Diary of a Toxic Love Relationship

It All Began With a Kiss...

2006-09-25T16:20:00.000-07:00

August 2005.

A photo of you "blowen" kisses to the photographer. You, shirtless, standing in a river. Of course, I thought you were making a monkey face.

Thus begins the mis-interpretation of messages that plagued our relationship from day one.

You, blowen kisses.

Me, thinking you're making a monkey face.

Either way, I clicked Yes and the die was cast.

Friday

2006-01-26T14:06:00.000-08:00

Sent: Thursday, January 26, 2006 1:11 PM
From: E.
To: L.
Subject: Friday

Hello L., S.G., the home owner we were going to take pictures with on Friday called to cancel the photo op. She said that she needed to finish painting. I told her that I would still come down and give her the paper work to look over.

If your still interested in lunch I still am. Even if you can't make it till 12. Tell me what you think.
I hope your day is going well and I will talk to you soon ... K

bye

Sent: Thursday, January 26, 2006 1:19 PM
From: L.
To: E.
Subject: RE: Friday

Hi, E.,

Thanks for the heads up. Yeah, lunch would be cool. I'll probably get to your place sometime between 11:30 and 12:00. Do you want me to call you when I leave here so you know I'm headed your way?

My day's pretty hectic, but I like to be busy. :-) Hope your day is going well too.

Ciao for now...

L.

Sent: Thursday, January 26, 2006 2:06 pm
From: E.
To: L
Subject: RE: Friday

naaa don't worry about calling, I'll be here. Look forward to seeing you tomorrow. bye

Side Note on "Hey" E-mail

2006-01-23T22:00:00.000-08:00

E. became known for his "hit-and-run" e-mails throughout our relationship. Note the time on the "Hey" post. 9:19 pm. Sent on a night when I didn't get home until 10:00 pm. Basically assuring me a sleepless, tearful night.

Was this purposeful?

Only God knows.

Hey

2006-01-23T21:19:00.000-08:00

Mon 1/23/2006 9:19 PM
To: L.
From: E.

I might as well get to the point! .... I feel that if we keep seeing each other ... I may be giving you the wrong message.
I like you L., I really do .. I'm just not sure if we should keep seeing each other. If I tell you it's me, you gotta believe me
Don't take off early Friday. If you wanna talk call me tomorrow! I am going to bed. I wanna talk ..... I'm sorry.

e

1/18/2006 Novella to L.S.

2006-01-19T13:44:00.000-08:00

I’m not sure where I left off in my E. saga. Saga… That’s funny. Sometimes it is that, and sometimes it’s just a thing that’s going on. Right now it feels a little like a saga ‘cause I’m waiting for a phone call….

Anyway, I think I left off with spending the night with him last Wednesday. Thursday was a non-event day, except for the novella I wrote to you from my class. Friday, we did a bunch of back and forths on e-mail (he’s still writing back to me when I send him stuff from my work address – that still blows my mind somewhat…) Mostly the back and forths were on this fantasy that I had devised while sitting in that horrible class. It was something that incorporated him dressed in his real estate garb and the sex we had in the car the night we went to the hockey game.

He wrote that he wanted me to send it and then he would talk dirty to me (okay, I’ve warned you that we’re pervs). I thought he was going to call me to do the dirty talking but he meant he was going to write it back to me, so when we figured out our mis-communication, he finished with a “Oh, I guess I can’t get that detailed here, huh?” And I said to send it to my home address because I wanted to hear what he had to say. I eventually sent it to him, and then waited for the response. I went out with the girls Friday night and hoped to return to a message, no message.

Just to remind you of our story so far, I was waiting for, but not really expecting him to call me on the whole Sunday open house/did he want me to stop by. Well, surprise, surprise… E. called me Saturday to check in during the afternoon and caught me while I was in the middle of the nightmare that is Bestbuy.com and their in-store order pickup. By the time he reached me, I was about 2 hours into the nightmare and so mad I could spit (or cry - -which is the more likely response). When I told him I felt like crying, he was all, "Oh hunny, just leave it there..." (It is referring to a boombox radio for my satellite radio that I was picking up for him to use at the open house to listen to his Chicago Bears football game JUST IN CASE he asked me over… Doh!) Anyway, the call felt more like old times -- the checking in part. And he told me he'd call back later. Which he did. And wanted me to come over "to hang out."

I had to turn him down because I had a date. He didn't know about the date -- just the turn down. (J. from New Years' was the date). So we made arrangements to meet up Sunday for his open house. He was holding an open house at one of the million dollar homes on the hill in Newcastle. I brought over a radio -- not the one that took me three hours to get – oh no! It seems that XM radio that I have does NOT have NFL football – SIRIUS satellite has it. So I brought him my good ol’ standard KJR 950-capable boom box for him to listen to the football game. I got there early so that we could take some photos of him in front of one of the REALLY expensive homes in the neighborhood -- to update his website.

I wore an outfit like what I had described in my fantasy (classy and dressed up a bit, just in case you were wondering, ha ha ha!). Unfortunately, he hadn't read the fantasy! He has some sort of weird virus that keeps coming back and it got in the way of him clicking on the attachment. He's not all that savvy with the computer -- at least that's what he likes me to believe. But then, I have had to rescue him from a few things. :-)

I stayed around for a couple hours at the open house, and he had a pretty good turnout. I had to pretend I was an interested buyer when people came through. He really gets into the whole role-playing. So my back-story was that I was moving here from San Francisco, only in town for the week to check out house, from the area originally, extended family visits often, and I might have to consider moving my dad in with me (this was to explain my looking at such a LARGE house). He would talk loudly to me while we played out our "story" for the other look-ee-lous -- so that he could give them time to browse the house on their own while he displayed his excellent customer skills with me! What a hoot.

We had a very enlightening conversation between visitors. Apparently I am the only person he talks to, or has talked to about his "herbal habits..." He never spoke to the woman he dated before me about it. I learned some things about him that I didn't know. Some of the demons he struggles with -- and they somewhat explain why he respects and seeks out the approval of older women so much (the people he respects the most at his office are the women there).

We made plans for me to go over to his place later that night, after the open house and after he took care of some things at his dad's place. My visit over there was rather interesting. Between the conversation at the open house and the conversation we had later at his place, I was pretty direct with my questions and statements. I even brought up the whole "what are we doing here" subject, and he didn't have any better of an answer than I have. There was alot of stuff discussed and it showed me he has given a lot of thought to different "issues" that were brought up when he decided we needed a break.

One of the issues that he has definitely put some thought into is the whole younger women thing. We touched on it very briefly at the open house when I made some comment about one of the quarterbacks of the game only being 23 years old. He says, ‘Well that’s right in your age range.”

And I replied, “No, E., that’s more your age range. Or maybe even a bit older. Hmmm? How is that going for you anyway?”

He just said, “It’s not. I never did anything about it.” And then he was saved by some people coming to look at the house.

Back at his place later that night, we were having some serious performance issues on his end. Now, first off, I have to give the guy super high fives because he finished me off with a big O that was HUUUUUUUUGE. I’m talking earth shattering. But when it came time for his turn, it just couldn’t stay hard. This led to our further talks. He asked me how Hot or Not was treating me. I told him it’s treating me pretty well, how about for you? He said, it’s okay. That he pretty much just talks to this woman from Jordan – oh, but there’s a new one from Ohio.

I make the comment that, “well, they’re getting closer.” Then I asked why he never took his profile down while we were dating, and he didn’t really know why. I asked if it was to keep his options open, and he said, no, it was nothing like that. I asked him if he wanted Hot or Not to be treating me well, and he asked me why I would ask something like that. I just looked at him and said, “E., what are we doing here?” He looked back at me and said he didn’t know. We just looked into each other’s eyes for a really long time. (This conversation is taking place while we’re lying on the bed after the performance complications). I thought I’d just plunge on forward and said, “What is the appeal of younger women for you? What do they represent for you?”

He surprised me with his answer. “Well, younger women have less experience.” And that just makes me want to say to him, and YOU would be interested in that?!?! But then he continued with, “Older women know what they want and are able to tell you what they want. They aren’t afraid to say what they want. With younger women, they look to you to be their sole source of entertainment – you’re their whole life. I just don’t have time to sit around and be that. Older women have a life.”

I stopped him here and asked if he thought I was someone who looked to him for my sole source of entertainment. He says, “I didn’t say that.” And I said, I realized that, but I’m asking if I was like that for him. He said, “No, YOU have a life. Otherwise this would have never come this far.”

So why that surprised me is that he’s really giving this whole thing a lot of thought. The “Why do I always use the younger woman thing as my escape clause” type of thinking. Of course he had to provide me with the answer I was expecting all along. But they do have those bodies that they like to show off. :-p

One other part of our conversation I wanted to touch on was when I told him, after we both determined we had no idea what were doing there, I said, “Well, whatever happens going forward, things will be different. They’ll have to be. For one thing, I need to tell you what I want, because whenever I did, you did it.”

“Well, yeah, how else am I supposed to know what you want?”

I told him that there was a lot about me that he didn’t know, that I was afraid to share. He said he figured I had secrets and that I would tell them to him if I wanted. That he DID want to know about me, but there must be some reason that I wasn’t comfortable telling him and that I would in my own time. Although he did wonder why I was bringing it up at that moment (he looked at me like I was about to tell him I used to be a man, or maybe I was pregnant or something! Hahahaha)

I so want to tell him about me, L.S., but I’m terrified. This is like a huge weight on me that stresses me out to no end.

I stayed over night and tried to head off that whole cold shoulder/awkwardness that sets in when he's preparing for work. He was doing his thing all grim-faced and I would smile each time I passed him or he passed me -- with no smile back. Finally I said, "You could smile, it's all right to smile." That seemed to relax him and he did smile and our morning felt a little easier. I decided to throw all caution to the wind and ask if we could watch the Seahawks game together. His friend C. (who he hasn't seen in a while, he explained) already asked him, so... That led me to ask if he was going to make time for me sometime on the weekend or during the week. He started in on his whole to-do list: working on Saturday, and maybe an open house on Sunday or the Seahawks, blah blah blah. And he's getting his motorcycle from Chicago that he'll want to ride -- he needs his practice, you understand...

I said, I realize that and that I was asking for his “after dark” time. I’d already factored in the other stuff. See, I'm gooooooood. And relentless. What have I got to lose, right? So I start in on Saturday, "well I might be taking my dad to the movie for his birthday…" Okay, Friday? "Well I have plans for Friday…. Thursday will work, yeah, Thursday. And then I'll have to get back to you on the weekend."

He's got to check which day is better for his dad, Friday or Saturday -- so he didn't want to commit to one or the other, it's his dad's birthday after all.

So, Thursday it is! I even made sure he wrote it down on his little white board of things to do on what days for the week. I told you, relentless.

We had a sweet parting. But somehow, all the stuff we talked about (but without resolution -- it was really just ideas thrown out why things might be the way they are, blah blah blah) caught up with me. That and the 2-4 hours of sleep I got that night (I don't sleep well over at his place most of the time) just opened the flood gates and I was pretty emotional all day Monday. I don't know if it was my intuition kicking me in the butt, or the overwhelming emotional release of staying so "together" the night before. I was a mess. But I didn't call or anything.

Well, I did e-mail him the fantasy, ha ha ha, because he asked for it. And I edited the photos I took of him Sunday, printed them out but did not e-mail them. Those are my ransom, I suppose. So far he has forgotten they even exist! No response on the fantasy and I tried not to let it bother me. I worked out and that seemed to take the edge off the hurt and fear that was crushing me -- at least temporarily. But by the time I got to work Tuesday, I was a walking anxiety ball. Picture Taz from Looney Toons, you know, when he's all whirly. That was me. I just KNEW he was going to call or write or tell me that he'd thought about it, and Thursday just wasn't a good idea. In fact, we should just put an end to all of this.

Either that, or I'd show up Thursday, and I'd get that "I have something serious to say" after I arrived. Know what I’m saying? Do you think I’m ever going to get over this? Geez…

Tuesdays I have my counseling appointment, and as I was pulling in to the parking lot of my counselor’s office I heard my phone beep. I had it on a quiet setting so that it won't ring while I’m at work, but it beeps once and vibrates to let me know I have a call or message. The display showed I had missed a call and that I had a new message. I checked the call log and saw that the call was from E. I quickly listened to the message and it was basically, "Hi, it's E. It's 4:00. Give me a call when you get the time." His tone was cold and abrupt. Instantly, I was shaking cold and then hot at the same time and I literally could see, hear and feel my heart beating out of my chest.

I was already a little bit late to my appointment (we usually start late anyway) and I had a quick debate with myself whether or not to call him back. I figured, I had better call, find out what it was about for a couple of reasons. One, I wouldn't be able to listen to a single word my counselor said because my mind would be tripping on the call, working out all the possible permutations (ALL of them bad, of course). Reason two, I could hear what E. wanted and be all prepared with a parachute (talking with Leanne) if it was BAD.

So I called and he just wanted to let me know that Thursday wasn't going to work because he had to meet with a real estate client. But he did want to see me sometime that weekend. So would I call him back later that night when I had time to talk and we could set something up? The real estate client in question is the soon-to-be-ex-wife of one of his best friends and this is a meeting that might lead to him listing their house – something he’s been trying to set up since before the holidays. I already knew how important this meeting was too him and appreciated the importance of it, so I wasn’t devastated about not having Thursday with E. Also, he still wanted to get together – I was totally expecting him to just leave it as, “Well, sorry, it just didn’t work out for this week. I’ll call ya.”

The adrenaline rush of the blah phone message and then the adrenaline crash that followed the actual conversation, as short as it was, was so overwhelming. I was so glad that I had my appointment to go to (which, by the way, late as I was, I still had to WAIT for her to show up!) This is so whacky.

My appointment went extra long and made me have to reschedule my training appointment with P. (scheduled for 6:30), but I was still able to go to my massage appointment (7:00). Can you say overbooked? I was planning on working out after my massage appointment, but the masseuse say, nugatory! I was disappointed not to get to workout. My workouts have been a little sporadic this past week, and I think that has contributed to the emotional ups and downs as well as not getting near enough sleep. I’m in a manic phase, L.S. It’s kinda freaking me out.

By the time I was finished with my massage appointment, I was seeing the world through new eyes. I was pretty centered and "untouchable" if that makes sense. I had my strength back for when I talked to E. when I got home. Even though I still didn’t have the “which day of the weekend” figured out (we determined he would know which day to get together after he talked with his dad Wednesday, since his motorcycle coming from Chicago would be delivered that day and since it is being stored at his dad’s place, he would be able to talk to his dad and determine which day they’re going to the movie.)

E. let me know that he will be hosting an open house at the same fancy-schmancy place on Sunday. I asked him if he would need my radio again. He told me his dad had a radio he could borrow, but he was quick to assure me that that didn't mean he didn't want to use MY radio, he just didn't want me putting myself out again to go there... LOL He’s getting a little more sensitive on how what he says and does might have a negative effect on me. Hmmm, that’s a nice improvement, huh?

So, I go into Wednesday with all of that hanging up in the air, and I still wasn't ruffled. I was actually feeling pretty good. Amazing. I'm okay. I'm really enjoying this okay feeling. It may be short-lived, but I'm all over it! Being pretty busy at work has helped too. The only, un-okay feeling I’ve been feeling is incredibly irritable and short-tempered here at work. It’s like my fuse is really short and if someone oversteps even just a little, ZAPPO!

Wednesday night I was SORT of expecting to get a call from him. I was tied up on the phone with, at one time, three people at the same time – one I was already on a call with, two others calling at the same time. The call I was on was with D., this guy I met a few weeks ago just once, but we talk daily practically – although he stopped talking to me when I started spending more time with E. – despite us only being friends (and that’s what we would only ever be.) D. was having some stalker drama (where he was the stalker – long story…) I was trying to talk him down off the ledge.

Caller number two is this adorable cutie named C., C. for short. He is a pilot, 6’3”, blue eyes. 29. Totally hilarious and a smarty pants. Sigh… We’re meeting up on Saturday at noon at a Starbucks near where I live. We’ve been corresponding for a few weeks now. Caller number three is Z., who I will be leaving here soon to meet at my watering hole, the Yarrow Bay Beach Café. Z. lives near S. He’s 27 or 28 and also a funny man. I sent him a text message to tell him what I’m wearing. He sent me back a message that says he’s wearing a purple plaid leisure suit. Gotta love a funny guy.

All this talking made me late for my 7:45 appointment with P. I worked out, helped P. with some stuff on the Internet, rode the bike for 45 minutes and then headed out to the car expecting to find a “missed call” from E. I even had my whole, respond the next morning in an e-mail like he does scenario going. Of course, whenever I plot something underhanded or mean, I never get to act on it! No message on my phone or e-mail. I was a little annoyed, but only because I needed to know which night so that I could juggle my “boys.” Lol

I still didn’t have a message from him this morning so I decided to call him at noon. Had to leave a message, of course, and you KNOW how much I adore doing that. NOT! Well, he called me back at about 3:00 and was pretty chatty. All about his day, the game-plan for the meeting with D.’s soon-to-be-ex… The man just doesn’t know how to control himself when he begins to put his foot in his mouth about maybe having to flirt with her, how the girls at the bank all have crushes on him, and it’s not like he exactly flirts with them because he’s not sexually attracted to them or anything… GRIEF!

Bottom line, he is coming over to my place on Saturday night. He suggested coming to my place and staying the night. “But, remember, I’m going to have to leave early the next morning…” (open house). “Oh and all these people are going to come by the open house. My dad, some friends. Even K. might stop by…” K. is the ex. I’m reading this as his way of telling me that I’m not welcome at the open house this time around. Maybe I’m just taking it personally when it doesn’t have anything to do with me. I do seem to have a problem that way. I’m going to believe it was meant to discourage me from stopping by. But you can be sure I will be clarifying that Saturday.

Again, he was really chatty and stayed on the phone with me for 15 minutes. I even had to ask him to wait a minute while I talked with someone here (one of the CITY COUNCIL MEMBERS!!!! Stopped by to introduce herself to me since I’m the administrative support for her committee). How embarrassing is that to be caught on your CELL phone chatting at work by a Council Member! Oy! Anyway, the shocker of that was that he didn’t just tell me he had to go when I asked him to wait a sec. That is totally E. modus operendi. Not this time. He told me he would call me tomorrow and firm up a time on Saturday.

Why do I feel skeptical about that call? ;-) I hate feeling all snarky and doubtful about this. It’s my natural inclination. My desire is to take it with a grain of salt and if he calls, he calls. If he doesn’t, I know he’ll call Saturday. He just may have to get my voice mail if I’m all tied up with Mr. C. :-p

I tell ya, L.S. I think about what you said in your last e-mail. How you’re committed to making the best of your relationship with G. That that is where your heart is – not in meeting new people. I was totally there before the break. I don’t know if I can get there again. Sometimes I enjoy and look forward to meeting these new people. Other times… Well it just hurts my heart. Tonight and Saturday, I’m looking forward to it. Still… I feel like I’m putting bad energy out there in the universe – that if I truly wanted things to work with E., I wouldn’t be venturing out this way. I wonder if the universe will punish me big time.

I think the truth is that I will punish myself with feeling bad about myself.

That is the long and the short of it. Well, there really isn’t all that much that’s short about what I wrote! Ha ha ha I do my best to view this with open eyes. To see what is before me, not what I WANT to be in front of me. I see changes, both good and bad, in E. The bad would be the feeling of “distance” between us when we’re together – actual physical distance that doesn’t get closed unless we’re having sex – and even then, it seems separate somehow (this is where the performance issues seem to present themselves.) I hope that we will work toward some truce within and between ourselves. We are both so protective of ourselves. I see him keeping distant to protect me, but also to make sure he’s doing the best he can to believe that he is not leading me on in any way. I don’t know if this is the case, but that is what I feel. My feelings are sometimes dead on (there’s that whole intuition thing going for me) but sometimes they are purposefully skewed to make me feel the worst I possibly can.

Okay, it’s time for me to meet Z. I haven’t really had time to re-read this and edit for clarity or whatever. So you’re getting the unabridged dump. :-)

How was your Thursday night?

Love, LK

Re: THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

2006-01-18T17:03:00.000-08:00

hey these are funny. I got the other one right away. New England sucks any way... later skater

----- Original Message -----
From: L.
To: E-mail Friends
Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2006 4:23 PM
Subject: THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

Okay, except for the first excerpt below (I'm a little sensi-poo on THAT subject), these are pretty funny! Enjoy!

********************************************************************************

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

********************************************************************************

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

********************************************************************************

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

********************************************************************************

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you,
I've changed my mind.

********************************************************************************

I must admit,

you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

********************************************************************************

As the days go by,

I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

********************************************************************************

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

********************************************************************************

Happy birthday!

You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

********************************************************************************

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

********************************************************************************

We have been friends for a very long time...
let's say we stop?

********************************************************************************

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

********************************************************************************

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

********************************************************************************

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

********************************************************************************

P.S.

2006-01-16T13:56:00.000-08:00

Mon Jan 16, 2006 01:56 PM
To: E.
From: L.

Hi again,

When you tell me what you think, will you respond to my home e-mail please?

I had to send the file from my work e-mail (long, geeky story). :-)

Bye!

L.

L.'s Fantasy

2006-01-16T13:26:00.000-08:00

Mon Jan 16, 2006 01:26 PM
From: L.
To: E.

Hey, E.,

Attached you will find the reason behind the outfit I wore to your Open House on Sunday... :-) It seemed like you really enjoyed yourself at this open house, and I hope the contacts you made will turn into big business! I enjoyed our conversation between role plays ha ha ha -- San Fransico... Awesome! I am glad that you trust me with your thoughts. I value our friendship alot.

Okay, here's my little daydream while I was in computer class last week. Tell me what you think, k?

Hope your day was great!

L.

L.'s Fantasy for E.

2006-01-13T16:54:00.001-08:00

I’m waiting for him to arrive. I shift slightly, feeling the rasp of the stocking garters rub against the bare skin of my upper thighs. I adjust my skirt and swing the toe of my high heeled black boots.

There he is; all pressed white shirt, striped tie and perfectly tailored slacks. His smile is warm and infectious – the brief kiss sets off a heat between my legs and the first moistness of my lower lips wets the cushion of the seat beneath me. I am not wearing panties.

“Would you like to take a drive?” I ask huskily.

He nods his assent and we head to his car. I know he is admiring the shiny black boots hugging my calves as he walks behind me. I slide into the front seat and the door closes tightly behind me. As he takes his position behind the wheel, I look him solidly in the eye and say, “You’re going to want to slide that console back as far as it can go.”

We leave the parking lot and enter the roadway. The sky is just dimming into night. “Where do you want to go?” He asks.

“Just drive,” I respond, sliding a little closer to him.

My hand absently grabs his tie and tugs gently as it slides down the length of it, until my fingers gently graze his sheathed cock – was that a little jump I detected? My gaze focuses down to where my hand remains on his hardening cock, and my fingers begin their search for the zipper separating them from their destination.

As I lean over, bringing my face closer to the downed zippers, my lips part and I say, “This could get a little dirty.” My skirt climbs up my thighs a bit, exposing the black of the garters and the white of my thighs. His breathing becomes shallower and a murmur of appreciation escapes his lips. One hand strays from the wheel to touch those white thighs where the black stockings end. I part my thighs to allow his fingers to find the wetness between them.

My hands work to gently extract his hard cock from the briefs under his slacks and the purplish head becomes visible, jutting out of the soft fabric. I want to taste that cock, and I close the distance between it and my waiting mouth, slipping that straining head between my lips. I taste the salt of that first drip of cum and he moans as his hard cock slides down my throat to bump into the back of my throat for the first time.

I close my lips around his shaft, working my tongue to tickle the head on each stroke of my up and down motion. I can’t help but moan as his fingers press inside me, gathering the wetness there and tickling my clit, before plunging home again. My hips start swaying in response to my growing excitement and I take his cock as deep in my throat as I can. His hand moves to the back of my head, tangling in my hair and pressing my mouth into his crotch – his cock bumping the back of my throat, over and over until I gag slightly, that reflex squeezing the head of his cock for just a moment.

I can feel his balls tighten as he growls, “That feels so good….”

My mouth leaves his cock for just long enough to say, “Find a place to park. I want you to bend me over and fuck me hard.”

As the car glides to a stop, I lift my head, kiss his mouth, plunging my tongue inside to meet his and then draw away, sucking his tongue as I go. My hand has not stopped stroking his cock. My fingers slide easily over the wetness of my saliva on that iron-hard cock.

Somehow he slides the seat back as far as it will go and pushes me over the back of the seat, my head pressed into the back seats of the car. I feel cool air on the skin of my ass as he lifts my skirt exposing the bare skin. I feel the throbbing head of his cock at the entrance to my dripping hole. I gasp as I feel his cock drive deep. I realize the urgency was too strong to slide his pants down, as I feel the chill of his zipper press into my ass cheeks.

He teases me with slow strokes, so that I feel every ripple and fold of that hard cock against the walls of my pussy. One of his hands grips my hip, the other tangles into my hair and pulls my head back. Soon his cock is plunging into me, lifting me with each deep stroke. His mouth is close to my ear, and between gritted teeth he growls, “I’m gonna cum… Uh, I’m gonna cum…”

A bellow escapes his lips as I feel his cock spurting inside me. We stay coupled, both panting hard, until he pulls out slowly and settles into his place behind the wheel. I fall back against the passenger seat, feeling the first drips of cum leak out between my legs. “Mmmmm,” is all I can manage. Then, “Thanks for driving.”

"Heya" Message Thread

2006-01-13T16:54:00.000-08:00

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2006 10:03 AM
From: L.
To: E.
Subject: Heya

Hi, Eric,

Hope your day is going well. Happy Birthday to your dad!

I have that Satellite radio boom box available to you for Sunday to listen to the Bears game at your open house. I can meet you early, before the open house and hand it off to you or set it up for you if you like. That way I'll be out of the way when you start working with the Finance guy. Just let me know.

On a separate note... While I was in my class yesterday, I got to thinking about you in your real estate duds and that got me thinking about that night in the car at the hockey game... And out of all this thinking, a fantasy arose. Are you interested in hearing it? ;-)

Bye...

L.

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2006 12:48 PM
From: E.
To: L.
Subject: Re: Heya

yup!

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2006 12:49 PM
From: L.
To: E.
Subject: RE: Heya

Ha ha ha --

are you referring to the fantasy or the radio? ;-)

L.

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2006 1:50 PM
From: E.
To: L.
Subject: Re: Heya

the fantasy

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2006 1:51 PM
From: L.
To: E.
Subject: RE: Heya

All right. But I have to attach it as a Word document. It's a little to hot for the sensors...

I want to hear what you think...

L.

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2006 2:50 PM
From: E.
To: L.
Subject: Re: Heya

K .. I wanna talk dirty and tell you what I've been doing with myself!

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2006 2:50 PM
From: L.
To: E.
Subject: RE: Heya

Do I need to go to my car?

L.

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2006 4:46 PM
From: E.
To: L.
Subject: Re: Heya

huh? go to your car? I guess we can't get to descriptive here huh? hope your day was great .... bye

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2006 4:54 PM
From: L.
To: E.
Subject: RE: Heya

Ha ha ha... I thought you were going to call me, is why I said that.

Write to my home e-mail. Talk dirty to me...

L.

E. Novella - Letter to a Friend

2006-01-12T15:47:00.000-08:00

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 3:47 pm

Hi, L.S.,

I wanted to write this in its own e-mail. It’s a long one – you know me and the play-by-play, blow-by-blow I’m famous for. This, seriously, is the only thing that kept me awake in class today.

I realize that you may not even be in a good enough place to read this. First, ahead of anything, take care of you. I just got your e-mail back on the G. situation, and haven’t had a chance to read it. I’m going to now. Here’s my story…

Yes, I did stay over at E.'s last night. I had included him in that joint e-mail of Cal's photo and the cat/dog diary. He wrote right back (which is unprecedented -- as was writing to me at work). So I wrote back. And he wrote back again! Which led to a phone call on my part and an invitation to come over on his part. It was totally spur of the moment – I had no idea this would happen. All day I struggled mightily with myself on the whole issue of staying all night – would I or wouldn’t I? Would he even ask me to? He did (well, he asked me if I was going to stay the night or not), and I did, and I think my subconscious played tricks on me all night with my dreams.

There were some good things that arose out of last night. He stayed dressed in his real estate garb for me, so that he was all pretty in his nice pants, flashy tie and white shirt. And, yes, he did it just for me. He talked a lot about his goals and where he's going with his real estate, and his excitement was so contagious.

The best part of that excitement is that it was all natural – not related to smoking. In fact, he is going to stop smoking. He doesn't have any more herb in his place and he doesn't plan on buying anymore. He realizes that he gets a lot more done when he doesn't do it.

What amazes and excites me is that he keeps me involved in this decision, that it's important for me to know what he's doing -- almost like he's seeking my approval. I'm just glad that he's going to stop. That it's becoming important enough for him -- that he and his future are important enough for him -- to take this big step. That's the friend in me, as well as the girlfriend in me, the person who only wants the best for him, even if that doesn't involve me.

We made dinner together, which I always enjoy, and I'm feeling like he is way more comfortable/settled about than I am. Now he just takes for granted that I'm going to help (i.e. take a VERY active part in) prepare dinner. I get my assignment, and he has his. He's much less self-conscious and awkward with me there than before we implemented "the break." To me his behavior feels like it's just natural that I'm there and that we've been together for a long, long time. I don't know if I'm communicating this very well to you.

To illustrate…

We made spaghetti for dinner. While we were making dinner, he asked me to get the parmesan cheese out of the fridge, then said something like, "I don't know if you're down for that type of thing." (Meaning he didn’t know if I liked putting parmesan cheese on my pasketti). I laughed and reminded him that I was Italian. He laughed and said, "Yes, I know." Then he said something like, "I've been keeping a watch in my rear-view mirrors for black cars lately. I keep thinking I'm seeing them following me."

It took a sec for me to realize he was teasing me about having mafia ties, and that I might have called them in to put a hurting on him.

I laughed and asked him if he felt like he deserved to be hurt. He just laughed. Then I said that I had ties to the Russian mob too, so he ought to be doubly cautious. Wink Wink. I told him about the call that D. (my Russian bodybuilder) made on Christmas Eve and the nice things he said. E. thought that was really nice of D., and then said, "So I'm sure you told him everything that happened with us and he offered to beat me up."

I didn't deny it. Because D. actually had... jokingly.

I thought that it was so interesting that E. would bring any of this up -- that he deserved to be "taken out" or "beat up." We hadn't spoken of the "break" at any time. This was the closest we had come. Weird, huh? It really caught me off guard – but at the same time was strangely relieving.

Now that he has this new couch, he has these little TV tables that he uses. It struck me as funny, and I made the comment, as I was setting up my table, “Look at us. We’re like the old married folks at home.” He laughed. We ate. We took our plates into the kitchen and he asked if I was okay with just watching some TV and chilling. We tried to watch TV after that. I say it like that because it felt so awkward and uncomfortable to me. I honestly don’t know if he felt weird or not. He was all reclined (his couch has these secret recliners on each end) and I was kinda curled up in the middle of the sofa. He reminded me that my end of the couch reclined too.

We watched That 70’s Show and then the show after that is called “Stacked,” the Pamela Anderson sit-com. We started watching this and I laughed a little, but the show is totally stupid and formulaic. E. asked me, “Is this working for you?” Where all the places my head was at, I couldn’t exactly figure out what the “this” is that he was referring to, so I asked if he meant the TV show. He did, and I was honest and said it wasn’t. He took it upon himself to find Law & Order Criminal Intent and CSI – and asked me which one I wanted to watch. Mind you, he doesn’t watch either, but he knows I like those shows.

I don’t know why this is so important to me to point out to you. Maybe to try to point out the little things he does for me that show me he cares and pays attention. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s part of the reason that I like him. It’s the weird little surprises.

He watched the rest of the CSI show with me and then had a few things that he needed to do before we went to bed. He was careful to tell me what it was and how long it would take so I wouldn’t feel ignored or awkward or whatever.

But you see, for me, I still feel awkward, I still feel uncomfortable and scared and waiting for the other shoe to drop -- and it takes every effort I have to come across as nonchalant. Trust issues, man. The only time I feel in control and confident is when we're having sex.

Warning Warning --- explicit content to follow --- Warning Warning

Speaking of... THAT was REALLY weird last night. He had a total oral fixation last night and it turned out to be the only way he could climax. The only time he could keep an erection was the first time we had sex, and that sex was mutually oral (if ya know what I mean). The two other times we tried to have sex, he could get hard, but not stay hard. The first time, we started with the mutual oral again (he LOVES this -- dreams about it -- writes to me about it) and then moved on to me on top. It was going okay until I could feel him soften up. He joked, "It seems we have a rhythm problem here."

Now, between you and me, I'm not overly fond of the woman on top position with him because I don't really feel very much and because of the awkwardness of movement between us (hence, the rhythm problem). He likes this position, like most men, so I indulge him because he indulges me on what I like.

Well, we haven't had the go-soft issue before. We laughed a little about the rhythm comment and I told him if he didn't like the way I was moving, then he should grab me or tell me what to do (this is kinda hot, if it's done right). I don't remember him saying anything to that. I asked him if he felt distracted, and he admitted that he was. He wasn't happy about going soft and was very apologetic. We tried to get going again, but it wasn't really happening, so I suggested we just go to sleep. Again, he kept saying he was sorry. I'm sure you already know how kind and understanding and comforting I was to him about that – I hate it when people feel bad.

But, inside I was having nigglies. The nigglies came in the form of, "I don't excite him anymore. He doesn't like me enough to want to have face-to-face, intercourse type sex anymore. He's disconnecting. He's distancing." Basically, I was making it all about me.

Yet, all night long, he stayed closed to me. Pressed up to me in one way or another. Whenever I moved, he would ask if I was okay (later I found out he was doing this in his sleep because he didn't remember doing it.) In the morning, he always asks how I slept, and I was honest and told him sporadically, because I had weird dreams all night. Then I always ask him how he slept, and he said great. But he woke up with his back hurting really bad. He cuddled into me and asked if I'd be disappointed if we didn't have sex. At first I was my usual, "No, it's okay," and then I added, "Well, honestly, yeah I would be, but I understand and it's okay."

Again he was all apologetic. This only brought up some issues for me -- and these are my own issues, not any he's placed on me. My issue goes something like, he thinks I'm only there to get laid and he thinks that I expect him to perform on demand. And if he doesn't, then I'll think less of him and he thinks less of himself. The primary issue being that I'm just there to get laid. Round and round.

I offered to rub his back for him and he accepted and I actually made him feel better. He cuddled up into me again and when his hand accidentally brushed against me “down there,” he said, "I better not do that, don't want to get you excited for nothing." Much more cuddling ensued, along with pillow talk and a lot of "I don't want to get ups..." Then he decided he needed to check what time it was.

5:10.

That made me realize he had set the alarm to factor in “play time.” What’s the big deal with that, you may ask. Well, here again, is another example of him listening to me and doing what I ask/suggest. The night before, when he was setting his alarm, I had asked him if he had included play time in the wakeup time. At the time he said that he hadn't, and then didn't say anything more, like adding a, "but I will now." He just did it.
I couldn’t help but comment, "Wow, we still have a little time left before we have to get up. You gave us some play time."

He said, "A little birdie told me to." Which only reinforced to me that he really does listen, remember and will do what I ask for IF I ask for it.

Then while he was laying on his back (after checking the time), he suddenly says, "Look what's getting hard."

The man totally blows my mind. Maybe what fascinates me most is that just when I think I know what to expect, he does something different.

So, we started up with having sex. Despite his hurting back (which he told me I DID make feel better) and his stuffed up head (he doesn't like to have sex when his head is stuffed up because it gives him a headache) he tries, and tries and tries. He stayed hard (at least more so than the night before) but I could tell he was totally somewhere else. He kept trying to pull himself back to me – to the moment. He'd hug onto me tight or give me some direction or something that would turn him on, but then in no time, off he'd go.

He was so incredibly frustrated by it. He kept saying, "I don't know why I do this. I don't know what's going on."

I gave him all the reassurances of reminding him how much he'd been in to-do mode for the last few days. For those days it had been all about getting ten million things done. It's difficult to shut that off. (I also thought to myself… not to mention that he isn't using the marijuana to shut that off.) I don't know if he was buying it despite his murmurings of maybe.

Despite my reassurances to him, my nigglies were back with a vengeance. Which inspired me to do the thing I just hate about myself. The whole say something to test-the-waters, snarky type of thing. I said, "Maybe it's because you just don't like me anymore."

I honestly can't remember if he said anything after that – maybe he said something like, “you think so?” But I really don’t know, I was so mad at myself and fearful of the response. We were already rousing ourselves to get moving, so the only thing I remember him saying for sure is "I need to get in the shower."

I could just kick myself because I just can't help but fill him full of new ideas to consider why he wouldn't want to be with me. Why do I do that? Why do I want to self-sabotage? Is it a need for control of the situation? Since I don’t know when the end is coming, maybe I should just bring it on. You know what I’m talking about?

While he was in the shower I made the bed and fixed him a cup of coffee so it was waiting for him on the counter. He expressed his appreciation of these things. By this time I was already dressed, had checked the traffic cams and was sipping on my own cup. This morning was no where NEAR the level of awkward or cold that Saturday morning was. It was actually pretty friendly and relaxed and the only thing lacking was setting a time when we would see each other next.

I know pretty much everything he’s got going on for the next few days. Friday’s his dad’s birthday. Saturday he’s working. Sunday he has an open house at this million dollar home in Newcastle. He's really excited about that and that this mortgage guy will be coming by to work the open house with him and strategize how to move his business forward. I may be stopping by, but then again, I may not. He's supposed to call me. My nigglies have me doubting he’ll want me there, that I’ll be a distraction or worse yet, an embarrassment (my feeling-scared issue, not his). Either way, I’m not getting my hopes up.

All in all, this get-together was a lot less upsetting and/or emotional than Friday's hockey game. While we were pillow-talking, he said we needed to take some pictures sometime. So I know he's still got “future thought” going on. Yet he gets a little cagey when it comes to actually firming up those plans. It almost makes me laugh, actually -- it's like I’m watching this from far away or something.

I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to say with this whole e-mail. I think part of what I’m saying is that I’m confused (in a good way) and intrigued and a little pissy and a little scared and yet I’m okay. I think that if it ended today, I would be more okay with it than I was earlier this week.

While I would like to know what’s going on here, like is the break over or what? I’m okay.

I think I told you about this in so much detail is that, as usual, I’m interested in your thoughts, your impressions. I realize that you are probably not in any place to want to even comment on this. That’s what made me hesitate, and then type this in its own e-mail. Please get back to me when you can.

Thank you for being there for me. You are such a special person. God bless!

L.K.

"Re: For the Animal Lovers in my Life" Message Thread

2006-01-11T13:31:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 11:10 AM
From: L.
To: Email group including E.
Subject: For the Animal Lovers in my Life

I have a particular cat in mind when I read the cat portion of the diary. For those of you who haven't met him, this is Cal (aka Son of Satan)... Enjoy the attached file. :-)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 12:58 PM
From: E.
To: L.
Subject: Re: For the Animal Lovers in my Life

your cat is looking right at me .... now I'm having dirty thoughts : )

hope your day is going well

bye

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 1:05 PM
From: L.
To: E.
Subject: RE: For the Animal Lovers in my Life

Ha ha ha

Feel like sharing those thoughts? Come on now... don't be shy... ;-)

Thanks for the message last night -- I've been kind of tied up with a family issue. My 9 month old niece had to be rushed to the hospital after my sister-in-law had to administer CPR to get her breathing started up again. :-(

She's doing better today, so that makes my day better.

Hey, if I get Seahawks tickets to the game Saturday, would you want to go?

Okay, back to work. Have a good day!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 1:31 PM
From: E.
To: L.
Subject: Re: For the Animal Lovers in my Life

God, I hope that your niece gets better soon.

About the tickets .. I wanna go sooo bad, but I have taken 2 days off of work this week and Tony has work this weekend. You know I wanna go ... you know that. I am doing an open house Sunday, so ... God I hate to say it but I need to pass on the game. I don't even think I'm going to get to watch it. : ( boo who.
The game I really wanna watch is on Sunday anyway. I think the Hawks are good to go. The Bears on the other hand, maybe not. That is going to be a good game.
You really wanna hear about what I'm thinking about ... me and your cat.

bye

Subject: Hi

2006-01-10T15:48:00.000-08:00

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 3:48 PM
To: L.
From: E.

i don't want you to think I am ignoring you. I have been busy with my license thing.

I hope to hear from you

bye

Subject: You forgot to tell me...

2006-01-08T11:12:00.000-08:00

Sun, 8 Jan 2006 11:12:11
To: E.
From: L.

Which coffee stand had your advertisement on tv... I'd like to check it out sometime.

Thanks again for the fun evening. I really enjoyed myself. Hope you did as well.

Later skater ;-)

L.

P.S. You left a bruise the size of texas on my right thigh! :-p

"A Hallmark e-card from L." Message Thread

2006-01-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

Wed, 4 Jan 2006 05:05:30
To: L.
From: E.
Re: A Hallmark e-card from L.

that was sweet! Thanks for that cute lil card. Fridaynight is almost here, hehe

I will call you in the eve tommorow, k?
bye have a great day! : )

Thu, 5 Jan 2006 09:32:12
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Re: L. has sent you a Hallmark e-card

Nice talkin' widya last night, E. :-)

Have a great day and I'll see you tomorrow night.

L.

Subject: Hey

2006-01-01T21:23:00.000-08:00

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 19:35:32
To: L.
From: E.

So I wanted to say hi and that I was thinking about you.

Still wanna go to the Hockey game? You and me or have things changed. Its ok if so ...

Hope you have a safe evening and I'll talk to you soon ... K

e.

Sun, 1 Jan 2006 21:23:39
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Re: Hey

Hey there... Happy New Year! Hope your evening was a good one. :-)

What about that Shaun Alexander? Set two records today... I can't wait for the playoffs.

I've been thinking about you too. And, yes, I'd like to go to the hockey game with you, that'd be cool.

Hope all is good with you and that you enjoyed your family's visit.

Bye for now... :-)

Lisa

P.S. Happy Birthday!

"Happy Festivus for the Rest of Us" Message Thread

2005-12-28T08:19:00.000-08:00

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 23:48:03
To: E.
From L.
Subject: Happy Festivus for the Rest of Us

Nice to hear from you, E. :-)

How did it go with your sis, grandma and little niece today? I'll bet it was cool to see them after so long. Hope you had a good day.

Christmas was interesting. I went to the Seahawks game with B., which was cool, then spent the night at my dad's. We saw King Kong that night -- good flick. And then he spoiled me with a lot of good cooking. I wasn't feeling good at all Sunday, so I didn't do much justice to the big ol' steak he fixed, but I took it home and got to enjoy the rest of it tonight.

My dad got me a cool denim jacket with a whole bunch of bling on it. I'm sure you can guess that I'm liking that.

I think I'm going to have to get my XM radio professionally installed. It's way beyond me. :-(

I probably shouldn't say this, but when has that ever stopped me? ;-) I hope I get to help you christen that new bed when you get it. m-e-o-w

Hope you're doing well. It's gotta be great for you to have your family in town.

Look forward to talking with you.

L.

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 21:40:06
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Happy Festivus for the Rest of Us

Happy Festivus for the rest of us ... your a dork, hehe

The picture in question is some where in my computer ........ WHERE is the question.

So yeah ... I'm thinking about taking my dad to the Hockey game for his b-day.

I hope your evening goes well.

I'll talk to you soon ... K

bye

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 08:19:22
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Re: Happy Festivus for the Rest of Us

Isn't that dorkiness part of my charm?

ha haYou mean to tell me that that picture isn't your computer screensaver and wallpaper? boohoo

;-)

So I was wondering... Did you want me to comment on the hockey tickets thang? I remember we kind of left it as me going with you... And, yeah, I wanted to go -- I've never been before. Still, they are your tickets, and they're for your enjoyment. :-)

Have you finished that last lesson yet? :-) Were you able to arrange dirtbikes for your niece?

Have a good day!

L.

Subject: Merry Christmas

2005-12-26T09:17:00.000-08:00

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 09:17:12
To: L.
From E.

I have been thinking about you ... us. I'm just not sure I am ready to call is all.
I hope your day yesterday was good. I had breakfast with my parents yesterday. Opened gift and ... the next thing I knew I was not feeling well. I went home and stayed indoors. Missed the dinner they had over at Mike and Tina's ( family ).
I did get some of my on-line class done. I think I have one more lesson to go.
My family is getting in today. I am going to go see them around lunch time.
I am looking in the paper to find a new bed, hehe.
I hope your days are going well.....

I'll talk to you soon .. K

Subject: nuttin' much, EW

2005-12-24T17:42:00.000-08:00

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 17:42:09
To: E.
From: L

I hope you got my phone message. I know I rambled. I hope you were able to stick through with it.

The words I said about considering breaking up over not getting a call back have been rolling and rolling through my mind as well. I would NOT have broken up with you over that, and I hope that you, who wrote yourself that you couldn't believe I would do something like that... Think about what you know about me and how I've been with you... And know that I would not do that.

Please remember how deeply shocked (I mean, I couldn't say anything to you for the longest time) and upset I was at the thought that you might want to break up. How I tried to deflect some of my hurt and fear with bad humor. Obviously, the attempt at irony of my statement was NOT funny and has done what I am afraid is irreparable damage to us.

If I could take those words back, I would. I cannot, and that will be something I truly regret. I would NOT break up with someone over an unreturned phone call.

Please think about how tender I held you that night and especially in the morning. The soft kisses goodbye. That is how I feel about you.

Will you call me? Please? please...

L.
###-###-####

Subject: sup LK

2005-12-24T16:24:00.000-08:00

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 16:24:10
To: L
From: E

Hey ... Watch that game? I fell in and out of sleep and I'm still tired but saw most of it.

I've been thinking about the comment you made about wanting to break up with me cause I did not call you back. Why would you break up with me cause I did not call? I mean I think about that, alot. Why would you want to end our relationship over something like that?

The more I think about that the more I think I made the right decision ... I would never though you would have done that, but I guess you thought the same.

bye

"Re: Let's share photos" Message Thread

2005-12-22T23:55:00.000-08:00

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 22:13:25
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Let's share photos

You want me to set up an account? I will !

Made cream cheese brownies ....

let my gifts to them at home : (

nite nite

----- Original Message -----
From: LK
To: EJW
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2005 1:57 PM
Subject: Let's share photos

L. wants to share photos with you. Get L's latest photos in your email. If you can't click on the link above please copy/paste the link below: www.ringo.com This invitation was sent to ejw@net behalf of L. If you do not wish to receive invitations from this Ringo member, click here. To stop receiving invitations from all Ringo members, click here.

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 23:55:43
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Re: Let's share photos

Ruh roh, left the gifts at home, huh? And they're going out of town for Christmas, aren't they?

Well, they'll just get the gifts when they get back It'll be your little way of extending the holiday season for them. It always seems like it's over so fast anyway!

How did the brownies turn out?

If you join you'll see some pics of me that you may not have seen before. Nothing naughty though, it's a site that frowns on that sort of thing. Speaking of naughty pics... Do you still have the French Maid pic you took of me? Can I have a copy? I deleted it from my memory card.

Time for bed. Toodles

Subject: Re: hi

2005-12-20T04:49:00.000-08:00

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 04:49:14
To: L.
From: E.

I think I went to bed before 8 lastnight. Then my alarm did not go off either.
I'm feeling better. My nose keeps running and the sneezing part w/watery eyes.... I'll get over it
How did your evening go? Hope it was good.

Can't wait till tomorrow .. I'm rubbing my cock already, nothing like morning wood, hehe

bye

"holy shit" Message Thread

2005-12-19T00:07:00.000-08:00

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 22:00:14
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: holy shit

Those are fucken hot!!!

I am getting ready to hit the bed. Got some gifts wraped, hehe.. GO BEARS !!bye ...

I got some throat spry and I think it feels better, we'll see...

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 00:07:51
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Re: holy shit

Hee hee, glad you liked the pics. (I have others too...)

Your Bears looked so good against the Falcons. What did you think about Grossman? Looks like they've got a passing game to go with that defense. Holy crap!

You're ahead of me on the Christmas gift front -- particularly the wrapping part. I better get busy!
Speaking of getting busy... Hee Hee

I'm just about to take some matters in my own hands, if ya know what I mean.

Have a great day tomorrow and think about me.

Nighty 'night!

L.

Subject: Just to keep you thinking about me...

2005-12-18T18:41:00.000-08:00

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 16:41:40
To: E.
From: L.

Hey, Good Lookin'...

As promised, a little extra eye candy to keep your dreamin' steamy. ;-)

Glad you liked my dress-up clothes last night. It turned me on seeing you so turned on. hee hee

Tell me what you think of these pictures. Do they make you horny, baby? (Apply appropriate Austin Powers accent...)

You make me horny with all those muscles you're building. purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Kisses!

L.

"hey super fine" Message Thread

2005-12-08T06:28:00.000-08:00

Thu, 8 Dec 2005 05:02:30
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: hey super fine

I want U 2 cum over 2nite. Hope you have a safe day and look forward to this even ing.

It took me 6 hours to complete the 3 hour on-line course : ( now its 27 more hours to go. I may feel the need to work on that while your here, is that ok? I amhopen to work on that every day even if it's only for 30 mins.

Later skater

Thu, 8 Dec 2005 06:28:02
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Re: hey super fine

Hi, Hot Stuff,

Cool, I'll be over. I may be there earlier than usual -- not sure if I'm getting off an hour earlier than usual because of having to be there early this afternoon (please note the time ). Let me know if you need me to come at the usual time, I can always go shopping or something. ha ha

No worries on taking some time out for the course. You go right ahead. I'll bring my book. More than likely I'll nap.

Hope you have/had a great day! Can't wait 'til tonight.

xox

Subject: I want to play with you

2005-12-06T23:33:00.000-08:00

Tue, 6 Dec 2005 23:33:10
To: E.
From: L.

How did the rest of your day go? I kept thinking about you playing with yourself. I wanted to play too! ;-)

Wish me luck tonight. Laurie and I are going to the Yarrow Bay Beach Cafe where on Wednesdays they give away Sonics tickets. You never know, I might get lucky. hee hee

Look forward to seeing you soon. Until then, I'll just have to picture how I'm going to wake you up the next time we're together.

mmmmm

kisses

Subject: Your such a good fit

2005-12-05T08:06:00.000-08:00

Mon, 5 Dec 2005 20:06:09
To: L.
From: E.

I was playing with myself thinking about tounge fucking you. I got light headed, it just happened, honest! hehe

Wanna hookup on Wensday? I am going to that motorcycle class Saturday 8-5. That doctor apt. is tommorow at 3:50.

Seahawks are kicking some booty huh?

MAUH

Subject: Baby, It's Cold Outside... :-)

2005-12-01T23:15:00.000-08:00

Thu, 1 Dec 2005 23:15:27
To: E.
From: L.

Hey, Hotstuff,

Thought I'd send you a good morning e-mail as I head off to bed. Hopefully you're snoozing away with some good dreams right about now. ;-)

What did you think of the snow today? Hope you didn't get too cold. How was the first night of your class?

My commute was really fast to S.'s. I actually made it there by 7:30 and had to go to QFC and Starbucks to keep myself occupied until 8:15. Made it home safe and sound tonight. We had a couple of inches here where I live. It's beautiful on the trees. Not so sure I like it on the roads though...

Wishin' I was waking up with you. I like it when you spoon up on me in the morning. Mmmmm.

Have a great day today. Try to stay warm and I hope you have fun with D. (spelling?) tonight.

If the snow hangs around I'm going to be skipping my Capitol Hill party. P. will be kicking my butt all over the gym instead. :-)

sending smooches

Bye!
L.

"The next insallment :)" Message Thread

2005-12-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

Sent: Wed 11/30/2005 12:14 PM
From: LS
Subject: The next installment :)

You are so funny. It's only Wed and already I'm behind on this saga. I can't believe it.I don't know how much I'll get off to you but I'm gonna work at it for now.

Okay let's see, first of all -- have you talked to P.?How is he? Hope everything's okay with him and him not showing up.

I have called in both days this week and that's kinda got me down cuz I really need to go. EsPESHally after last night oh my gawd!! It was brought to my attention ten fold that I need to do mega cardio and work my leg muscles to be able to comfortably dance!! I was so winded, it was almost embarrassing. Thank God the music was loud LOL .. and then my quads and thighs were just not helping me at all. I felt very sluggish. BUT! It was kick butt fun. I had the best time.

I think though that R. is probably not interested in me any more than as a dance partner. We did dance a lot and we do get along well, I think, but he drops little bombs about how girls he meets at McCabe's always think that dancing means he's interested and that it's not usually the case ... so I am gonna read into that one and go with it. It's good to know that from the get-go so I don't make a fool out of myself or anything. He's still good company and a good dancer, I'll take it for what it's worth! I think I'll pass him on the skills level pretty quickly and then if we are still getting along we can challenge each other to be better dancers. I think it will be a good thing.

My new boy S. wanted us to take a train down to Portland on Sunday so we could spend the day together playing cribbage and listening to music and talking :) I thought it sounded fabulous but the times are just not gonna work out. How creative is that though, not like any other "first date" I've ever been on. Having him want to spend that kind of quality time with me - not driving, just sitting nearby talking to me for hours & hours - was a real boost for my ego. Now mind you, we haven't met yet :) He may change his mind. I can admit I'm a pretty thing but I am heavier than some people are comfortable with, and that's his prerogative. He's 40 and has started doing little tri-athalons so he's taking good care of himself and has physical fitness goals he wants to meet. I don't have much of that in my lazy life :) but never know, maybe he will inspire me to do some of that. Or not. Who knows, we may not have any chemistry.

We are going to meet Friday night for coffee someplace in Queen Anne (his dad lives there and he has to go over to drop something off there) and maybe play cribbage then. Heck he'll be right by my house .. I can invite him to come over if I want to spend MORE time with him LOL

The coffee guy, B., has been curiously quiet this week. We were supposed to be getting together for sushi, and I thought he was going to call me - but I haven't heard from him. I sent him an IM asking if everything was alright with him and he sent one back saying, I'm good! How are you? .... whatever dude .. This week is already hectic so I guess that ain't gonna happen. I was a little surprised because he seemed relatively intent on keeping in touch and getting together this week. Sushi was his idea, too. Oh well :) I'm so new at boy-juggling, I think maybe I would have screwed it up anyway.

G. has his quarter final today and the whole idiotic gang from school is going out to Morton's to celebrate, go figure .. he told me yesterday he's thinking he might not go home for Christmas, since he has to have some dental work done maybe he'll just do that during the break and stay up here. That would be interesting - I hadn't even considered that he might be around. Of course my little mind went straight to a Hallmark moment of us having Christmas together and I thought, CHAH that'll never happen LOL He then smashed that little idea to shreds when he told me he might drive out to Montana to spend the holiday with friends out there he hasn't seen in a long time. So, you see, it's all just yappy yap and only God knows what will happen by then LOL ... the other night it seemed awfully intimate, LKK .. afterwards when he had his arms all wrapped around me tight and was kind of playing with my head with his chin, it was really really strange to me. I have been burned by the whole "reading in" thing with him anyway but you know that just felt to me like, how could this not be meaningful to you?!?!?!!? You know what I mean?? When I woke up suddenly and was all "I gotta go!!" he asked me if I was sure I had to leave. Maybe he was just sleepy talking but it seemed pretty real to me.

I have to run!! LOL

Abrupt break - your turn!

Sent: Wed 11/30/2005 12:21 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: The next installment :)

Happy Hump Day. And I'm so excited to report that the nickname for the day will actually come to fruition for this silly girl. :-) zippity doo dah yay

Okay, as per usual, I've written a whopper. So it is attached. Hope you have some time on your hands! :-)

What's on the agenda for you tonight?

What follows is the Word Attachment I sent to LS:

Thank you for the update. You know, the first thing that comes to mind when I read your last paragraph is.... I gotta have a talk with that guy. Jeez McGeez. Talk about mixed signals. Hmmmm.

Now I TOTALLY do not want to get your hopes up, so please don't think I'm going anywhere beyond presenting another possible interpretation of some of G.'s musings. Here's the thing I've found in my communications with men. They will ask me what I've got going on for no other reason than to make conversation. I ALWAYS think they're subtly asking me if I'm going to be available at a certain time (i.e. the weekend). But, 9 times out of 10, it's just to make conversation. Because then they'll go on to describe what they've got going on. Ooooh that bugs me.

The other thing I wanted to touch on was the whole not going to California for Christmas, and maybe I'll go to Montana blah blah blah that he's yapping about. I don't know G. well enough, but if he's anything like alot of people, they like to hear their ideas out loud. They aren't necessarily going to do them, they're just "trying out" the idea. That doesn't mean that if they hear a different idea posed by someone else that they wouldn't be open to it. ;-) Sometimes they just need options.

I think that's a great attitude that you've got about the R. situation. I think it would be great to have dance nights to look forward to with him. And I like to hear your competition gene kicking into gear. ;-) When you approach the dance nights as nothing more than fun times, you take all the pressure off both of you -- him to resist (if that is what he is doing -- just going by what you told me your gut told you) and you to wonder, what if... Doesn't mean you can't dress to impress. The thing is, when you are having fun, it shows. And you never know who's watching. ;-)

And the train idea is so creative and romantic. What a cool sounding idea. I think what you are actually going to do is a better idea for the first meet-up. What if, when you met him, you didn't really even like his energy (or he was like that obnoxious guy who took you to the M's game this summer). Then you would be stuck with him for something like 6 hours. This way, you'll have less pressure and still a fun activity (that you're playing cribbage, very cool). Then, if you two hit it off, who's to say you can't still do a train trip like that? :-) See, I'm always thinking... hee hee

And then there's B. Sushi B. You know, I am sooooo hearing you on the whole, "why didn't he set the sushi thing up when he was so gung ho about it... yada yada yada...." It's that loose end that's eating at ya. The not understanding human behavior. Aaaaaannnnnnndddd then there's the ego. Dadblasted ego. It doesn't matter that you're not totally into him, but, dammit, he better be totally into you!!!! :-) Am I at least a little bit right on that? :-) I'm totally with ya, sista, so I'm not judgin'. I'm simply the preached-at choir.

Boy juggling is an art that I certainly haven't mastered either. I so totally fail the Cosmo chick expectations. I'm terrible at the game playing, the promiscuity, the blow-offs, the whole fun, fabulous, terribly busy. Sigh. I think I'm okay being who I am. And I think you're okay being who you are. It's okay not to be good jugglers. What do we lose out on? Maybe we don't have as many dates. I think the gains (not having to come up with excuses when one guy wants to take you out and you already have plans with another guy...) are good enough. It's about what's going on inside of you, what you can live with and love yourself with -- not so much what Cosmo says is cool. Frankly, I'd rather be dorky ol' socially challenged me than a Cosmo lemming. Don't get me wrong, some of the bedroom tips are worth checking out... :-) But being true to you is so much more "OK" than selling your soul to be cool. Just my opinion.

On my end of things... I'm headed to E.'s tonight. I didn't get my phone call that was not exactly promised to me, but he said he would call and he didn't. That set me off on one of my anxiety/frustration/payback rollercoaster rides. I hate that type of behavior (the not calling doo-doo -- especially when I get the whole, "I'll call you tomorrow, will that work for you?" I mean, I got the confirmation question. Geez!!!!!

I sent him an e-mail which let him know I was hanging by a thread to hear how the whole condo conversation went on Monday night that interrupted OUR call -- that I need the info... the 4-1-1. Then I also alluded to certain things I want to do with him... but ended with the whole, "but it looks like I'll have to take matters into my own hands...." I got an e-mail back this morning that didn't tell me about the condo but did say, "I really think you're great..." (here is, when I first read it, that I expected to read a big ol' BUT in the next line, but instead I got an AND...) as in "and I can't wait until we meet again."

Hmmm. That is probably the most warm, from-the-heart, non-sexually-related comment that I've ever received from him. Of course, I had a hard time not hearing the "but" in the sentence. I even had to read the paragraph a couple of times to determine there really wasn't a "but" in the message. I took issue with the "can't wait until we meet again" as in, Meet? MEET? How picky am I? Language is so huge to me. And if I were to step back from my position of always looking for the other shoe to drop and actually TRANSLATE Eric-speak, I would recognize the sweetness of the message he was sending. It wasn't about sexual acts or what sort of mischief we need to be getting into. It was, "I really think you're great AND I can't wait until we meet again."

I really hope that I can re-wire my brain someday in the future. I want to see the sweetness the first time. I want to expect the sweetness because that's what I deserve. I want to not hear the BUT. I want to expect the AND.

The good news is that LD (the counselor) doesn't think that I'm full-on Borderline Personality Disorder afflicted. She says that somewhere along the way, I found it in myself to be able to keep connected with the world and ground myself more than those who are fully afflicted. I have issues, and those are the issues we've been working on and will continue to work on. There's hope because I am able to recognize that I need help. Those who are truly lost, don't know life can be any different.

She was very happy for me that I got my questions answered and that I seem to be coming from a clearer place to not take everything so personally. We talked about my California trip and that I'm worried that my middle brother D., the score-keeper, is an alcoholic. We talked about addictions, and my lack of understanding them when it comes to substances. I've always had such an aversion to being totally out of control that I've just always been able to say no. I fear looking stupid (like if I were to be pulled over and be under the influence) or losing respect of my friends and co-workers. It's that damn Italian pride thing. Hard-wired into my blood. I want to understand though. I want to know how difficult it is for you or E. or even my brother D. (if my feeling is correct).

It's weird how I would totally judge myself for being out of control or needing a fix or whatever, but I have compassion for the people I love and care for. I don't look at them as being weak or having something wrong with them. I hope you believe me about that. For me, what I strive for, is to be able to understand. Sort of like walking a mile in your shoes. And, the truth is, I'm really worried about E. I worry that I've been a total enabler when it comes to the herbal use. LD actually spent an extra 30 minutes with me talking about this. She explained that I can't fix him. I had twisted logic of thinking that if I am there when he does it (and stupidly do it with him) then I can control the situation and keep him from hurting himself or someone else. I realize more and more that I don't like him when he's in that condition. He gets distant and shut into his own world.

Yes, I like the feeling -- but then I can get that with one indulgence (like it only takes one drink for me to be satisfied). But I don't NEED the feeling or release, and I'm only messing with the chemistry that is already so out of whack in me. And I'm enabling the behavior. Some of the things he's said, and particularly when he's said them so out of the blue, tell me that he's concerned on some level as well. My first step in approaching this is to not do it anymore at all. I'm going to give what I have to B. or flush it. Babysteps. When I'm ready, I will have to tell him how I feel about his use. Not judging at all. I have fear that he drives. That he's taking risks he wouldn't. And that I like him when he's clear. Does that sound like judging? I don't want him to think that I think he's weak or a loser or that there's something wrong with him as a person. That's why I say babysteps. I just don't know how best to approach it.

Man. The drama. Do you think I just have to manufacture it so that I can be comfortable with the devil I know (turmoil and disappointment) rather than face the unknown with the devil I don't?

I worry about that. It doesn't help that I have too much thinking time on my hands. Argh.

No, I haven't talked to P. (I always think cheese-steak when I hear him call himself that!). I need to e-mail him and make sure he's okay. Not to mention I have a muscle shirt (from Venice Beach) and a thank you Starbucks coffee card burning a hole in my pocket. Well, not literally, but you know what I mean. ;-)

Okay, I think I'm done. Phew. Hope you had some time on your hands for this one! :-)

Sent: Wed 11/30/2005 4:09 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: The next installment :)

You are amazing. You write the biggest, juiciest, detailed emails of anyone I have ever known That was awesome. Thank you for sending it!

I do not think you are one to create drama and chaos just because there is a lull in general activity. I think maybe (and please know this is only an opinion) you are one of those people who are so used to it in their day to day life that when it's not there, it gets almost too quiet, or too low-key, and you start to worry because the life you're used to isn't that way. I know I was a chaos junkie for a long time after I quit drinking. My world was always in chaos and drama .. and I thrived on it. I knew how to operate in that life. My sober life is MUCH more controlled, low-key .. took me awhile to get used to it. And the longer I'm sober the less tolerance I have for the chaos and drama that sometimes rears its ugly head. Not that I don't still feel pulled to it, because I can easily be .. but I also recognize it faster, and try to step away.

I'm glad you're going over to E.'s tonight. And, you're right that was a sweet thing he emailed you. God I totally heard the BUT at the end of it too the way you were leading me into it :D and I totally understand that you are always in defense mode about boyfriend stuff, and worried that something bad is gonna happen any second. I do wish you could re-wire your brain (then maybe you could do mine after that) so that you could feel more secure and happy about the state of the union. But time takes time, it's own not-always-sweet time. You'll either grow to trust him or you won't. You guys don't really see each other as frequently as you might like, too, so it takes even MORE time than it might if you saw him more. Just know that I hear your pain with that, and anytime you want to bounce something off me or vent or whatever, I'm here for you. I get it, totally and completely. In the meanwhile, have a good ole time tonight!

About the whole G. thing .. I don't know what to say about it anymore. It's taken on it's own life, I think we are both somehow sadly comfortable in this "we don't talk" place. It keeps me from having to feel too close to him, I think -- and it keeps him from getting any closer to me. I don't have guilt dating other people because he stays a few steps away from my heart. It sounds horribly sad when I re-read that, but somehow I guess I am still holding out for a change. I say that with trepidation because I KNOW KNOW KNOW men don't change .. but I just have the worst time believing that he doesn't care about me as more than just a "friends with benefits" kind of friend. Granted there are lots of things that have changed, and it does of course seem much less clear as to what the deal IS, but there's still feeling there. I know it. And if he never says a word to me about it, and even if he told me I was insane and that he never felt that way about me .. I will know it. What he chooses to DO with those feelings I guess is up to him.
I bought him an antique pocket watch from the Czech Republic for Christmas :) I haven't gotten it yet, but I am going to try to go have the name on it polished off and then have it re-engraved somehow for him. The watch is supposedly from the 1880's, with a black face .. it's gorgeous. Of course my opinion of those things is purely esoteric but, I think it's gorgeous LOL I think I got a hugely great deal on it, I just hope it works like the guy said it does because I can't send it back. It cost $103 from this guy on eBay. He had good feedback, but still ... until it's in my hands, I'm kinda stressin' about it.

Okay that's all I can give you right now. Not 3 pages like your email but, it is the last day of the month and I still have work to do before I can get out of here.

Please have a GRAND time tonight & I will look forward to some nookie details tomorrow!

XOXO

Sent: Thu 12/1/2005 12:55 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: The next installment :)

And a snowy hola to my chica. :-)

How are you this afternoon? Are you loving this snow? I would be normally, but I'm a little panicked. My car is parked in the Renton Highlands at my co-worker S.'s house. I carpooled with S. and H. this morning since I stayed over night with E.. S.'s got a 4WD Toyota 4-Runner, so we won't have any trouble getting around, but she lives on a high hill, not to mention that long stretch of I405 that I would have to negotiate and the big ol' hill that I live on. I'm a little anxious (understatement).

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to take the certain pills that I have to take. One of them being BCP. If I miss even one then I may end up with an unscheduled visitor -- either in the form of Aunt Flo or a squawling little human being. If you're getting my drift. My other pills are pretty important to take as well, and if I miss them I'll get really nauseous and headachey. :-( Still, those conditions are much preferable to those other potentialities.

Geez, if I'm not manufacturing drama, life is serving it up to me on a platter! :-) LOL

Last night was really good. I was having emotional issues on the drive down there. I think alot of it had to do with my day. I was in fire fighting mode, which turns the dial on my inner problem solver to high. When I'm on high, I think too much. So I was getting all wigged out on having to talk to him about the issue I wrote about yesterday. I was actually fighting stress tears, which was making me even more anxious and emotional. To add to that, I was having gutteral reactions to the CDs I was listening too. Sometimes music just really SPEAKS to me. Good grief! I changed my CD to this one I burned full of some of my latest high energy favorites and cranked the volume up so I could shut out the voices in my head. It worked and I was there in no time.

The funny thing about this relationship... As soon as his door opens, all the stress (well, MOST of it) just melts away. He smiles or his eyes sparkle to see me and I'm calm and giggly and happy to be there. He was really smoochy and affectionate right when I got there. Sometimes we do this little awkward dance when I first get there. We had a little of that, but for the most part it was just good. He looked good in a cornflower blue thermal shirt that really matched his eyes. I remarked that he was wearing his color and pointed out that I was wearing mine as well (I had a hard-to-describe-green sweater on, deeper than chartreuse, not quite neon, just a beautiful green) and he told me he noticed it in my eyes right when I walked in. awwww

All in all, without going into excruciating detail, time spent together just gets better and better. More open, more sharing. He asked about Christmas, if we were going to be exchanging gifts. I told him I would like to, but didn't want to if he wasn't totally into it. Bottom line, we're doing the gift exchange. Now the whole pressure of how much, and what is too much is on. lol

There was alot of conjugating of verbs (don't you just love these euphemisms I'm coming up with?!?!) Still no ultimate culmination for me, but it was close... I didn't sleep a wink last night for some reason. I was just totally keyed up, like I get when I have to fly the next morning or have to get up when I'm not used to it. The few times I did a little drifting I had whacky weird nightmares and even woke myself up as I was about to shout something at my friend B. (who was in the dream). I made a sound, but the words didn't come out, thankfully! He was snoring off and on all night, but he doesn't have a loud or irritating snore -- it's weird that I find it almost comforting. Hmmmm What does that say about me?

Morning was kind of rushed because we got a little preoccupied right after the alarm went off. I ended up being ready before him and was able to leave right with him. Unfortunately, he was running late and was uncommunicative or responsive to my pleasantries (yes, even the fact that I'm not a morning person, or that I hadn't slept, interfered with my sickeningly sunny disposition when I'm a contented kitty). What helped me was that he said to me, "I get really irritated when I'm running late."

Me being me, I immediately felt I was to blame and I said I was sorry. He just said, "You don't need to be, it's not your fault."

And you know what, I was able to let go of the guilt. Well, most of it. lol

That was pretty cool for me, and that he was the one that asked for the good bye kiss -- with a "all right, gimme a kiss." lol He told me to drive safe, which, however small a gesture, still makes me feel cared about. It's those small victories like letting go of the blame that feel extra special good. :-)

I'm pretty sure we're getting together on Saturday night. He has his motorcycle class (teaching him how to ride and about safety -- he's getting prepared for when his stepdad sends this Kawasaki street bike out to him from Chicago -- oh joy!) tonight and then Saturday and Sunday from 8 - 5. I asked if Saturday night was going to work and he gave me his patented, "yeah, that should work." Which generally means he won't be cancelling on me. :-) I'm learning the language. It's painful, but I'm trying.

Okay, I hope that wasn't too much boring detail. :-( Sometimes I get all carried away with the play by play. Here's the synopsis:

I had a great visit with E.
I carpooled with S. and H.to work this morning
I am worried about the snow and not getting home tonight to take my pills (not to mention starving fish and lonely kitties).

Now, I turn the floor over to you. What's new? :-)

Sent: Thu 12/1/2005 9:03 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: The next installment :)

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you earlier today. I had to go to this dinner meeting thing for an organization we're members of, it was over by my house but still I too was in high panic mode with the snow. I left work early to come take care of T-dog and change my clothes and dang I was worried about that stupid snow. I'm glad we didn't get much. As much as I wouldn't mind a snow day (because I DON'T drive in on snow days, no way no how) I just don't feel like taking one this week LOL .. I have next Friday and the following Monday off as vacation days, I didn't want to use another one on snow.

I'm glad you had fun with E. and again thanks for taking the time to write all that you did. I've got a doozie of a headache and I can't write right now all the comments I have about what you wrote so please forgive my lack of attention .. but I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. It's good that you two are making the time to get together. I am still somewhat envious but still very glad for you :)

Okay I'm going to go change into jammies and hit the hay.I'll try to touch base in better mode tomorrow. Don't expect too much, I don't have anything exciting to report! Maybe I'll think of something by tomorrow LOLOL

Gnite cherie

LS

Subject: you like to be on top

2005-11-30T05:09:00.000-08:00

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 05:09:09
To: L.
From: E.

I gotta stop touching myself. My hands are so dry and callis. It does not feel so good at times.

I really do think your great and can't wait till next time we meet. I have that motorcycle class this weekend and Thursday.

Hey, wanna meet up to night?

call me, I gotta go

kisses

Subject: I wanna knock boots...

2005-11-29T22:48:00.000-08:00

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 22:48:11
To: E.
From: L.

And I also want to hear how that phone call with S. went on Monday night. You left me hanging, dude! I need the 4-1-1. ;-)

Did you have a good day?

Mine was kinda slow and draggy, and, dang, it was tough getting to work extra early. I don't know how you do it.

I'm serious about the boots knockin'...

Hmmm, guess I'll just have to take matters into my own hands.

Think about me...

L.

"How's your Tuesday Bluesday going? :-)" Message Thread

2005-11-29T15:28:00.000-08:00

Sent: Tue 11/29/2005 2:21 PM
From: LKK
Subject: How's your Tuesday Bluesday going? :-)

Hey, Gurl,

How's Tuesday shaping up for you so far? Any phone calls last night after we talked?

P. never showed up to the gym, which is weird for him not to -- especially when no e-mail communication was attempted. The manager at the gym let me know that he has some big papers due right now, so he was probably working on them. But still... lol I worked out anyway. Did 70 minutes on the recumbent bike. Just long enough for me to finish my book called, "Broken Prey." Good book if you like crime thrillers. Which I do. :-)

I picked up some groceries after the workout and ate my dinner (southwestern roasted chicken from the QFC deli) while I watched the end of Monday night football. I waited until that was over before I called E. I'm such a "good" girlfriend. Surprisingly, he picked up the phone. I always think about you and your G. call screening when I dial. I'm not sure if E. does that or not. I'm guessing he does. Heck, sometimes I do it as well. But I must have rated last night to get the actual call pick up. LOL!!!

Actually, he said something pretty sweet for E. When he was telling me he wanted to get to bed by 9:30 and had a bunch of stuff he still needed to do before that. He said something like, "it's probably that right now." I told him it was 9:20, fully expecting to get the "gotta go" speech. Instead, I got, "I'll stay up later for you."

Doh! (that's a happy Doh! But it's a DOH! nonetheless...) :-)

He did have to end our conversation abruptly a bit after that, though, when S. (the condo lady) called. Some complications affecting whether the condo will be sold or not have come up and the call was important. S.'s mom was dragging her feet on accepting the buyer's reduced offer (there are some structural issues that will need to be fixed for the whole condo building itself). E. was planning on going to talk to S.'s mom today if she was not interested in accepting the lower offer (which, earlier in our conversation, was the case). So, S.'s call was hopefully good news. He's supposed to call me today, so I'm kinda anxious to hear how this whole thing works out. If the condo sells, that will mean good Christmas money for our man Terbie. lol

Work is kinda slow today. I had one of my brainless tasks taken away from me today. It takes up an hour or so of my morning, and I kinda look forward to that distraction before the big stuff starts. :-( I'm leaving at 4:30 today. I had to come in at 8:00 (one hour and FIFTEEN minutes early, just so's you know... hee hee), so I'm outta here at 4:30. I have an appointment with Leanne at 4:30, so it worked out pretty slick.

Well, that's my TOTALLY boring side of the conversation. What's new in your zoo? :-)

Sent: Tue 11/29/2005 3:26 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: How's your Tuesday Bluesday going? :-)

Yeow you sent me plenty to chat about but I'm leaving early today .. didn't take a lunch at all and am going home to take care of T-dog and get up to Everett for that blasted dance class tonight LOL It doesn't start until 7:45 but we're meeting at 7 and I don't want any trauma getting there. I will catch up with you tomorrow!

Just a note, G. DID call me from the cab home and after talking for a little bit he told me he'd be home if I needed him. I was like, What does that mean? And he told me to figure it out. He laughed. I told him, I'm done trying to figure things out, so tell me what it means - and he didn't so, I left it alone. He got online though when he got home and IM'ed me to "cum over" and help him warm up because his house was so cold from being gone so long. Dimwit me, I thought it would be good stuff if he missed me that bad, so I went :) It was good, and he tried to make me stay over but I didn't. We just never talk about anything anymore. It's very strange to feel so vicerally connected to someone you don't even know anymore. It's so wacked I don't even know what TO say if I wanted to say something. I just wonder, you know, how he can put so much effort into being intimate with me and not say a work about anything, ever. Not that he does it more than once a week so I guess it's just maintenance effing.

I picked up a new boy toy yesterday. He caught my PSSBL comment and wanted to know about it - and that lead to a significant amount of IM's yesterday and lengthy emails today. His name is S. and he's 40, lives in Mukilteo. I got a pic of him today and he's not bad looking. Anyway, add him to the list :)

Gotta run doll face, I'll be a better e-buddy tomorrow!Have a good evening & wish me luck with this dang lesson-taking business!

XOXO

Sent: Tue 11/29/2005 3:28 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: How's your Tuesday Bluesday going? :-)

Holy cow, I can hardly wait until tomorrow's installment.

Mucho luck with the dancing tonight. I'm sure you will be absolutely fabulous. You've got the glow about you. Work it, baby! :-)

Talk witchya tomorrow. Have a blast!!!!!

"Groany Monday" Message Thread

2005-11-21T15:11:00.000-08:00

Sent: Mon 11/21/2005 11:33 AM
From: LS
Subject: Groany Monday

Good morning Sunshine :D

I know you are not feeling too sunshiney but hey be glad, it's the only day of your week!! That has to count for something -- I have 3 more than you plus a LOVELY day at the parents house with 4 dogs and S. .. as much as I have to be grateful for, I just don't want to go over there for the whole day. It's going to be a tough day.

Anyway back to nice, light email LOL

Mr. Coffee's name is B. I don't even know his last name but he says he's 42 (I think he's lying, I think he's a bit older) and he lives in the Greenwood area of North Seattle, not so far away from me really. We met at a coffee shop kinda by his place (my idea cuz I knew where it was and I thought it would be a cute place) and had coffee then tea from 10AM to 1:30PM when I realized how late it was and that A. was going to KILL me !! B. is a psycho-dog lover like me and we must have gone on about dogs for half the time we were there :) It was nice, actually. He's got more personality than I got from the phone conversation or scant emails we've sent. He's also got 2 old kids, 21 & 19 (girl/boy) and he's very much a skiier and snow sports guy -- neither of which I'm particularly excited about. The kid thing, I dunno .. adult kids are almost like just friends anyway but still, they are his kids. I think he's pretty big on skiing and ski trips, and that won't be my thing at all although going to a ski lodge or condo could have some benefits I WOULD like ;-) .. Anyway, he was very normal with a nice easy smile and easy-going manner to him. I think he liked me but I didn't get the feeling he was entranced or anything, which honestly? I'm glad about. It would be interesting and oh-so-novel to meet a guy I got to be friends with first LOL ... man how does that work anyway?!?! LOL His son is in the Coast Guard and is up here for the week so we made tentative plans to talk on the phone and then get together for dinner next week after the kid leaves :) He's already shown the daughter my pictures and talked to her about me - I dunno how that went or if I passed but I guess I must have, he says they are pretty tight. I'm not dying for it, but I am looking forward to seeing him again.

G. called yesterday day too while I was gone and that was cool because I wasn't home and he got my voicemail (doin' the happy dance HA HA) .. he didn't call me all weekend, again, but not like I didn't figure that was coming after I got the vocal memo of all the crap he had planned for himself all weekend and, I thought, thru the holiday weekend as well. Last night he called me again at about 9 on my cell, and I was just driving home from doing eBay stuff at work with T-dog, so we talked some then. I had been home once to get T-dog and got the voicemail but I didn't say I knew that. He told me he had hoped we could get together yesterday for dinner or something (mind you, this comes AFTER he has already not gotten ahold of me! How easy it is to make plans for an event AFTER the fact LOL -- I didn't really believe him, Sunday nights he likes to go to the Met for early dinner and he hasn't taken me there since like week 2 or 3) but he said that he would have asked me if he'd been able to reach me. Now, mind you -- I didn't call him back but I did have my cell on all day and he could have called that but he didn't. So I figure it's all just games and I'm still going along with it. Whatever, you know? I was joking with E. (my friend at work) today, that as long as he pays for dinner I'll put out, no biggie. E. was laughing and was all "TMI, TMI" which made me laugh too. LOL Anyway, I am going to go visit him tonight after my meeting, so I should be there around 7:45 or 8:00 and we are going to have pizza for dinner. I assume the subject of fooling around will come up but I'm not sure I want to -- I just started my period today and I kinda think that will be too much for him to deal with since we are just friends now (heavy eye roll face). He leaves Wed afternoon for home thru Sunday evening and I didn't offer to pick him up at the airport when he told me. I got the feeling he was kinda giving me the opportunity to offer, because he was going into detail about it and how he would try to get a friend to drive him to the airport and then take a cab home from the airport .. but I just let him go on about it. Screw it, you know? I don't see any reason to do girlfriend things for someone who doesn't consider me his girlfriend. If he point-blank asked me, I probably would do it - but I know he won't ask.

Don't I sound hardened to it all? Man .. remember when I thought he was so perfectly awesomely wonderful? Too bad that had to go south. I really thought he was too good to be true (and again, there's your sign -- too good to be true usually is!!!)

Okay there's my update. I am going to train at lunch today and sort of looking forward to it but not that much :) .. it will get easier but right now all I can think about is how much it's gonna hurt tomorrow !!!

Sent: Mon 11/21/2005 1:26 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: Groany Monday

LOL My groan was purely for your benefit. I mean, what would the world be coming to if I wasn't behaving predictably for a Monday morning? :-) The sun is shining and it's a good day if for no other reason than that. That I only have one day to work this week.... Well, that is truly a bonus.

I wish you shared my good fortune on the number of days worked this week -- particularly after your nose-to-the-grindstone week last week. Hopefully you'll stay busy again this week to make the time fly by. Just remember, even though I'm not working at work, I will truly be working on vacation. Having four nieces and two nephews will keep me busy for sure. It will be nice to see them all, despite my grumping over it. :-)

Will S. be coming to the family Thanksgiving? And you have to stay the whole day? Hmmmm. If you do see that woman, will you be sure to protect any stray bunnies that might wander into your parent's yard for me? I don't trust her nazi-like extermination mentality. I mean, they're just doing what bunnies do -- and the frolicking... Well, what would a game at lower Woodland be like without those bunnies in the outfield? ;-)

Hmmmm. I'll be interested to see how this B. thing plays out. How I see it, you'll go into this much calmer if you have a milder interest in him than a throbbing passion. You'll have a pleasant distraction from the G. game-playing (which I don't necessarily whole-heartedly think is game-playing on his part. I think it's something more like total obliviousness to the way he's coming across). From what you tell me, he hasn't had a whole lot of experience in the whole relationship department. He's not a playah, man-ho. You and I have had so much experience with those sort of dudes that when we come across guys who are sincere (sincerely clueless) we don't know what to do with them.

Your cake analogy is something that fits G.'s actions, that's for sure. But, again, he's oblivious to how his actions can be interpreted that way. I think that he sincerely likes you, enjoys spending time with you, and TRULY does not want to hurt you. He just doesn't know how to mesh those together.

It's not so much hardened that you sound, but cautious with yourself. You've been hurt and it takes a while to rebuild trust. I think that if you come back to this relationship with your full heart, you'll "see" a bit more of the moments you're together. I hope that it dials down the hopes and fantasies of what it "should" be, only because I want the best for you and I don't want you to be hurt by how G. or anyone else might not measure up to that perfect guy that you want and have such a clear picture of in your head. I think that G. is seeing you and what you want with clearer eyes. But it truly is up to you to keep him in check -- call him on stuff. For instance.

G: "I had hoped we might get together for dinner Sunday night. I called an left you a message on your home phone..."

LS: "I enjoy having dinner with you. It's a shame you didn't call my cell number when you couldn't reach me at home. It's easier to get a hold of me on my cell."

You acknowledge the pleasure of his company. Gently chastise him on his behavior. And retrain him on what he should do next time. Was that a lame example?

More than anything, LS, have fun! I know how much you would like to have someone special for Christmas. Believe me, I do. I've spent the last four holidays with just my dad to buy for. Now that's a hard guy to shop for. :-) This isn't an easy time of year to meet new people either -- at least that's what I've found. It's easier for them to disappear with "commitments." I think the keeping busy, living YOUR life (which is a pretty active, cool life if you ask me) is your best defense against the G. blunder-behavior. :-) I mean, it's very Pink Book of you not to be available every time he calls. You can be nice about it and say, "Wow, I would have really enjoyed doing that with you. I hope you ask me again in the future with more advanced notice...." That provides you with something honest to say (that you would like to spend time with him) and encourages him to be more on your time schedule (i.e. not so spur of the moment next time, dude, I'm a busy, fabulous woman with a fabulous life that won't stop just because you called.) ;-)

Geez, how easy is for me to say this?!?! lol Yeah, right!

How was your training session? I think it's so great that you're doing this. I don't know how you can work out at lunch and come back to the office. I would be drained and super sweaty. lol Although, I have to admit, the times I've done it, I feell like I wasn't even at work that morning. The work day just gets blown away by those feel-good endorphins. :-) All I can say is, You go girl! :-)

To answer your question from yesterday's message... No, I didn't ask him anything about the use of herbs. He did bring it up himself while we were having our pillow talk (this is when I asked him my questions). He was talking about starting some cardio. He brought up the "black lung" sensation he's been having from working in that old space at Boeing the last three weeks. Then he mentioned that it probably didn't help that he was smoking a couple times a week. I just let him talk, inserting a gentle question here or there. I've discovered that for a lot of the important/touchy issues, it's good to let him bring them up and talk them through (he's a think-out-loud sort of guy). You know what I'm talking about... very slyly interjecting suggestions or asking the right questions phrased with the "do you thinks" " have you noticed" into the conversation so that, at the end, he thinks everything was his idea. :-) Hearken back to that scene in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" when the Greek mom was giving her daughter advice on how to handle her father. ;-)

Yesterday was a breeze for me to get through. Not even one hiccup on the relationship front at all. No weird separation anxiety or anything. I have just a teensy weensy bit today, but I'm still doing pretty well. The only extreme anxiety I felt yesterday was when I watch last Thursday's episode of ER that I had TiVo'd. You know, when it's time for me to fly, I make a huge effort to avoid anything that relates to plane crashes or whatever. Well, for god's sake, that episode was about a freaking plane crash, where this plane breaks apart on take-off.

GAGH!

You know, it's amazing what a little bit of knowledge can do for a soul. And it doesn't hurt that the knowledge happened to be what I hoped it would be. :-)

Now I just have to get through the wait for his e-mail to confirm whether he's picking me up from the airport on Saturday. You know me. I can't help but wait for that other shoe to drop.

And that reminds me. KUDOES, BRAVO, RIGHT ON! I am so proud of you for not acknowledging that bit of lily-livered hinting the G-man was throwing your way. If he can't muster the guts to ask you directly, it's certainly not your job to interpret his ramblings or read his mind. It's not for you to volunteer. I mean, where are all these "friends" of his when he needs something done. I would think he's thrown enough money in tips and treats their way that they should be on his payroll by now. ;-) That was a HUGE thing you did, you pleaser you. What you did was please LS, who is a person deserving of some pleasing behavior.

Okay, I need to get back to my report-writing. Let me know how the gym went if you get the chance. Bye for now!

You Rock!

Sent: Mon 11/21/2005 2:32 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Groany Monday

No, YOU rock :D

That was a fun email to read! Thanks for putting the effort in when I know you gotta be slammed today. It didn't go unappreciated!!!

The gym was fun but ever-so-incredibly-painful .. my brain remembers being able to lift heavy and for some crazy reason it WILL if I load on heavier than beginner weight. Then about the 5th rep my muscles remember that they don't have it anymore and they just check OUT and I'm left holding the weight! Oopsies! It was strange, really. Almost like the nerves from my muscles to my brain aren't there or something. Dunno. Maybe I have nerve damage!!! :) I'll have to quit. (j/k!!)

I get a 2 hr lunch you know .. I work "technically" 7-5 so I can take the extra long lunch for workout time and then shower time. I have in the past come back without one and I really hate that used up, sweaty feeling and smell. Ick. I like that I'm female and we just don't seem to get that super gross smelling sweat guys get, but still. Plus I'm going over to G.'s tonight and won't have time to shower later so it was imperative today that I do that. Just in case, you know. LOL

I don't know that it's my place to tell you this so please don't tell anyone else, but I know S. would tell you himself if you asked him (I think he would, anyway) ... he and S. broke up. He apparently started the talk but the feeling was supposedly mutual. She is leaving by Jan 1st .. so she's still living at the house until then. Talk about uncomfortable .. good Lord. I would be psychotic if it were me and the ex was still living there, good break or not. All I can say is, I'm personally extremely happy not to have to spend one more holiday with her around. I just don't see it and never did. And I'm grateful as HELL there's a chance that he can meet someone else that I might actually ENJOY being around. This breakup happened in the last 2 weeks I think. Dad asked one day and S. told him about it - and then last Thurs when S. called me to check in about Dad's chemo he left it on my voicemail in a whirlwind statement with no details. I was going to turn around and email it to you but I felt that it was a little childish to turn his disappointment into a game on my part. If it were reversed or if it was someone I'd liked, I certainly wouldn't have felt that way. I just needed to give the situation a little more respect and not take it on as my drama. I like to do that, anyway. I didn't know if you'd talk to S. or not but I figured I'd at least give him a chance to tell you himself. I don't feel like I'm gossiping this time because you basically brought it up. I hope you don't feel somehow slighted that I didn't tell you before - it really wasn't my story to share with anyone, and you know him separate from me so I thought you might talk to him. Anyway, enough about that. I guess he's doing okay with it. I am quite sure we'll talk about it more on Thursday.

Okay I gotta get to work too. I am going to run out of here early again (you know me) and I'm thinking 4:00 but it might not be until 4:30. If I have mail to send I'll leave at 4 but so far the film to send out isn't ready yet. I'll be here for a bit if you wanna email some more stuff :)

Sent: Mon 11/21/2005 3:11 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: Groany Monday

I will tell you whatever S. tells me on Thursday. I'm sure he will be totally politically correct about it. If there is one thing (and maybe just about one thing only) I totally respect to the core about my brother, he never speaks poorly about exes. Never. He may say less-than-flattering things but he's never done so without the explanations or the excuses to make it sound like there was a reason they were like that (I'm thinking of that one that was OUT THERE ...) anyway, I think it's very precious in him that he protects them that way. He won't let me say things and he won't let Dad either - he'll stick up for them, even after the break-up. To me, that's rare, and a charming sweet quality that totally reminds me of when we saw G. & his wife at that book signing. I wonder if the whole break-up will have to do with her drinking at all ... it really seemed like she was a heavy drinker and I always wondered if it bothered him. Especially at her birthday party -- good LORD she was louder than anyone in the damn restaurant.

Okay enough about HER! I'll let you know the shpeal when I know.

I will definitely try to email you stuff to your Yahoo account this week in case you get access to a computer. I will also have my cell and if you get panicky you can call me :) no sense feeling cut off from the world when you've got cell access!! :)

I do hope you have a good trip. Travel safe, think good thoughts on the plane and know that nothing bad is going to happen to you. You're in a good place in your head and your heart so you definitely have much to come back safe TO. Just keep that in mind. I hear you about stressing, but you just have to think good stuff. It's the only way. I like to get a juicy mag or book too (easy to do with Nora Roberts, in case you're stuck) and my walkman and just pretend I'm somewhere else, waiting for the man I'm involved with. Try that ;)

Have a great Thanksgiving too if I don't talk to you before that, enjoy that sunshine and them loud screaming kids you love so much. I say to hell with Auntie Flow (I have never heard that before and LOVED it!!) and wear the hot swim suit - it ain't gonna matter!! Besides it will make you feel sexy and that's worth a lot.

You mean a lot to me too, LKK. You're on my Gratitude List for sure and I love you very very much :)

LS

Subject: Did someone order some spicy Italian? ;-)

2005-11-20T21:58:00.000-08:00

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 21:58:43
To: E.
From: L.

Hi there super stud,

Hope you were able to relax today and that the next couple of days get you all readjusted to your old schedule. Working those nights was a killer.

As usual, I had a blast with you this weekend. I'm sore in all the right places, thank you very much. ;-) You definitely know how to encourage the dirty girl in me. hee hee.

Here is the flight information for next Saturday. Looks like it won't be too late of a flight. That would be really cool if you're able to pick me up. Will you let me know?

> November 26 2005>
Alaska Airlines ### >
Depart: Burbank, CA at 5:55 PM>
Arrive: Seattle, WA at 8:30 PM>

You'd think I would learn by now not to watch plane crash stuff right before I fly. I was watching an episode of ER that I had TiVo'd and, wouldn't you know it, there's a big ass plane crash (the plane fell apart during take-off). Oh joy. :-p

On a more pleasant note... How about those Seahawks?!?! 8 and 2? Do you think this could be the year? And your Bears kicked some bootay today too. Today was a good day for football.

I've attached the photo I took of you at S.'s condo. I'll be interested to hear what you think.

Okay, Sugar Ray, it's back to the mats for me. I've been doing laundry, organizing, packing a little but still have too much to do. I'm not too worried, it will all get done.

Have a great day today, and know that there's someone who's getting wet just thinking about how your cock feels when I sit on it... mmmm

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. ;-)

Kisses
L.

Subject: hey, your a fine peice

2005-11-18T17:39:00.000-08:00

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 17:39:05
To: L.
From: E.

How did your day go?

I made it to that tax class, just not the hole thing. I figured that I should leave instead of fall asleep in there.

Got home and then could not sleep. The city is doing construction on the street RIGHT FUCKEN in front of my place. O FUCKEN JOY.

I did get some rest. I am cleaning and doing laundry tohight.

I was going to tell T. I did not want to work. But he comes at me like .. I need your help! So I am meeting him at 7am. I totally forgot that I told my friends kid that I would come to her birthday party. J.'s little girl is turning 4, : ) I also forgot that I invited my other friends kid. The people who own the condo I'm trying to sell. There little gurl is 7.

So with all that .... What time are you wanting to go to your friends house to PARTY? What does the party do for our sex life after the party?

The lil party should be over like 6:30/7.

Tell me something I got up this morning thinking about you straddling my face. My hard cock in your mouth. Me tounge fucken your hole. Yeah I had to do somethin about that.

Later, pretty kitty

Subject: Well at least, TGIF :)

2005-11-18T11:13:00.000-08:00

Sent: Fri 11/18/2005 11:13 AM
From: LS
Subject: Well at least, TGIF :)

Okay so the day has taken off again with me dragging behind .. not enough time to write you a novel again today & I feel bad cuz I know from my side of things, how much I enjoy reading what you have to say. Hopefully you have enough stuff to do that you aren't missing it too badly.

I was re-reading stuff from Monday on and trying to figure out where to start on what I think about what .. I'm gonna just dive into the G. thing and ask you what you ended up deciding to do about that. I was conflicted .. part of me thought it wouldn't hurt to meet him but then you know that could always lead to trouble - so the other part of me thought, why go and risk unbalancing something you enjoy (with E.)? Either way as always I will love you no matter what you decide, and be happy to hear whatever you choose to do.

So tomorrow is Saturday and you will get to see him again, right? That's cool. I am such a schedules person, I like the idea of knowing when I'll be seeing the most important man in my life. It's fun to think about, makes me kinda giddy inside. I don't really have that right now, and I miss it, but I hope you feel like that. I know you don't like the "leaving" part, and I can totally relate to all that emotion on the way home. I used to feel like that when I'd go spend the weekend at J.'s place .. almost like a retreat from your own world and especially if the visit is a good one, it makes it a fun vacation -- and those are hard to leave behind to go back to the mundane details of the regular day-to-day life. I hear you on that.

The G-man is still over-scheduling his weekends with the guys so I won't be seeing him at all this weekend. Then comes the holiday and he is leaving Wed right after school for Cali so looks to me like I won't see him for about 2 weeks. Yeah I'm peeved with it .. bordering pissed off .. but then again, it's his choice. That frees me up to do whatever the heck I want to do -- I've been trying to make something happen on Match or Yahoo but the responses I'm getting haven't been really turning my crank. I put up new pics from the wedding that A. took that I thought were pretty dang good of me, and kind of expected some kinda response surge, but there hasn't been one. Perhaps I've just said "not interested" to too many guys ... maybe I need to start looking for another site with fresh meat!! LOL

I started back at the gym with a trainer, did I tell you that on my message last night? I feel like I did, but maybe I didn't say it .. anyway it's with that trainer I had way back, so I'll be working out Mon/Wed at lunch with him and the lunch group he's got. I'm going to scale back my Bailine's to 1x a week and then do cardio 1-2+ times a week. I always say this, but I'm always better emotionally when I'm taking care of myself physically. God knows why, when I KNOW this, I let it slide back to laziness and feeling sorry for myself. I guess we all bear our own crosses :)
Anyway that's all I got for now. I know it's a sad sack update but I've got so much to do yet today and I want to sneak out of here by 4-4:30 for sure. I left at 6:30 last night from staying late and that took ages to get home .. I want the easier, softer commute tonight if there is such a thing :)

So how is your Friday treating you? Okay, I hope?

"Are You Naked?" Message Thread

2005-11-16T20:48:00.000-08:00

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 13:33:09
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Are You Naked?

'Cause I am.

Let's be naked together.

I wanna be naked with you on Saturday night.

Does that work for you?

L.

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 20:48:10
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Are You Naked?'

I wanna be nake with you Saturday night.

I am sitting here naked right now. I am sooo horney. I am going to a porn site to play with myself, hehe

Got a lil action on the condo.

bye

e.

"I was cleaning out my desk..." Message Thread

2005-11-16T15:42:00.000-08:00

Sent: Wed 11/16/2005 2:39 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: I was cleaning out my desk...

Preaching to da' choir sista. :-)

You know you didn't comment on my Terbie photo... (and I'm acknowledging that you're buried) but I thought you wouldn't let that one pass. ;-)

Sent: Wed 11/16/2005 3:15 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: I was cleaning out my desk...

MAN I saw the attachment and was so totally excited to get a picture of my Terbie man -- but the pic is totally a silhouette of him against the colors outside or whatever they were as I could see it .. I don't even know what he's doing :( Of COURSE you know I would have had something to say about it ... I was going to tell you it didn't come thru and then I didn't .. lol

Sent: Wed 11/16/2005 3:18 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: I was cleaning out my desk...

I was gonna say...... ;-)

Well, that's a bummer that it was too dark for you to see. It is a darker picture (I was usually natural light, and the light was behind him) but it's pretty clear when I look at it on my computer. I adjusted the brightness a little. And have re-attached.

So far he's a hit here at the office. lol Now I just have to keep him from coming in or I'll lose him to H. ALL the guys like H...

Sent: Wed 11/16/2005 3:23 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: I was cleaning out my desk...

Does he look kinda like Ty Pennington or is it just me?

I know he's hot, I can't imagine you with a hot guy ... I just wish I could really SEE him cuz you know I've been on the cheering squad a long time and don't even know who I'm cheering for LOL Don't worry bout H. sweet thing.

He likes YOU .. besides, how the hell is she gonna get her claws on him LOL

I'll shoot her :D

Sent: Wed 11/16/2005 3:27 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: I was cleaning out my desk...

Did you mean to say, "I can't imagine you NOT being with a hot guy?" :-) Just want to make sure I'm getting the message straight, since I take so much ribbing from my good friends about only liking the pretty boys. :-)

I have some better photos at home (as in, more see-able). I took them over the weekend while he was shaving. lol He did not know I was taking the pic that I sent you. I was sneaking pictures of him while he was doing some real estate stuff. I actually prefer photos of him when he is not posing. He does have a great smile, don't get me wrong, but I like it when he's not trying so hard. If that makes sense.

His hair looks a little like Ty Pennington. E. actually resembles Val Kilmer a little. Particularly in the lips. :-D

Thank you for coming to my rescue, LS. I don't stand a chance in the flirt department when it comes to H. She's got that one aced.

Sigh.

Sent: Wed 11/16/2005 3:42 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: I was cleaning out my desk...

Oh GOD .. see what happens when I try to do 2 things at the same time .. yes, of COURSE I meant, I can't imagine you NOT being with a hot guy LOL ... wrong moment to slip up a word, I'm sorry LOL

We'll catch up tomorrow, my dad will be gone and I am sure it will slow down around here .. I'll make it up to you ;)

"Another crazy Monday" Message Thread Part II

2005-11-16T10:17:00.000-08:00

Sent: Tue 11/15/2005 4:18 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Another crazy Monday

Well I can't say "wow" to your novel because you said it to me about my Friday night story, so I guess the best I can do is tell you, with eyebrows super-raised, "oh, my, God" ... LOL ... your big emails are so chock-full of details, I always feel like I was almost there with you :) Thanks for putting so dang much time into that for me. No, really, you haven't said you appreciate me -- but in that "I know you" sort of way, you do it all the time, especially when you make an effort to really include me. So, thank you too for that, and for making me feel special.

I would welcome talking to you about all the stuff you wrote but I know you are leaving soon if you didn't already, and I'd rather have a little bit back to you before you go. I'm glad writing it all out helps you to wade thru the muck in your head. You know I always "get it", exactly.

I am meeting with my sponsor tonight and after a flash dinner we are going to a meeting so I won't be home until later, maybe 9 or so. I'll admit to the idea that's playing in my head of going over to see G. after that for more of that STUFF from last week.

I will think about what you asked me, about how I'm doing with it all, and try to get you a response by tomorrow morning. I have a lot of ideas, questions, responses, feelings and fears, as I'm sure you can imagine. I think it's all one big mind game on my part telling myself that I can handle this. I have a lot of fear of the meltdown that could easily take place when my wall of denial crumbles.

Okay so, thank you again for the great story and I'm so happy y'all got to spend some quality time and quantity time together. That's great no matter how you look at it, and I think you can admit that as well.

Have a good session with LD and I'll talk to you soon, darlin.

I love you :)

L

Sent: Wed 11/16/2005 10:06 AM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: Another crazy Monday

:-) Thanks for being so good to me.

I hope you had a great night last night. I decided not to call when it took me so long to get home from the gym (around 9:00) and then try to scrounge some chow. I just hunkered down and tried to relax.

My sessions with LD dredge up alot of stuff most of the time and I was pretty emotional for most of the night. The sweating felt good -- to clear some of the residual of all that crying. Today I'm not quite so emotional -- not quite -- but I'm pretty ticked off. I'm thinking it's along the lines of the SNS you tell me about. :-)

How are you doing? Are you composing your response novel? :-)

I attached the picture of E. I took on Monday. I don't know what it is about the picture, but I really like it. I'm curious to hear your impressions.

Look forward to hearing from you when you get the chance...

Sent: Wed 11/16/2005 10:17 AM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Another crazy Monday

I'm sorry, due to my own stupidity and total lack of work ethic this week I am now under extreme crisis to get the payroll stuff done & transferred by this afternoon .. I'll have to put you on hold & I apologize for that. I need to really hunker down again and get my head straight about what exactly it is that I am supposed to DO at work LOL

Anyway, I'm glad you're better today. I'm sorry that your therapy is so physically difficult for you but I have to believe that it's good to dredge all that gunk up and try to sift thru and eliminate the waste .. sounds like a porta potty LOL .. I suppose it's probably not all that far off from that when you think about it. I am almost envious though because I know that whatever is in MY pit keeps me from being the Angelina type of girl I want to be. I suspect the same goes for you - so, give yourself a sweet pat on the back, you are doing super tough work that a lot of people (me included) shy away from. I'm very proud of you :)

I'm sorry to hear you've got SNS. Not a pretty picture .. that sucks. However, it IS Wed already and that in my book is worth at least a secret nudge to a good day. Not that I have anything mammoth going on really (although this was to be the Cali boy's weekend and that ain't happenin' anymore) but, I do like the time off. You know that's funny because the weekends really are what screw up my head!! Isn't that strange.

Okay I NEED to get back at it. I'm SO SORRY :(

Forgive me & I promise to get something working for you ASAP.
I'm thinking about you!

XOXO

Blog Posting: "Questions for E."

2005-11-15T18:19:00.000-08:00

Dear E.,

If I had the balls, I would ask you the following questions:

Am I your girlfriend?

Do you think I'm pretty?

Why is your profile still active?

Are you dating anyone else?

Are you sleeping with anyone else?

Do you like me?

Do you more than like me?

Are you just killing time with me until something better comes along?

Why is your profile still active?

What do you want from me?

I don't know why I can't ask you some of these questions. Do I even want the answers? Why does it matter?

I want to believe that I am lovable.

Dear, E... Why don't you sign off our e-mails with "kisses" or "muah" or "think about me"?

What's up with the simple, "bye?"Jesus, that hurts.

"Another Crazy Monday" Letter to LS

2005-11-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

Saturday I was still in minor slug mode, although I did get up and work out in the late morning. I left a message for B. to see if he wanted me to come by before I headed out to my workout, but I actually never heard from him all weekend. Saturday was a milestone in that it was the first time in all my weeks of dating E. that I had enough patience or "whatever-ness" to wait for him to call me, rather than calling him first when I haven’t heard from him all day to set up the going-over-to-his-place time. He called me around 5:00 and I was just chilling watching my TiVo’d program (a show called Numbers that’s on Friday nights). I was so chill I even left late to drive down there, taking my own sweet time. LOL I don't know if he noticed or not -- he just seemed happy to see me.

This was a weekend of mucho "getting busy" – way more than usual. Not that I’m complaining in the least. I even got my requisite spooning and body parts staying in contact all night. Sunday morning “we” had real estate stuff to take care of before the game. We met his best friend’s wife, S., at her grandmother’s condo that E. is listing for her. So it was cool that I met one of the most important people in his life (aside from family) and got the approval of "she's cute" from S. (he told me later in the car.) I was working my killer smile to it’s fullest. ;-)

We didn’t have time to take photos of the condo (the “me” part of the “we” equation) before we left for the game, so we set up a time for me to meet him at the condo on Monday before my dentist appointment. Surprisingly, he remembered I had the day off, AND that I had an appointment. LOL

On the way to the game we stopped at a 7-Eleven store to pick up an energy drink. E. tried to pay with a $100 bill (that’s how he was paid for his off-the-books work Saturday morning) but the clerk gave him a hard time about not being able to make change for his $100 bill. E. came back to the car pretty ticked off. I gave E. the $3 he needed to buy his energy drink, which he did. When he returned to the car he was still grumbling about the clerk being an ass and then he recounted what he said to the clerk, "Why’d you have to give me such a hard time? I had to get my girlfriend to give me money for this drink because you wouldn't crack my $100." Hmmm. Girlfriend? He used the girlfriend word…

Not only that, but when he introduced me to S., he didn’t say, “This is my FRIEND L.” He just said, “this is L.” That friend label is a killer, ya know what I mean?

The game was fun. We were late and he kept checking with me to see if I was stressing about being late. I wasn't too worried, remember, I've done games with B., I'm cool. ;-) We spent the first half of the game finding a parking spot, then walking around the stadium (this was the first time he'd ever been there). He bought himself a Seahawks beanie hat (and we won’t EVEN go into how long and how many souvenir stands we had to stop at to get just the right one…), and we grabbed some grub before we hit our seats. We were able to watch the whole 2nd half of the game. It got cold and did start to rain for most of the 2nd half, but it was still fun. He was yelling and screaming and having a great time. The game was a good one. I'm so happy the Seahawks won. That was pretty much a test game for them. They have a history of becoming complacent when they win too many games in a row. So it was really cool that they played so well.

We went back to his place after the game and fooled around. I left E.'s place about 7:30, and I didn't have as bad of a time leaving as I usually do, but I had tears on the way home. I wish I knew where that comes from. I mean, I even knew I was seeing him Monday morning to take the pictures of the condo we didn't have time to on Sunday before the game. To combat the woobies, I rented a couple of movies to try to distract myself. One was that third Star Wars movie, Revenge of the Sith. I only made it through half of the movie before falling asleep. Which is funny because I haven't been able to stay awake through even one of the three pre-quel movies. LOL

The original plan for Monday morning was to meet at the condo at 11:00. While I was driving toward West Seattle, I saw that he had called me. The first thing that went through my mind was, “Oh shit, don’t tell me he’s canceling on me…” Nope, he was just thinking we could meet at the Park and Ride in Bellevue and drive together.

Why do I always jump to the worst possible negative conclusion?

When he arrived at the park and ride, he was absolutely exhausted. He always looks good in his real estate garb, :-) but he looked like he was hanging on by a thread. (He's working the 11 - 5:00 a.m. shift again this week). We stopped off to get some food in him (he's like me, if he doesn't eat at certain intervals, he's a mess) and he didn't have money to pay. I told him I would treat him -- he was concerned I thought he did it on purpose. I assured him that I WANTED to treat him. Frankly, I could care less who pays what for when. He paid for everything at the Seahawks game and the night before when we had Thai food. I don't like the whole keeping score scenarios. Isn't it weird -- the whole "getting to know you" process when it has to unfold through real life experiences versus scores of e-mails or phone calls?

Anyhoooo.....

We got him some good solid protein and arrived at the condo where I proceeded to take pictures while he continued to fill out paperwork. He is really sweating that he’s going to leave something out or miss an important step. He's a perfectionist, and this condo listing is for his very best friends in the world. He wants everything to go right for them and that translates into him doing everything perfectly. That starts me stressing about doing a good job with the picture taking in HIS eyes. This is one of the first times I’ve actually had to prove myself. And I’ve got the spectre of him “REALLY respecting the business mind” of his ex-girlfriend. Agh. You know where I’m coming from, I’m sure.

The lighting in the condo made it difficult to capture the rooms without glare and shadows. The sun really interfered, primarily because of the its position in the sky with respect to the condo's location. But he was happy with a few of my shots when he previewed them in my camera’s viewfinder. It's hard to capture a whole room when the rooms are small. I also snapped some pics of him while he was working (I don't think he knew I was doing it) and I have one that I really like. It's not entirely in focus, but the blurred background and intent look on his face is kinda cool. :-)

While he was filling out forms, he noticed that one needed S.'s signature. He started worrying out loud about whether she had to sign it before he could put it into the computer (in other words, delay the listing by a day). Then he started making noises about not being good about thinking under pressure, and wondering what other mistakes he could be making. Cheerleader that I am, I reminded him that he had basically been awake the last 24 hours, having been to the Seahawks game and working and such, and that he should cut himself a break. That seemed to help him a bit.

As we were packing up to leave, he asked me to drive (that's when I found out he had actually wanted me to drive us over there in the first place -- in his car.) I don't like to drive other people's cars. I admitted that to him, but said I would. And that I'd be nervous about it. He teased me a little bit of a hard time about me being nervous about some stuff. The thing is, I get nervous about things like driving other people’s cars because I am just as much of a perfectionist as he is. I don’t want anything to go wrong. Because, if it does, not only will I look stupid (which is a freaking mortification in my book), I also risk damaging someone else’s property because of my stupidity or clutziness.

I figure we're even on the whole perfectionist stress-case thing, don’t you?

The original plan was for us both to go back to the real estate office, upload the photos and then I would help him enter the listing information in the computer. When I told him I type 80 words a minute on the way to the condo, he was genuinely impressed. He also said that while we were in the office he would talk me up to the other agents. Suggesting that they could use my services to take photos for their listings, blah blah blah (all this before he even saw my photos – which was sweet that he had some blind faith in my ability.)

Well, it didn't work out that way because he was just too tired to think. He actually slept most of the way back to the park and ride (so, see, I drove just fine – once again proving that I worry about shit for nothing). We dropped me off at my car and he thanked me for taking time out of my day off to help him out. Rather than say my usual, "it was nothing, I was glad to," etc. etc. etc. I said, "You're welcome." and then added, "I’m happy to make time for you." That seemed to kind of catch him off guard a bit -- in a good way, I think. Like maybe other people haven’t or wouldn't or something. I don't know. That was my impression.

I got a good-bye kiss without asking for one. Oh that’s right, I didn’t tell you about not getting one when we first met up at the park and ride. I got nothing. He was slouched in his seat looking all "I'm too cool.” I realized later that it was more of an "I'm too exhausted to move" slouch when he told me he had actually hoped I would drive us in his car to the condo. I stewed a bit when I first got in the car and then forced myself to ASK for a kiss in the Safeway parking lot. Which he planted on me, but not without adding a little, "You want a kiss?" Sort of like an, "Oh do you..." if that makes sense. All I know is that I felt silly having to ask for one. I didn't have to ask for the good-bye kiss. That one came at me naturally. But then, he also had a little food on board when we parted, while he was nearly incapacitated when we first met up.

We parted ways about 45 minutes earlier than I planned (I thought I would be going directly to my dentist appointment from our picture taking excursion) which left me let down a bit. I was looking forward to showing off at the office and also hoping to squeeze out a little more time with him (I was doing the whole, should-I-or-shouldn’t-I-ask about the weekend dance in my head). I ended up going home to upload the photos out of my camera before I had to jet off to the dentist. I was able to do some editing, but not enough to be able to e-mail him the pictures. I wanted to do my part of helping him get that listing up fast.

My appointment didn't take the full two hours that was originally predicted – even with the whole insurance haggling that went on. I had a bit more time available to me before I had to work out with P., so I snuck in a mani/pedi lip wax -- something I was sweating getting taken care of before I head out of town to California next Tuesday morning. Here’s where the story gets interesting. (Well, that all depends on your view, I suppose…)

While on the way to the nail salon, I got a call from this guy named G. G. is someone who I had run the whole E-Harmony gauntlet with over the last two weeks. I forgot to tell E-Harmony to stop sending me matches (when I turned all my profiles off) because I get so few matches. G. is a really attractive (tall, dark and handsome) 35 year old who lives in South Tacoma (ugh) He had sent me an e-mail on Friday to let me know he was tied up with work and that he would call me on Monday (yesterday). I didn't expect it would be at 3:30! My mouth was still numb, so I let the call go to voice mail. I listened to it right away (of course!) and he had a pretty good voice -- always a pre-requisite.

So, I get my nails done and have a little bit of time before I was going to meet up with P. for my training. I finished editing the condo pictures and sent them off to E. in two e-mails so that they wouldn’t take so long to upload and download. I added a little cheerleading paragraph to the e-mail to tell him what a great job I think he's doing with this condo listing -- trying to stoke up his self confidence. I signed off with my usual, "thinking about you" because that's what we do most of the time. I wanted the pics to be ready for him when he woke up. I was hoping that I would have a nice e-mail or phone call to greet me when I returned from my workout.

When I got back to my place there was no e-mail or phone call. I wasn’t TOTALLY disappointed because it was still only 8:45 and I didn’t expect him (rationally) to wake up until 9:00 or so. I decided to call G. back and we had to play a little “I need to call you back” before we got the opportunity to chat at about 9:30.

His story is that he had just started E-Harmony the week we were matched up, so I'm his first experience. He would really like to meet up for a drink and /or dinner... whatever I'm comfortable with. And the only day we can really do that, between our two schedules, is Saturday night. He works at the Men's Warehouse in Southcenter and that's the day he gets off at 6:00. He suggested meeting at 7:00, somewhere halfway between the two of us.

You know, I’m curious to meet him, but I was squirrelly about agreeing to Saturday. We left it at an I’ll call him back later this week to let him know if it’s a go or not. My excuse was that I would be getting my pictures taken by a friend of a friend who is trying to become a professional photographer (B.’s friend D.) and that Saturday is the day we've scheduled and I didn't know yet what time he would be booking studio time. This is all true, but I’m expecting to get the pictures taken during the day.

The total truth, and my dilemma is that I will be leaving for California on Tuesday morning. I won't be back until Saturday night, like about 9:00. Saturday nights are something of a standing date with E. -- although sometimes they seem to be pulled together at the last moment (which is so NOT pink book, I realize, and it bugs me at gut level). If I do not see E. this Saturday, it could be at least two weeks, going on three before we would be together again. This is a big deal to me. I'm guessing it would be a big deal to him, if he actually had enough brain cells left to recognize the logistical scenario. But he's not seeing much beyond this condo listing and when he has to work (which is that ugly night shift for the rest of this week at least.) He isn’t sleeping much because he's thinking about the condo listing and worrying if he missed out on doing something he has to do.

I am usually the one who pins down the Saturday doings. But this time I DO NOT want to be the one who chases down a get together. I want it to be important enough to him to say something. I just don't trust that it’s on his radar enough to break through the fog. I’m feeling a bit taken for granted. I say this because of his not putting his hand on my thigh when we’re driving or sitting together to watch a movie. (Okay, so he did that last thing briefly this weekend, but for the most part, it’s not there). Lately he’s been signing off his e-mails with a simple “bye” when before it was, “think about me” or “I’m thinking about you” or even better “Kisses.”

I worked hard to send E. the nicely edited and re-sized digital photos so that when he woke up they would be waiting for him. After I spoke with G. (feeling more than a bit guilty I might add) I get back an e-mail just before 10:00 p.m. saying "The pictures are great! Thanks again." (ooh, an actual exclamation point!). Then he goes on to say that he didn't sleep very well. That he woke up after about five hours feeling like he needed to be doing something (he didn't know what that something was supposed to be) and that he couldn't go back to sleep. To close the e-mail I get a "Thanks again. Bye."

Okay. Now I admit that I am totally sensi-poo right now. Looking, grasping for "signs" of anything, whether good or bad. But, bye?

I’m learning not to EXPECT gushy verbiage. I didn't do the photos to put points in my E. bank, and have him owe me something in return. I did HOPE that I would get some acknowledgement that told me he was thinking about me, or even better the "kisses" closing. It's sporadic at best. I am left, in my sensi-poo state, feeling like we've been dating (or, even worse, married) for two years or something.

Here I am, seemingly getting the "girlfriend" signs and I'm feeling crappier than crappy. Do I want to accept someone who isn't gushy or demonstrative or good with words when it comes to expressing his emotions? I finally have an honest person -- someone who doesn't hide stuff from me and lets me know what's going on for him. Yet I don’t know if it’s and when it’s okay to hold hands. I wonder if he will ever feel comfortable asking me for something "risky" to his heart? I wonder if these are reasonable questions to ask at this point, or am I just making drama for myself because I don't seem to be able to be comfortable with an actual relationship?

I mean, I have not stated what I want to him. I have not asked about the hand holding thing. I have not asked about the monogamy thing. I have not asked about the exclusive dating thing. All that I HAVE done is assumed and presumed and speculated about shit I "think" he's doing and "think" he's thinking and then I make up stories in my head that, of course, are the absolute WORST case scenario.

Here I am, in the place that I really didn’t want to be, expecting him to read my mind; or for him to start the conversations and ask the risky questions. Yeah, right, like I have evidence that he would take that risky step? And yet, here I am, not willing to ask the questions that I want answers to. I’m sitting here having a temper tantrum that is reflective of the hurt little girl inside me, and not the grown-up woman I want to be. I'm just spinning my wheels and getting upset about stuff that I am filling in the blanks with.

What exactly am I afraid of? Here I am, busting his chops (behind his back!) about not risking his feelings by telling me what he wants from me (except sexually, he seems to be a little more confident with that). I’m afraid my questions might "frighten" him away or make me appear weak. In my rational mind I understand that if my questions do scare him away, then this is not the right situation for me. And, worse yet, if I don't get the answers I want, I’ll have to end the relationship.

The hurt and frustrated part of me wants to just say yes to G. and then E. can just face the consequences of not asking for my time. That same part of me thinks that I need to not call him and not e-mail him -- to leave it totally up to him to contact me. Whether he contacts me or not will speak volumes to me on where I stand in the priority level. I see that that course of action is also a form of temper tantrum. It’s certainly not very grown up, and it’s more likely to result in me being hurt than him.

I guess, what is underlying my hurt and frustration is that, at its core, it’s really all about me. It's my garbage. My interpretation of his actions/words/inactions. My skewed (from previous experiences) perception of the reality of the situation.

By just letting things be, I am getting some of the things I've wanted all along. To be introduced to his friends. To be involved in some of his real estate doings (I love to be a support system). To hear him actually use the word girlfriend. To have him introduce me to S. not as his "friend" L. But simply as L. (not being relegated to just the friends category).

Holy crap this is a whole lot of brain dump. Sorry. :-(

I know this would have been better said over the phone or in person, I just don't know when I can get to that. lol

Which brings me back to G. The reason he didn’t call me until Monday is that he wanted to give me his full attention on a fresh mind. After working a long day (opening and closing the store) he just doesn’t have much left over to give socially and he didn’t think he would make a good first impression if he started snoring during our first phone conversation. Can you say red flags on the availability scale as well as the likelihood of me getting, “how are you doing/thinking about you” phone calls during the week? Not to mention he lives all the way down in freaking SOUTH Tacoma. Sigh. What am I doing even thinking about going out with G.?

Okay, I’m going to shut this freight train down. Bottom line, I’m feeling at odds right now with myself, what I want, and what is real. I don’t trust my skewed view of my “relationship” with E. I have nigglies that I don’t know if they are true, gut-level nigglies, or they’re the destructive, I don’t deserve a relationship sabotage.

It’s a good thing I’m meeting with LD in an hour.

Thank you so much for allowing me to write this all out. I do feel a lot better than I did when I started it. I actually went back and re-read and re-wrote a lot of it. I’m seeing some things in a much more charitable light than I first saw them in.

I don’t know if I’m looking for permission to be the organizer for this weekend – to get my face time. Or if I’m looking for someone to agree with me to just hold out and leave it to him to contact me. Sigh.

Thanks again for being my good friend. I know you struggle with this same stuff. It’s so hard to know what is real and what is fantasy.

Did I let you know I appreciate you recently? :-)

Love ya!

LKK

"Another Crazy Monday" Part I of Message Thread

2005-11-15T13:57:00.000-08:00

Sent: Mon 11/14/2005 10:29 AM
From: LS
Subject: Another crazy Monday

Hey there!

I was gonna call you Sat AM to check in but wasn't sure what time you were heading out and figured I'd just wait. How was your weekend? Did you guys have fun? Yesterday was a rough day for weather ... I hope you lived thru it and maybe even enjoyed yourselves!

Much of my weekend was way low-key. Yesterday I didn't do ANYTHING. Except brush my teeth and feed the dog LOL .. I couch potatoed like nobody's business. Sat I did a lot of stuff, running around here & there and doing a lot of laundry in between. Friday night I went over to G.'s for dinner and we watched The Wedding Date. We gone with all that around 8:30 I think and then all my plans to stay strong went out the window after he talked me into "trusting him" .. he lit candles, put some low music on and gave me the body massage of my entire life. I think it must have been an hour, really. Entire back then front, then a lot of massaging of another lower, smaller location which of course, made having sex a moot point, so I did and it was feverish and exciting and I cried .. I left shortly afterwards because I just had to. I am doing my very best work NOT to think about it all, why he did that and what he was thinking and what I should do about it. I am going to just go along with whatever happens and continue surfing the websites I'm on and just .... let myself get all messed up, probably :-) Talked to him yesterday for awhile and this morning he called me and I guess we might get together Wed or Thurs.

You know I'm gonna really get messed up with this. Why am I so nuts?!?! I need to listen to my books on tape again, obviously.

Anyway as days go, today I'm having a good one but I'm pretty busy working on payroll reports and that kinda thing for this week. Tell me how your weekend went when you get a chance!

Sent: Tue 11/15/2005 1:57 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: Another crazy Monday

Hi, Linda,

Hey, sorry about not being around to answer yesterday. I had a four-day weekend. :-) Not that you need to be envious of my day off yesterday though. I spent alot of it in the dentist chair getting fillings that I will have to pay in full for, since my dental insurance limit was already reached with my prior appointment. My dentist was pretty cool though. They had made a miscalculation of what was left on my insurace based on an assumption (i.e. what most people who have WDS insurance have) and thought I wouldn't be "in the pocket" for the full amount. So what was cool was that my dentist didn't charge me for two of the fillings. I still owe $665 though. Some merry Christmas, huh?

Wow. That's about all I'm able to say about your Friday night. Wow in both a good way and with worry for you. But... Wow. How are you feeling today about this whole thing?

Well, as you know from our phone conversation, my Friday was much like your Sunday. And that was good in my book. I haven't had a day like that where I actually CRAVED the downtime. I've been so uncomfortable in my own space lately that it was pretty cool to channel a little of my inner slug.

Because the rest of this turned out to be of "War and Peace" proportions, I have attached it in a Word Document. Happy reading... :-)

Subject: Round Two

2005-11-14T18:43:00.000-08:00

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 18:43:12
To: E.
From: L.

Hey again!

Here are the other shots. Hope they turned out okay for you. Let me know if we need to redo anything.

Talk with you soon...

L.

"Wakey Wakey :-)" Message Thread

2005-11-14T18:40:00.000-08:00

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 18:40:14
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Wakey Wakey :-)

Hi, E,

I hope you were able to get some good sleep. You looked so tired this morning -- still stylin', but tired. :-)

I am going to send the pictures in two e-mails to have them download faster for you. This e-mail will have the main shots you picked. The next e-mail will have the shots of the extra rooms that you may want to use now or later -- or if you have anyone e-mail you for more.

I wanted to let you know that I think you're doing a great job with this. You're working really hard, being thorough and professional with S. and her mom, and you're great about asking questions to get all the information you can to best represent your listing. All that and being sleep-deprived to boot. You rock!

Okay, here are the pics...

Thinkin' about ya...

L.

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 21:46:50
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Wakey Wakey :-)

hey l., thoses pictures are great! thanks again.

i got like 5hours of sleep. I could not go back to sleep. i felt that there was something I needed to do or get done. Nothing that pressing, just in my head.

thanks again

bye

Subject: I wanna fuck

2005-11-12T14:06:00.000-08:00

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 14:06:05
To: L.
From: E.

I can't wait till tonight. I was thinking about the things we are going to do this evening, and my cock was getting hard. I had to play with myself!

Can't wait for the real thing!

like u later

"whatta day" Message Thread

2005-11-10T16:28:00.000-08:00

Sent: Thu 11/10/2005 3:36 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: whatta day

You crack me up, LS! Are you going to meet up with the dude?

I'm sorry to hear about the Cali guy. I agree with you on the good thing it happened now versus later. But still, the dalliance was fun, I'm sure. So boohoo on that.

My day's going okay. I'm kinda back in the dumps. My man sent me a very risque e-mail of what we're going to do on Saturday (including some tame stuff that is actually cool that he is involving me in -- i.e. real estate stuff -- something I've offered to help on, but he's always deferred...) Anyway. I responded by phone and had to leave a message.

Can you guess why I'm wooby?

He didn't return the call. Grrrrr. I hate that. I know he will, I don't doubt that. It's just the whole not calling back on the same day thing that puts my nose out of joint. Sigh.

Other than that, I'm really busy on a busy-work sort of project, but it will be helping out one of my co-workers big-time. So I'm always happy about that. I like to make people feel good, that's for sure! :-)

I'm wanting Terbie to call me soon. We had an "up in the air" possibility of getting together before he goes to work tonight. So I'm sending all my "call me call me call me" vibes his way. :-) Like you, I'm in THE MOOD for some SERIOUS extra curricular activities. And I really don't want to wait until Saturday. I want my immediate gratification!!!!! :-)

LOL

Thank you for writing, by the way. I appreciate that. I've had my head down for way too long now! :-)

Oh, and I want to remind you that I won't be here Friday. It's Veteran's day, so I'll be off. Are you working tomorrow? What are your plans for the weekend?

I pushed up my appointment with P. to 10:00 tomorrow morning. So that way I'll have my day free. I'm thinking of going to see B. up in Everett. He had back surgery yesterday, and I'd like to help him out with the kitties and bunnies (he has even more of a menagerie than I do) if I can. If you're not working tomorrow afternoon, do you want to catch a movie or something? Let me know. :-)

Oh, and how is T-dog? Did you have to take her to the vet?

Oh, and lastly, my back is getting much better. I'm hoping to be able to do a leg workout with P. tomorrow.

Okay, that's it for now. What's going on? :-)

Sent: Thu 11/10/2005 3:56 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: whatta day

I am gonna focus all my "call me call me call me" energies to you in hopes that Terbie comes thru for your NEEDS tonight LOL :) .. heck call him & let him know you've got the needs and that you're coming over -- what can he say, no??? :)

You crack me up too LOL

The old man invited me to breakfast Sat morning after a meeting. Mind you I think I'm having "lunch" with G. Sat so I didn't want to have plans to have to hustle out of to get over to see G. so I told D. (the old man) that I couldn't do breakfast but that I would make it to the meeting and be very glad to see him :) A little flirting never hurt anyone .. I hope .. LOL

He may be 55 but he is one HOT old man. I bet he's one of those never-aging guys ;)
You know I'm 1 year younger than his search range .. and of course, he's about 10-12 years older than mine LOL .. should be a nightmare just waiting to happen!!

Despite being dumped for being materialistic I'm having a great afternoon
God knows why, I don't have a good reason LOL .. I reckon it's that I'm relieved because after last night's conversation with the Cali guy I was really getting worked up in a panic about it. Obviously he was too so I'm really glad he said something. I offered to pay my share of the ticket anyway as a token of my materialistic appreciation LOL -- we'll see if he agrees to take my money. I betcha he will want to really badly cuz he doesn't have that much money but he'll think it totally inappropriate and tell me "no" even though it will bite him in the butt. We'll see.

I DO have to work tomorrow, which sucks because I would love to hang with you in the afternoon. I also had made plans with my friend J. to go see the new Zorro flick (that Banderas character boils my blood I tell you, and I think Zeta-Jones is a hottie for a chica too so I'm really all over that blend) but she's got CPS issues with her kid & grandkid (the kid has a lot of mental problems and someone reported her for something, and J. is the grandkid's legal guardian so she now has to take the grandkid away from the kid until CPS figures this mess out ... not good) so she's busting out of our plans. It's shaping up to be another weekend full of plans that never really come to fruition. I think this weekend I'll be taking matters into my own hands and doing some stuff on my own. Heck I gotta take that small fortune of wedding outfits I didn't wear back to Macy's too .. so see, I have things on my plate (can you hear me trying to convince myself of it?) :)

Hmm. Oh, the T-dog is doing just fine I think. Yesterday morning I was starting the "oh god she's really sick" panic cuz she didn't eat breakfast (and hadn't eaten dinner the night before either), but when I got home she was super-excited and hungry, and I think the walk helped a lot. Then I fed her and she ate the whole bowl of food, and she slept well last night. I think we're onto recovery, thank God. Thank you for asking about her :) You're so thoughtful!

A little endorphin rush wouldn't be bad for helping your back and muscles heal faster.
Just a thought!

I'm thinking really really hard for that phone to ring ring ring!!!! ;)

Sent: Thu 11/10/2005 4:18 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: whatta day

Thank you for my good phone vibes. They're not working, but I'm hoping hoping hoping. :-) I would call him, but I'm being a little ornery here. It's his job to return my phone call. (Picture me with my arms crossed).

Oh hell, who ever said I had any dignity. I'll probably call if I haven't heard from him by the time I leave.

Yay, I'm glad to hear that T-dog is back to being her spritely self. That had to be scary for you. I just don't handle sick pets very well. It gets my biggest motherly worries all a dither.

Well, shoot, I'm sorry your "set" plans are changing. But it sounds like you have some good back-ups. My "set" plans are:

Train with P. (Friday)
Stay over night w/E. (Saturday -- not sure who's place)
Seahawks Game (Sunday)
Try not to have a breakdown Sunday night (separation anxiety)
2 hr Dentist Appointment (Monday).

Oh joy! ;-)

Don't offer to pay half the ticket. It was his big idea to come charging up here. And it was his idea that you weren't his type. (Materialistic? Puhleeze). Don't take on his garbage. Okay?

Flirt away Saturday morning. Sounds like a plan. And, here's something controversial... If you don't have "Set" plans with G., go to coffee with the hot old guy. It's not game playing with G., it's called living your life. Guys do it all the time. Just a thought... ;-)

Well, if you're having a need for a little Latin hottie viewing, give me a call. I'm not sure how long I will be at B.’s (if I even go -- don't know if he'll want me there).

Okay, that damn phone better ring soon. It's chapping my hide! ;-)

If I don't talk with ya later, have a great night. And I'm serious about the whole going out thing, okay?

Ciaoza, baby! You know you're the best!

Sent: Thu 11/10/2005 4:28 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: whatta day

I'll give you a call tomorrow after work and we'll touch base on where we're at.

If it works out, it would ROCK to go see that flick with you LOL Thanks for offering to with.

Don't be too ornery, Sunshine.

Think about what you could get all for just a little phone call and arm-un-crossing ;)
I like the idea of throwing the dignity doll out the window LOL I have been thinking more & more about the old man :D

If I don't hear from G. by tomorrow night (and therefore he puts off making plans until the day of said lunch) then I am all about changing over to Mizz Controversial LOL and spending some time with D. What's the harm anyway, right? It's all just dating, I don't owe anybody anything HAHA right .. :)

GOOD LUCK tonight and I'm still thinking the mantra real hard in my head!!

Talk tomorrow!

Love ya!

"Triumphant Return Of Seattle's Rising Soul Superstar" Message Thread

2005-11-09T16:48:00.000-08:00

Wed, 9 Nov 2005 08:26:29
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Fwd: Triumphant Return Of Seattle's Rising Soul Superstar

Hey!

Hope your night went well and you're getting some good sleep. :-)

My back is feeling even a little bit better today. Yay!

I've attached an announcemnt for a music show this Saturday night down in Seattle. It's at the Triple Door which is a pretty cool, big, kind of retro venue with Thai food (or we could eat beforehand). I wanted to throw this out to you as an idea for Saturday. I've never heard the musical artist before, but I kinda like that style o' music.

Let me know if you are interested. It's cool if you're not -- we always find interesting ways of entertaining ourselves. ;-)

Have a great day!

Kisses

L.

Wed, 9 Nov 2005 16:48:17
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Triumphant Return Of Seattle's Rising Soul Superstar

Hi, I think that sounds like fun.

Hope your feeling better.

Hey you got a digital camera? I'm gunna need to take pictures of that condo. Maybe Saturday?
Didn't you say you wanted to take some nasty pictures? I would love to get one of you with with my cock in your mouth, that would be hot! Yeah lets do that!

think about other pictures you want to take ... or have U?

e.

"RE: To The People In My Life..." Message Thread

2005-11-09T14:46:00.000-08:00

Sent: Wed 11/9/2005 10:27 AM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: To The People In My Life...

:-)

Hump day is much better, thank you! My back is a little better with each day. Yay! I received a "how are you doing today" call last night as well as a firm-up of the plans for this weekend. So now I know the Seahawks game is a done deal and that we're spending the night together Saturday night before the game. He's got to zoom to sign some papers on a condo he's listing for some friends (which is exciting for him, I know he's been chomping at the bit to do real estate stuff -- the real stuff). So he's in a much better place with lots of potentially good things happening for him.

I have to go meet with the Chapter 13 Trustee this afternoon. It's my first review where they decide if I can afford to pay more each month toward the bankruptcy. I'm a little nervous. But I feel pretty good today. Confident. And so glad that my back is getting better (seemingly) quickly. I was worried this would go on for ever.

How are you doing today? What's going on on your side of the Internet? :-)

Sent: Wed 11/9/2005 10:36 AM
From: LS
Subject: RE: To The People In My Life...

Eh :)

Nothing exciting really. One day closer to next weekend, that's about all I'm really concentrating on right now. I don't even know if Sat lunch will take place or not, it just seems like a BS kinda thing to throw out there from G. I just still think if he wanted to see me (and it's been over 2 weeks now) he'd make the effort to see me. I think this way out there planning thing not only isn't his thing, but it's just a weak-ass throw out to the dogs. Just my
hurt ego opinion :) Who knows what it will be by then.

T-dog won't eat .. she ate some breakfast yesterday but not dinner, and not breakfast today. She's drinking water and last night ate grass which of course made her sick and put her I think on the hunger strike. I just want her to eat ... I'm thinking tonight I'll take her for a short walk, that always fires her up and gets her appetite going. We'll see. If she is still acting weird tomorrow it will be time to call the vet and take her in. I hope I don't have to do that.

I'm glad you're feeling better about things with Terbie :)

That really does make me happy for you and for him. I think you're great and you deserve to be happy!

Sent: Wed 11/9/2005 12:27 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: To The People In My Life...

Ruh Roh. :-( I'm sorry to hear that T-dog's not bouncing back from her stress mess. :-( I hope that the walk tonight sparks up her appetite. It could be a little doggie flu too. Hopefully it is nothing serious. C. likes to give me a wake up call every year. I spend a fortune at the vet. They can't find anything wrong and she just bounces back. Little drama queen. Hopefully T-dog will bounce back quickly.

If you can, try not to get tooooooooo pumped up about next weekend. :-) Yeah, right! I just don't want you to spend a whole bunch of energy thinking on it and hoping on it and building it up to be something that, no matter how great it is, won't live up to the image in your mind. I hope that makes sense. I'm preaching to the choir, I know. Just wanting to get it in print so that you can quote it back to me at some future opportunity. ;-)

As for the G. thingie... Here's how I see it. I think he really does like you and miss you. There are consequences to that that he is now very aware of because you've been great about laying out what you want. Before you did that there was a lot of wiggle room and loosy-goosy loopholes that men like to keep. It's just part of our differences of how the different sexes operate. Yes, it's true he could get a hold of you and ask you to go there earlier. But there are consequences. Guys just aren't good with consequences.

I hope that does your ego a little bit of good. I really don't have any doubt that he likes you and wants to spend time with you and most likely wants it just the way it was. It's not going to be that way for you. You want what you want. He now has to decide if he can operate within those parameters. That will, most likely, take him some serious time to figure out.

Not to get all harsh or anything, but remember the break-up book and the 60-day principle. You cannot just be friends within that 60 day period. The just friends deal is not going to be an option. You know this I think. You know that just spending time in his presence is going to have you constantly wondering, "is he going to make a move?" "Why isn't he making a move?" "What am I going to do if he makes a move?" Where in all that wondering is there you just enjoying the moment for what the moment is? See what I'm saying?

I will support you and love you no matter what or how you choose to proceed with G. He is a special person for you and I would never try to talk you out of those feelings. They're real, they're true and they're big. Just please, please be careful. Treasure yourself. Know what it is that you want. I certainly understand the curiosity of seeing if you can do this, just be friends. Greg and Amira are right though. Being friends with an ex isn't always in the cards, and certainly isn't easy to accomplish -- especially within the 60 days.

Remember what I told you about S. and I. I love him to death, I enjoy spending time with him now and can do it without an ounce of hurt feelings or regrets. But that took at least a year to get to that point. There was a LOT of heartache in between. Be good to you, okay?

Thank you for your continued support with the Terbster. He's a tough one for me. I'm just so animated and exaggerative with my language and style compared to his spare and literal one. This whole being patient thing is for the birds! :-)

I'm off to the bankruptcy trustee's. Wish me luck! I'll write when I get back. I hope that what I said above didn't come across badly. :-( You've been so good at giving me the reason and the rationality when I'm over the top. The above is my attempt to return the favor.

Love ya, girl!

Sent: Wed 11/9/2005 12:47 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: To The People In My Life...

Oh, Honey! You were not too harsh. I appreciate that you are honest with me and point out things you see or think, because I may or may not see that stuff. And I'd really not thought about the 60 days thing, although I remember it. By this weekend it will be almost 3 weeks LOL I guess that's not so close to 60 days, is it. Oh well LOL ... and, really, honest-from-the-heart-edly, I am not interested in being "just friends" with him. Maybe that will come to pass at some point but I still want more than that from him. I don't really know why I'm agreeing to get together at all, other than it's his offer and I'd rather see him than not so I took it. We'll see how it goes IF it goes this weekend, but I am pretty sure to be disappointed with it all, you're right.

I am using a delivery to Fremont as an excuse to cut out early today, dunno what time but I think 3 sounds good to me LOL so, if you are back before then I'll still be here. Hope your meeting went well!!!

Sent: Wed 11/9/2005 2:30 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: To The People In My Life...

Hi again!

Ooh, the 60 days slipped your mind did it? ;-) lol I'm just giving you a hard time. After listening to the book out loud I am surprised you don't have those words ingrained into your brain. lol I hear exactly where you are coming from. I just don't want you to be hurt. That's the place where I'm coming from. At least you know something about what you're getting into if you climb that slippery slope. :-)

The meeting went well and was pretty fast. It was nice to be downtown. I got in and out of there without any change in my deduction. And I also learned some things about the case and the application of my monthly payment. That was cool. So I'm glad that's over.

I think you've got a great excuse going there. It'll be good to get home to T-dog early too. She won't be expecting it, so it will be a nice surprise to get home while it's still light out and maybe take her on a quick walk.

Enjoy your time, and I'll be around tonight if you want to chat! Ciaoza, baby!

Sent: Wed 11/9/2005 2:46 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: To The People In My Life...

Good job on the meeting :)

Glad for you it went well.

I have a meeting tonight at the ole halfway work release house, with my sponsor, and then din-din after with her. Our monthly service work we do together. It's a rough crowd but when it's good, it's OH SO good to be a part of it. We probably won't get back to my place until 9-9:30, that's usually about the time we get back. Another reason I need to get home & check on the sickie. I can't stay home tonight and hold her on the couch like she'll want me to!

This 55 year old guy in the program that I've always thought was HOT in that Sean Connery sort of way sent me an email today on Match. Mind you he's looked before, I've seen that .. but he hasn't ever said hello. He asked me if I remembered him at all and that made me laugh. DUH .. you're only the hottest old guy I know LOL .. he was, I think, just saying hello but I asked him if he'd be up for coffee and a meeting tomorrow night. I don't know what I was thinking LOLOL ... he didn't answer, I'm sure he's surprised and probably a little suspicious of it. I'm not really his type. God knows how I got that out of my head thru my fingers on the damn screen. AND then hit send LOL ... whatever ... I'm just sick in the head, I need to accept that :) Probably not talk to you till tomorrow, darlin. Hope you have a good night!

"Today" Message Thread

2005-11-08T14:46:00.000-08:00

Sent: Tue 11/8/2005 2:10 PM
From: LS
Subject: Today

Howdy there LKK,

I'm sorry I missed your call last night. I left the phone downstairs when I was doing laundry. Had to call myself this AM to find the phone! I hope you found something to make yourself feel better ... hopefully the tub did some wonders for you. Pulled muscles are a bitch and a half! I hope yours goes away quickly.

How about today? How are you feeling? Wooby? :(

Sent: Tue 11/8/2005 2:15 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: Today

Hey there!

No worries on the phone call. That's funny that you had to call yourself to find the phone! :-)
Definitely still wooby and a half. I'm in some sort of downward spiral of feeling sorry for myself. It's probably a good thing I have an appointment with my talk therapist at 3:00. I'm going home from work after that appointment. My back is absolutely killing me and sitting isn't doing it any good.

Last night I didn't make it to the bathtub. B. came over for a few hours and we just shot the sh*t. His visit contributed a little to my increased wooby. And it didn't help that there was no "how are you feeling today?" e-mail in my in-box this morning from you-know-who.

I think the wooby is from this constant questioning of myself. The wondering and poking at the unknown (i.e. the questions about exclusive dating, etc. that haven't been asked) as well as wondering if I'm overly needy (this seems to be the point of out-of-control, obsessive neediness in my relationships) and contemplating whether a person, while being a nice person, is not very demonstrative when I'm feeling this need for demonstrativeness.

I have to wonder if my neediness arises most when I know he is least likely to give it (i.e. his life is in chaos and he's not handling it well -- he's a retreater). That seems to be a modus operendi of mine. So that I self sabotage. That way I can enhance my martyrdom.

He asked me to call him. The wooby in me wants to not call. To punish him. But, as you've found with G., it really only serves to punish me (or you, in that case). As we're the only people aware of what we're doing. They (the normal ones) just think we're busy living our fabulous lives and we'll call when we find time. Blah! The part of me that wants this to go forward at least through this Seahawks weekend (but truthfully, long beyond) says to just call. It's my turn to step up. He'll have his turn. Geez, I'm an optimist.

lol

So, that's the happs on my wooby. Totally woobified and woefull. I just know I'm going to spend that hour with LD bawling my eyes out. :-(

How's tricks for you today?

Sent: Tue 11/8/2005 2:36 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: Today

I'm sorry honey. I hate when people I care about are feeling wooby!!! :(

That makes me feel bad too.

I think you have to rise above the feeling to punish and do what you've agreed to do.
You've agreed to be involved with him and in doing so you have to try to be pure in heart and mind and do what you would want him to do if the tables were reversed. I know you want him to hurt like you are hurting BUT, maybe you need to take the "lead by example" approach. It doesn't work when you play the game the way you want to play it. It only will hurt you more, because you are the more sensitive one. I know this from extremely similar experience and I just wanna help you try to avoid that stuff.

If you have stuff to tell him, you have to try to tell him. If not then you are sabotaging yourself. He is admittedly in his own world half the time so it sounds like you need to take the upper hand and watch out for yourself. Protect yourself from this feeling by using honesty in your favor.

This is one of those DO WHAT I SAY NOT WHAT I DO types of motivational speeches :)
I'm glad you are going to talk to your therapist, I think it will help you get stuff out that needs to get out.

I have no plans tonight but G. tried to call twice while I was at lunch with my friend A. I dunno if he's going to ask me over or not, guess we'll see what we see. I will go if he asks but I'm not going to call him back and make it easy for him. (You'll note just minutes after telling you to be honest I am already back in my comfort zone of ego and stubborness!!!)

Good luck with LD, sweetheart.I'm thinking of you.

LS

Sent: Tue 11/8/2005 2:40 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: Today

Thank you for the support and advice. You are so right. Any of my little "get you backs" only make me feel worse and, if they have any response at all, will only confuse E.. I want to play the game a little longer. I think that's the RIGHT thing to do. Because where I'm at emotionally is not the best place to make sound decisions from. Thank you for reminding me of that. And reminding me of my word. I want to be believed when I give my word.

Well, that's an interesting turn of events. The phone calls. Hmmm. You'll have to keep me posted. What time are you leaving tonight? Maybe we can occupy each other as we battle traffic. :-) I'll be on the road around 4:15 or so. Let me know.

Otherwise, thanks a bunch for listening and taking it all in and giving back to me. I really really appreciate it. :-)

Sent: Tue 11/8/2005 2:46 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: Today

I am gonna shoot for leaving at 4:30, we'll see if I get out of here or not .. but I'll try to call you when I leave & we'll see if we can buoy each other thru the traffic.

Love you :)

Subject: im tired

2005-11-07T21:43:00.000-08:00

Mon, 7 Nov 2005 21:43:32
To: L.
From: E.

So I am getting ready for work. Thought I would say hi.

I am hoping to make it to the office Tuesday.

Hope your day was good.

bye

e.

Subject: Re: Yada Yada Yada

2005-11-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

Sent: Mon 11/7/2005 2:39 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Yada Yada Yada

I got it baby doll and I read it and am shaking my head side to side with my lower lip out .. I don't want you to be upset about things! I'm so proud of you to try to get yourself into a more fair, honest place mentally, on his side and the side of what's really there. You know he's not changed that way ... that "busy all the time" way. I think that is gonna be a doozie of a thing when you can't spend real time with him after being together this long. Some of his little phrases were kinda not-so-cool but then, you always say he's not the big thinker type and I hardly think he's thinking when he throws an off-hand comment your way. But it does seem like he's down-playing, doesn't it. Like it's fun but it's not important to him? Is that how you feel about it?

I'm gonna think more about it and yes I'll call you later on tonight. I feel your wooby, sister :(

L

"Yada Yada Yada" Letter To LS

2005-11-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

Hey there,

I thought you would probably be scrambling. :-) No worries on writing it all out. Unless it helps to see it in writing, we can talk about it. I'll be up for awhile tonight, so if you want to call after your meetings, that's cool. If you're too tired after the meetings (don't know how much talking is going on at those meetings lol) that's okay too. I guess what I'm getting at is even though I'm anxious to hear about the doings, you tell me in your own time. :-)

My weekend... Hmmm.... You know, Friday I was just flying high. Feeling so good after Thursday's cuddle and conversate session. It just felt sooooo good and comfy and cozy, like we're really moving forward. Not only that on the romantic front, but I was really happy with some of the work I've been doing at work. I finished up a couple of big projects that I felt turned out really well.

So, Friday I called E. to shoot the breeze and get some details on Saturday night if possible (he was supposed to be going to the Huskies game with his dad). He had just gotten some bad/scary news right before I called, so he was really out of it. I tried to distract him a little with jokes, but he wasn't really buying (not entirely) although he did try to perk up a little bit for me.

Saturday I was still in high, positive energy mode. I got my hair cut and colored with excellent results. I took care of some banking issues and then spent a small fortune at Victoria's Secret. I really enjoy cool lingerie and I am so happy that I am with someone who appreciates the effort and likes the result when I wear it. So... I started to feel a little guilty about spending money I don't have (I had to do one of those Payday loans) as well as having that tiny little niggly in the back of my mind, "what if he cancels for tonight." So I'm feeling a little uneasy, a little guilty and a whole lot gotta-keep-moving. I looked into movies to see, but nothing really stoked my interest. I located a movie that was playing in the Kent area that, if E. didn't go to the game, I would see if he wanted to meet there.

Well... Saturday he was still wooby. He had worked until about 2:30 or 3:00 (this is his extra money on the side job) and didn't go to the game because of the rain. He wasn't up for the movie, but wanted me over there. We could make dinner and watch a movie he had rented. He made sure to let me know that if I stayed over night that he had to work in the morning at 9:00 and then he would be doing real estate stuff. He is pretty good about keeping me informed so we don't have the awkward, "it's time for you to go" moment. While we were on the phone he was talking about his day and how they took a long lunch, and "oh, did you know they're building a Ram restaurant near where we're working. We'll have to go check that out. And, Oh, there were some really hot chicks going into the Ram all day. They were so hot. The guys and I call hot girls biscuits. So there were all these biscuits going into the Ram. So we checked it out and all these TV's were playing but the restaurant wasn't open yet...." blah blah blah.

Needless to say, I'm thinking on the whole biscuit discussion on the way down to his place. I wasn't entirely pissed. I still had a pretty good buzz going from my good day. That, and when I stopped by QFC to pick up some dinner items, there was this little girl collecting canned goods for a food drive, so I loaded up on chili and stew and ravioli and such for her. I was feeling very magnanimous at the same time as feeling wooby about being talked to like I was one of the guys. All the way down there I'm trying to think how best to bring it up and let him know that I prefer he doesn't tell me about biscuits. For good measure, I played my theme song reallllllly loud as I got close to his exit. (It's Ricky Martin's "She Bang" if you're curious).

We made dinner together, which I enjoy alot. It turned out really good. I broached the subject of the biscuits. I had told him I was feeling a bit mad when I first got there, but not what it was about specifically. We had a little joke going about some maddening things that happened earlier that day for both of us. He was over his of course. Sometimes I wish I had his ultra-laid back style! Anyway, the biscuits. I told him that I didn't want to hear about biscuits or how many hot women are hanging around the job site or whatever. (Nicely and with some laughs) I, of course, had to start the discussion with, "Am I a biscuit?" lol What is he supposed to say to that? No?!?! I played the girl card on him, saying that as a woman, I don't really like to hear about other women. I mean, I'm not one of the guys for crying out loud! (that last part was put very very much nicer). Then I made the mistake of saying, "I don't tell you about all the hot guys at the gym."

He replied, correctly dammit, "You have." Yeah, but not lately. I don't like doing it. I always feel that's disrespectful and that I'm playing a game with him. The thing is, I hadn't called him on it before. I laughed along with him. But then, those times are when I could actually see the woman myself, and he was with me. Not with the guys and whatever fricking peer pressure that comes with a-hole construction worker types. So now he knows that it bothers me. We'll see if he responds to it.

My sincere belief is that, if he doesn't break up with me, I will see a difference. I have in everything else I've made known to him that is important to me. He is a good guy behind that sometimes inscrutable exterior. He really is. Whether he is "my" good guy -- you know, the "right" one for me... Who knows.

Anyway, back to the story.

We partook of a certain herbal remedy -- and he was way beyond anything I did. It bothered me, LS, because his rationale for being able to do the herb versus drink was that he wouldn't do it until he blacked out, like with alcohol. Saturday night he was pretty much ready to go until it was all gone. He didn't, but he would have if I'd been more agreeable. He was also willing to drive to go get dessert. I didn't let him, but he would have. A DUI is a DUI is a DUI. Ya know what I mean?

We watched the movie, and it was kinda hilarious how we were talking at the screen -- trying to figure out the mystery (the movie was a suspense/drama, not a comedy -- the comedy was us). I was high, but I still noticed that, while he did sit right next to me, making sure our bodies were at least in contact (something I really like -- and look forward to every time we're together), he didn't put his hand on my thigh or anywhere else, like he usually does. It was me that did that. :-( Even in my condition I noticed that. Not that it means anything, because he is different when he's high. Not bad, not good, just different.

After the movie was over, we flipped around the channels for a bit and watched a little of what he wanted and then he flipped back to a show I had shown a body-language interest in -- Law & Order: SVU. He calls it L & O SUV. ;-) Anyway, he started falling asleep and I kept saying we could go to bed. He wanted me to be able to watch what I liked, but he eventually said he would go to bed and I could finish watching it. Well, that was a first. That's never been an option before -- it's been a "let's go to bed" type of thing. So I made it a, "No, I'm ready for bed too" event. When we stood up to make our way there, all hell broke loose in a very pleasant and "hot" way. We actually had a pretty fantastic romp before turning out the lights.

We talked for a bit. Don't you just love pillow talk? But he was falling fast. One thing I find kinda precious about him is that he gives me the apologetic warning. "I'm fading fast. I don't want to fall asleep if you're talking." (I'm not saying it the way he does, it's very sweet the way he does it.)

Okay, so what this whole novella is building up to is this. During the night he didn't do the usual spooning, or keep bodies in contact thing that he has done every time in the past. He pretty much flopped onto his side on his side of the bed and started snoring. He didn't really respond during the night when I would snuggle up to him. Usually he gives me a little squeeze, or, when I roll over with my back to him, he'll roll at the same time and spoon up to me. None of that. :-(

So.... In the course of the night I had a very bad dream that we were breaking up. And I woke up in a pretty wooby mood. In the morning he was a little better about the spooning, and we did have morning wakeup sex which actually ended up being pretty hot, but my mood was already set. I felt like I had to initiate the intimacy, and when he didn't immediately respond (the little head did, but the big head was in a fog somewhere away from me) it only added to the wooby. Being in the wooby state of mind, when he did respond and actually re-initiate the original initiation (I had rolled over -- I didn't want to feel like I was pressuring him for something he didn't seem to want), I ended up feeling like he was only doing it because I pressured him. lol Self-fulfilling prophecy.

The fact that almost immediately after (even though it was actually a lengthy romp) he jumped up and said, "I have to get up!" only added to the ever-increasing wooby. Can you tell that this wooby is growing into a monster? He actually did my pushups with me (we were up to 23 yesterday, this morning I had to do 24 -- yuck!) and he made me breakfast (or at least included me in his breakfast).

I was pretty much ready to go when he was. His boss was supposed to be there at 9:00 to pick him up. At a little before 9:00 he called his boss and got a "This phone number is no longer in service." That kinda weirded him out. He shrugs it off and figures he'll just drive himself. Then he realizes that T. (the boss) has E.'s tools in his car. Whoopsie. He's getting a bit short and direct with me (work mode) and I'm just waiting for us to go because I'm blocking his car in and he can't go anywhere. Then he asks the question that's still ringing in my head.

"Are you going to stay or do you need to go?"

Well, I'm totally confused and say, "I'll stay if you want me to. Otherwise I'm good to go."

"Well, I don't know how long I'm working today. And I've got real estate stuff to do. I'm going to Campon Springs..." Blah blah blah.

I knew all that, and I was fine with it. The question about staying completely threw me because I didn't think that was an option. I was confused because the Sunday before he had warned me about having real estate stuff to do, and then he ended up keeping me around until 9:30 that night. That was my frame of reference. What he MEANT was, if I wasn't ready to go right then and there, I could hang out until I was ready to go, but he had shit to do when he got off work. I understood that later, but at the time, I was caught in a deer-in-the-headlights moment of, "that's an option?" lol

I told him I was good to go, and we could walk out together. So we did. He gave me a "It was fun last night. Thanks for stopping by. I'll call you later."

Thanks for stopping by?

I was so wooby all day long. First the bad dream. Then the no constant body contact while we're sleeping, then the weirdness when we were leaving. He did kiss me and he did wave at me. I realize in my highly rational mind that he was actually really pissed at T. He felt awkward about the whole staying question (he really doesn't like awkwardness that makes me feel bad or him feel bad for making me feel bad -- that's why I get the whole next day itinerary. lol) I'm taking something personal that isn't personal, not really.

What doesn't help me is that after the awkwardness, I generally need some reassurance. I sent him an e-mail that told him I had a fun night as well and that I enjoy when we cook together. It was a sort of, "I'm not upset at having to leave" damage control e-mail, if that makes sense. What upsets me is that he didn't respond to it, and he DIDN'T call me later. Of course, we didn't say what LATER means, but still, I asked him to call me later in my e-mail too.

What I've discovered is that Sunday's are incredibly hard for me. The whole saying good bye after so much domesticity and sharing intimate time (I'm not just referring to sex -- I mean the whole working together to make a good dinner, the sitting close on the couch, the conversations that pop up, bringing each other things from the kitchen or whatever). It's hard for me to go back to my life. I want to stay in that domestic time. I want to keep that feeling going with whatever little connection I can muster - e-mail, phone call, whatever.

It bothers me that we've never had the whole monogamy, girlfriend/boyfriend conversation. It bothers me that his profile is still up and that he gets on there regularly. It bothers me that I started my profile back up -- that it makes me weak or immature or broken somehow for doing that. It bothers me that I completely fall apart on Sunday afternoon (if I leave in the morning) or Monday morning if I leave in the evening. It bothers me that I'm writing about this.

What I KNOW is this:

Everytime I've asked for something or let him know it's important to me, he does it. Everytime.

He has not cancelled plans for getting together since that first time.

He listens to me. Even if he doesn't make a comment about it, he listens to me. Here's an example that's kind of embarrassing -- it falls under the too-much-information umbrella. One of the things I like to do sometimes is dirty talk. My problem is, I don't like to say the word pussy. It's just something that doesn't flow off my tongue. I told him that on Thursday when we were having our bestest time together so far. I told him that I prefer to call it my kittycat. I didn't ask that he call it that, just that I felt better calling it that. Well, on Saturday, he called it that.

This is all my b.s. ALL of it. I'm learning what kind of a guy E. is, and he's a good guy. He's not perfect. He has some serious worrisome "issues" that I have to think about. But, underneath it all, by his purposeful behavior, he has done nothing to support my idiotic jump-to-conclusion-worries. Nothing.

It's the unknowns that fuel some of my off-the-handle anxieties. I think they get diminished with each get-together, at least a miniscule amount. But I'm pretty broken inside. I don't know how to operate any differently and that saddens me. It also wears me out because I am trying soooo hard to be what I want to be -- a strong, healthy, self-sufficient entity. I'm getting there. There's just such a long way to go.

Anywhoooo...

Today is another day. It's much less wooby than yesterday. But there is the underlying SNS stirring around. The project that I thought I did so great on... Well, I didn't even get a thank you for getting it done (not only done, but CREATIVELY done). I didn't hear word one about it. Just my mistakes pointed out. I did get compliments on my hair and the usual -- wow, you look SOOOO different. (I never know how to take that. Do I look better? Cripes! Oh, E. liked it too -- and not in a way that made me wonder if he liked it better than my usual -- he has a way with that.) I got a couple pats on the back for an idea I had to bring in more revenue to the City.

Sigh.

I'm trying to focus on what I have in my life. I have working out with P. to look forward to. That's my milestone for tonight. I have the Seahawks game with E. on Sunday to look forward to in the distant future. (Do I even HAVE to mention that I have a nervous stomach that he'll back out like he did before?) I have a four-day weekend ahead of me. Friday is Veteran's day and then I'm taking Monday off as well.

Of course, if I want to be negative Nellie, I would point out that I have to meet with the Bankruptcy Trustee on Wednesday afternoon to review my finances and potentially get my monthly garnishment upped. I would rather spend the four day weekend on a road trip or two with E. -- a little mini-vacay if you will. That's not going to happen. Oh, and best of all, Monday I get to sit in the dentist's chair for two hours while the right side of my mouth gets drilled on. Joy.

Aren't you just SOOOOOO glad you asked. :-)

I'm a hurtin' unit, man. Sigh....

Subject: Seahawks are off the Schneid...

2005-11-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

Sun, 6 Nov 2005 16:43:50
To: E.
From: L.

The 0 - 6 after a Bye week schneid, that is! Whoohoo. :-)

Just a hiya note to say I hope you're having a good and productive day. How did it go at Campton Springs?

Last night was fun. I enjoy making dinner with you. Hee hee, and the bedroom antics were pretty freakin' hot.

Breakfast was yummy too. It fueled a good workout session. Did T. ever show up to the job site today?

Give me a call latah. Til then, muah, nibble, lick and chomp -- you may place them anywhere on your body you like. ;-)

Ciao for now...
L.

"Did You Hear Me Call Your Name?" Message Thread

2005-11-04T12:24:00.000-08:00

Fri, 4 Nov 2005 08:11:57
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Did You Hear Me Call Your Name?

Hey Luvva Luvva Man,

Hope you had a good night at work and that you enjoy your day off today.

Just saying hey and letting you know that it was your lips, your tongue, your fingers, your... that I was thinking about last night while touching myself.

Mmmmm

;-)

L.

Fri, 4 Nov 2005 12:24:27
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Did You Hear Me Call Your Name?

Thinking about you touching your self is sooooo hot.

It's got me touching myself.

Just got up ...need coffee!

MAUH

Subject: Happy Hump Day ;-)

2005-11-01T23:31:00.000-08:00

Tue, 1 Nov 2005 23:31:58
To: E.
From: L.

Ruh Roh... Bummer on missing the meeting. :-(

Damm dogs. I'll make a note to keep my barking to a minimum during naptime. I definitely don't want to get the stink eye!

Today was the type of day that would have been well-spent hiding under the covers, all spooned up and cozy.

Did you have fun with Kobe?

I just got done watching an I-N-T-E-N-S-E movie. It's called Crash. Dang, it was seriously heavy. I'm needing a little bit of light entertainment to whisk me off to happy dreams. And since I like to share my laughs, click on the link below. It'll give you a whole new perspective on turkey day. ;-)

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=382219626&m=1652&rr=y&sou

Hope you had a good night and catch some uninterrupted sleepytime today.

Think about me, and maybe I'll make an appearance in your dreams... ;-)

L.

"Testing... Testing..." Message Thread

2005-11-01T11:53:00.000-08:00

Sent: Tue 11/1/2005 11:07 AM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Testing… Testing…

Happy rainy Tuesday to you & I'm sorry I didn't write back to let you know that YES,
I did actually get both your emails and read them last night when I got home. I didn't answer because I had so much to say and didn't have the energy .. but then today is another day and I don't really remember what it was I wanted to say really : ..

But I remember I wanted to say that it sounded like you had a very nice time with E. and I'm really happy for you. I mean that and hope you know that ... despite being a little envious, it's all a good thing! Good to know you're giving it a chance, I'm proud of you.

My weekend didn't end up hardly how I envisioned it ... did go to dinner with J. Friday but that was a fly-by dinner. Sat I slept in until like 11, then went and got my nails & toes done and came home. Read a LOT on Sat which was good. Me & my Principessa with candles and a water chime softly chiming. It was good. I nixed the Hells Belles thing because I had to be at a meeting to chair on Sun at 8 and I didn't want to look hung over at that .. so I told K. I couldn't make it. I don't think she cared one way or the other, she's just as fine going to stuff by herself as with anyone - plus I think she can be as crazy as she wants to be if she's by herself. Honestly? I'm kinda worried about her, but I can't tell her how to live her life. Anyway Sunday was the chair meeting which was a great experience, and then I went to work to do payroll n'all that so I can take Thurs & Fri off this week -- my friend is getting married this weekend and I have to go. I think I need 2 days just to get ready for it. My friend A. is going over Fri too so, we are going to go together which is a Godsend to me. I was SOSOSOSOSO not looking forward to driving for 3.5 hours by myself. I am trying my very best to get a good attitude about it. A. says, sometimes you meet people at weddings -- and I suppose that's true but I highly doubt that's gonna happen at this one. And realistically, who cares bout that crap right now. I just need to get my head screwed back on straight, I don't need any craziness to throw that off!

That's what I got for right now, sorry it's not a ton but I am trying to get stuff done this AM to make sure I'm good to go by tomorrow afternoon. My car's at the shop getting an oil change and the tires rotated for the weekend and then tonight I think I'm going to Macy's to shop for something festive and pretty to wear. "Act as if" works sometimes and since it's B.'s wedding I'm willing to put a little work into it.

How are you doing today?

How's that rain treating you? :)

Sent: Tue 11/1/2005 11:53 AM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: Testing… Testing…

Hi, LS,

No worries on not responding right away. I was just questioning the City's internet connection. I seemed to be having alot of trouble trying to get to certain sites, like Hallmark.com for instance. I was going to send out a bunch of Halloween cards and was never able to access the site. :-(

Yay, I'm glad that you'll have company on the long ride to the wedding. A. seems like a fun guy and I'm sure you'll have some great conversation on the drive. And I'm liking your idea to go shopping for the poifect outfit. "Fake it 'til you make it" is totally in order right now. I'm sure you'll pick out something great. Take a picture if you get a chance. :-)

It also sounds like you listened to your inner-Linda and had a quiet weekend. I'll bet the T-dog was one happy principessa. lol I know my kitties are very clingy these days. They were starting to get back to their usual selves last week when I was home every night -- but the absence over the weekend has then becoming lap kitties again. I'm such a mean mommy! It is nice not to be taken for granted as the resident scratchpost/pooperscooper/food provider. ;-)

I'm doing pretty well today beyond being dead dog tired. For some reason I couldn't get myself off to bed last night. I was playing stupid word games on the computer. Pogo.com is a game site with all different kinds of games. I play this word game called Word Whomp Wackdown where you make words out of a jumble of letters -- the trick is that the letters have to be able to be connected in order to form the word. Can you spell D-O-R-K? ;-)

I'm happy to report that I'm experiencing a respite from the high-level anxiety of the past week. I don't know if this is a new trend or a temporary condition. Either way, I'm going to enjoy it for the moment of "normalcy" it seems to be.

I am very pleased to report that E. is actually making good on his "I'll try to do better." I did get an e-mail response to an e-mail I sent (sometimes I don't) and I also got a "Hiya" call on his way to work. It makes me feel good that he actually listened and cared enough to do something about it. He may not be a really expressive person (he's not gushy at all) but he definitely has his ways to show me that he cares and puts his work in too. I really appreciate that.

Thank you for being happy for me. I completely understand feeling envious. It's an honest feeling and understandable no matter how much you care for the person who's experiencing the envy-inducing circumstance. I appreciate your support. You're a very special person.

And don't write off weddings as a place to meet people, even male-type peoples. ;-) You never know who you are going to meet and where. So dressing in a spectacular new outfit will help that little boost of confident sexiness you'll radiate. This is a challenge. Just dial in to that competitive nature of yours and show the other ladies up. You sparkle all on your own. With a new outfit you love, your power will be unstoppable! Hoo-ahhh.

I'll miss you while you're gone. :-( But definitely enjoy your preparation days off.

Oh, and I almost forgot to address your rain question... I was sort of surprised that I was making pretty steady progress in my morning commute (especially after yesterday's commute from hell), until I hit Bellevue. Let's just say I have two points I want to make. First of all, to all the Department of Transportation dumb-ass planners, make truck routes that don't involve regular freeways and driving with regular commuters. Second, I completely abdicate being a member of the human race of morons who INSIST on looking at every car on the side of the road. Yes, I'm talking dumb-ass rubberneckers.

Although, I must admit, the sight of a very nice late model hopped up Mustang pointed the wrong way and halfway up the grassy knoll separating the northbound and southbound lanes of I-405 was kinda hard not to look at.

But still! ;-)

"Good M-o-r-n-i-n-g., Good Afternoon and Good Day" Message Thread

2005-11-01T11:21:00.000-08:00

Tue, 1 Nov 2005 08:08:06
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Good M-o-r-n-i-n-g., Good Afternoon and Good Day

Hey Superstud,

Hope your night went well and your day is even better!

Were you able to keep your eyes open at your sales meeting? :-)

Thinking about you...

Tue, 1 Nov 2005 11:21:47
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Good M-o-r-n-i-n-g., Good Afternoon and Good Day

Did not make it. : ( I can still feel the disappointment. I woke up at 6:50 after about a 20 minute nap. Got up, walked around laid back down.
I have sleep for a few hours ... Some MF'en dog was barking non-stop. I woke up walked out side. Stared at the dog, gave him the stink eye, have not heard him since.
I have a few things to do. Then back to napping!

BYe

Subject: hey L.

2005-10-31T20:50:00.000-08:00

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 20:50:54
To: L.
From: E.

How was work? How did your pumpkin do?

I got your email, that was nice thanks.

Getting ready for work. Took a lil nappiepoo.

bye

Subject: Dy-no-mite!

2005-10-30T22:28:00.000-08:00

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 22:28:26
To: E.
From: L.

As in, Good Times. Which is what I had this weekend. Sunday was like a mini-vacay for me. Thanks for the chill time. It was dy-no-mite.

Hope work went well for you.

Thinking about your warm body next to mine. mmmmm

Sweet dreams. Talk with you soon.

muuuuwahhhh

Subject: sex

2005-10-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 06:46:03

To: L.
From: E.

Hey I am working at the Kent Station today. I should be done around 3. If you want to cum around 5 that would be super. If it is raining we can go and see a movie or somethin.

I will call you or call me in the afternoon. I have to work tomorrow morning. If there is work. Then the construction company I am working for wants me to start working Sunday nite at 9:30 pm. It's gunna be like that for 2 weeks. We can talk more about that later.

I'm excited to cu. Taste you. Hold you. Rub your body with mine. Ooooo shit I'm getten hard thinking about your wetness.

Kisses

"Yo Yo Yo" Message Thread

2005-10-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 22:25:21
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Yo Yo Yo

Hola and TGIF,

Sending a little sunshine your way. Hope you have a fabulous day today.

I've been thinking on ya...

Think about me.

mucho kisses

L

P.S. if you whisper the magic words, I have a photo of myself in those black garters from the other night.

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 04:36:02
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Yo Yo Yo

O please O please O please!

That will give me something to think about when I play with myself.

Hope your day is great and I will cu tomorrow.

Kisses

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 07:43:01
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Re: Yo Yo Yo

Hmmmm, well, since I have a soft spot for early risers...

Enjoy, and I want to hear all about it tomorrow (or tonight by phone if you want to tease me...)

Have a great day!

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 16:30:22
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Yo Yo Yo

Holy shit, your hot!

I will call you email you later. I've got a few earends to run before 5.

Hope your day was nice!

Think about me ...

e.

"TGIF and all that hoopla..." Message Thread

2005-10-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

Sent: Fri 10/28/2005 12:03 PM
From: LKK
Subject: TGIF and all that hoopla...

Howdy-doo!

I am SOOOOOOOO glad it is Friday. This has been a draggy week. Not a whole lotta fun to go through (I know you can so relate). I hope you're feeling a little bit better today -- at least on the getting an ounce of sleep front.

I'm thinking that alot of my anxiety has been caused by the medication my doctor gave me last Friday to cure my cough. I can pretty much associate the change in nervousness since starting the Allegra and Nasonex. I'm all done with the Allegra and the Nasonex has one more day of sprays left. I am hoping that means that I will get back to some semblance of normalcy in the emotion department. That little drug interaction possibility just popped into my head last night.

I'm deciding that, sort of like the age-old dilemma of who came first, chicken or egg, that the anxiety was initially cause by the physical drug interactions and when triggered by emotions and questions arising from your experiences just swirled into an out-of-control, gotta-do-something, damn-E.-all-to-hell mountain when it should more rightly be a mole-hill of curiosity (about whether his feelings have changed about pursuing whatever it is we're pursuing.) I am now operating under the plan that everything is just as it's been between us until and if I hear differently when I talk with him on Saturday.

What-if's, speculations, attempts at motivations and mind reading are only feeding this underlying, exhausting anxiety that is taking a long time to diminish. I just feel sick most of the time. Nauseous. Dizzy. My appetite is suppressed (but you can believe I'm still eating -- I'm just not enjoying it as much). This is all wasted energy. That's my story and I'm sticking with it until I learn differently! :-)

Okay, my dear. What's going on for you?

Sent: Fri 10/28/2005 1:53 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: TGIF and all that hoopla...

Glad to hear from you & super glad you're in a better head space today.

I really, really don't want to have to share my Poor Me stage with you right now :-P

I'm glad you are going to go with a positive thinking method. Good for you girlfriend :)

I too am SO glad it's Friday. My weekend plans are changing around me, but I really don't care that much. The Wolfhaven thing is out the window – A.’s husband's mom's birthday dinner is that day and that will put us too late for them to do that so, they are cancelling on me. It's all good, but I did want to go. I think that this way I will be able to stay home and read -- I think I want to get into reading a bunch for awhile. Not watching TV because there's too much mush on there. Somehow reading mush doesn't upset me, but SEEING it really does. My eyes water like THAT and then I start to get upset. I guess I don't have that under control yet.

I have started listening to that other book on CD that I downloaded, Greg's newer book. I was mistaken, they don't read that book -- they have other people reading it. So it's not as good as the Pink one is, but the content is still very much the same and very good to listen to. Good tips, good suggestions & good reminders. I'm so, so glad to have these right now. Can't tell you how much it's done for me.

I put my personal ad back in the closet. I realized I didn't even WANT to do it, I was only putting it out there because G.'s was out there - but then when I did that, I started getting responses -- and I'm 100% not up for getting into anything even platonic with a new guy right now. Recovery makes perfect sense to me, I'm just not up for dating. G. makes for tough shoes to fill - I think I'll have to let this pain heal however it heals. Dunno how long it will take to feel better, but I don't think rebounding is fair to anyone. At least I don't think so today :) Might change my mind in the next week or two, who knows. Besides that you know what .. G. took his ad down. Isn't that interesting? I thought perhaps he was doing something to it, but it hasn't been up there all week. I suspect that means it's down. I'm working on not asking myself any stupid questions about WHY he's done that. It doesn't matter one way or another. He hasn't called and I haven't either. Each day that goes my re-enforces the fact that it's OVER, although of course I'm still holding out hope. Maybe he will call me over the weekend ... but like I said, each day makes it clearer so I'll just keep holding out for the next day, and see where it takes me. You know, I have to go to that god-awful wedding next weekend in Eastern WA. I got a jacuzzi room cuz I thought G was going with me .. so now it will cost me extra money AND I have to drive 4 hours by myself AND I have to attend by myself. I can't tell you how badly I'd take a root canal over this wedding bizness right now. I love B., and I know her wedding will be stunning .. and I'm happy for her, but I do not want to go. Boy do I not want to go. I'm going to try not to think about that until later next week. Still don't have a dress, guess I'll have to fix that this weekend somehow.

Anyway, there you have it. My update for now. I'm better, and yes I did get some sleep last night. Still super glad it's Friday, let me tell you!!

I'm ready to get outta here right now and it's only just about 2:00. What a long day this has been.

Sent: Fri 10/28/2005 2:06 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: TGIF and all that hoopla...

Only 2:00? dang, this is going to be a long afternoon.... What time are you leaving today?

My eyes are so heavy. I don't dare even take a sip of coffee the way my heart is dancing around in my chest. I hate that feeling of being all sleepy and heavy-faced, yet have my stomach in knots and my heart racing. If... I... could... just... put... my... head... down... Just for a sec...

Good for you for listening to yourself and taking your profile down. It would be so easy to be distracted with flirtations, etc. Sounds like that is not going to be good or fun for you right now... And isn't that what dating should aim to be? Not a drag on your conscience or self-esteem or humor. So good for you for respecting and loving the woman inside who needs some time to heal and face the world again with fresh eyes. :-)

That is definitely strange that G. took his profile down. I'm with you though. I don't want to speculate on the reasons why. If I were to quote my Buddha book at you, I would be saying that if your path is meant to be with him right now, circumstances will occur that make that possible (i.e. he calls you, you run into him, etc.) Something like that anyway. Sounds hokey. I say you go with the break-up book's suggestion that 60 days go by with no contact -- especially not any that you initiate. Are you down with that? Or are you at the decision regretting phase? You know, it's okay wherever you are in this process. It's only human to have that little bit of hope every time the phone rings. Especially if you want something badly. You're entitled.

Something else healthy that I see you doing is mixing up doing activities when you don't really want to do them, as well as relishing time spent doing something nice for yourself like reading. And I hear ya on the whole "seeing" mush as opposed to "reading" mush. Especially stay away from the Lifetime channel -- not a good one to view when you're in the healing process. It's like ripping a bandaid off a scab!

Geez, I'm sorry to hear the whole story about the wedding for next weekend. I don't think you ever told me all that you had planned or were looking forward to with that. It's good that you're not going to give it any extra angst this weekend. Deal with it next week. These things have a way of working themselves out somehow. It's weird, but they usually do.

I did something silly last night. I put my Hot or Not profile back up. Even if I go forward with the thought that nothing is wrong until I hear it is wrong. He's never taken his profile down and he's still using the site for some sort of entertainment, even if it isn't to meet anyone else. I'm bored and I miss the admiration. This is me being selfish. I wasn't going to say anything about it to you, but I would rather have things out in the open than feel like I'm slinking around doing "bad" things. :-) But, I assure you, I will follow my own advice to you up above, and as soon as it feels skanky, guilt-inducing or anything negative, down it goes. I don't want to appear TOO hypocritical. :-)

How did your dad's ct scan go yesterday?

Sent: Fri 10/28/2005 2:52 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: TGIF and all that hoopla...

You're so funny :)

Like I'm someone you should be worrying about judging you. Silly girl! You should know that no matter what you decide to do, I'm here for you FIRST in support, then in judgement - and only that when you ask me. It's YOUR life, and your decisions to make. No matter what I think, my opinion only belongs to me. And, for that matter, I don't think putting your ad back up is a bad thing. I am a little sensitive to him not taking his down either so hey, to hell with it. I guess to me, sex means something. Whether it's rolling in the sheets or really making love, it's supposed to mean something no matter what. When it means something to me, I don't think it's appropriate to be letting other people think I'm single. Because in my head and my heart, I'm not. I might not be in the throes of a deep relationship, but I don't sleep with more than one guy at a time (usually, anyway!! LOL) so that needs to be addressed before more BS can be heaped onto my already full plate.

Anyway, I'm just running at the mouth. Don't ask me what I'm trying to say LOLI think the karma Buddha thing you mentioned makes perfect and total sense. I think if we are supposed to be back together, we will be. For ME, personally, I will NOT call him. Not this week, not next, and not in 60 days. That's a big thing in the breakup book, especially for people who did the breaking up -- you do NOT get to call. So there's my excuse, I CAN'T. I'm not allowed. No matter how great I think he is, no matter how much I miss him .. I just CAN NOT do it. I will listen to these CD's until I turn purple, and complain and whine for as long as it takes. I have already entertained the idea of contacting him at Christmas time, but by then I suspect I will think differently so for now I am allowing myself some leeway. But I know me, and it will be up to him to make this happen unless I 100% by mistake ran into him at a store or something like that - which can't happen without help from above.

I will talk to him (gladly) if he calls, and yes I would see him again if he asked me. But those things have to come from his mouth or his fingers (ala email). Again, I do not see that happening.

My dad's CT scan, by the way (and thank you for remembering & asking!) went well. The cancer is almost totally gone, there is one place where there is a dark spot and they think it might even be scar tissue. They are going to do another PET scan (full body) to see if they can decipher what it is, then maybe possibly do radiation on that little place and follow up with a little bit of chemo. For now he's off the hook, he has some time off. He can go on trips, he can do whatever he feels well enough to do. They told him to ease back into things because he will still be tired, but that he's healthy for the most part and he should bounce back. Isn't that something ... you can be absolutely on death's door one day, and bouncing back to travelling again, just a few weeks later. I'm totally amazed and humbled by the experience, and it really gives me something to focus on when I get too into ME ME ME. It's just boys, it's not cancer. I am worth more than being upset, sad or disappointed. I am entitled to be happy. I deserve it. We all deserve it.

I'm not gonna stay too long today, there ain't much to do round here. I will probably leave around 4, I think that sounds like a nice time to go home. Get me out of too much traffic and home in time to take care of the Principessa and go meet J. for dinner. Earlier I meet J., the earlier I get to go to bed LOLOL

Sent: Fri 10/28/2005 3:04 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: TGIF and all that hoopla...

Thank you for re-iterating what I already knew about how you approach my confession. :-) I already knew that, but it's nice to hear. And I do rely on you for some checks and balances. Just like I can't help but throw my two cents into the mix. hee hee

That is such fabulous news about your dad. I remember when things just looked so bleak. And look at how it worked out. That is so so cool. I am sure that has to be a major relief on his part as well as for you and S. Did he ever get over his crabbies and making himself hard to tolerate? :-) Fear and anxiety do some particularly strange things to people. You can just never predict.

Sounds like a good idea to get out of there early. I wish I could too, but I'll hang in. I have some things to work on, I'm just not all that hyped about them. :-)

I hope you have a great weekend! You've got some fun things planned as well as lay-low stuff. Sounds like a pretty dang good mix. Wish me luck with E. tomorrow. I'm going to ask him for some things that I want. Last week he was so good about warning me that he would be out of touch that this week came as a shock. As did not spending a weekday evening together. It's not always easy for me to be upfront with what I want when it is truly important. The little stuff rarely bothers me to ask for. This may be just little stuff in his eyes -- that's the whole confusing/frustrating/exciting/revealing part of unravelling the layers of someone. :-)

Okay, you have a terrific weekend and give me a call if you want. Except for Saturday evening, I should be around.

Kisses and hugs!

Sent: Fri 10/28/2005 3:12 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: TGIF and all that hoopla...

You always have my love & support, and I do wish you luck on Saturday expressing yourself. Remember, it's just fear (sounds easy to say I know -- but remember I just walked thru a bunch of it so I dang well know what it is!!) and it's better not to have wasted any more time being unhappy than you already have. If there is something you're wanting or missing, then you have to say it. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to him. Besides like you said, you just can't predict how things will go.

Good luck darlin. I love you :)

"FW: National Girlfriend Week" Message Post

2005-10-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

Sent: Thu 10/27/05 3:30 PM
To: LS
Subject: RE: FW: National Girlfriend Week

Mad today.

I am still not sleeping and so I'm getting really, really cranky.

Hate it.

How are you?

Tell me something good.

Sent: Thu 10/27/05 3:45 PM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: FW: National Girlfriend Week

Geez, I wish I could. I am uber-pissed myself. The irritation's been escalating each day until today I've reached a 3 on my irritation scale that goes from 0 (not irritated, to 1 (mild), 2 (moderate) and 3 (severe). I have to keep track of certain elements of mood to create a mood chart to track my bi-polar episodes. Each day this week the anxiety and irritation scale has been climbing until I'm at 3's.

I was in a pretty great mood Monday, until I hit that squirrel driving in to work from my head doc's appt. Then from there it's gone steadily downhill. E.'s been pretty incommunicado, work's been kinda hit and miss and I've just been feeling pretty disconnected from things. The anxious thoughts have become obsessional until I just want someone to take me out back and shoot me to put me out of my misery.

At least I've been sleeping though. Although my dreams have been whack! Lots of action and arguing and such. I can't tell you exactly what they've been -- just know that they haven't been restful at all. Still, I am thankful that I've at least gotten some sleep. I feel better while I'm working out -- so that's good. But not too long after I go right back to where I started from.

Sorry I can't be more of a ray of sunshine. This is just truly where I'm at right now. Some of it has to do with E., I'll be honest about that. But alot of it feels just totally out of control and I've struggled to put my finger on just what's causing the unrest. It's easy to point to worries about whether I'm going to need to do what you did with G. I may have to -- but I hesitate, 'cause this could just be part of my "affliction." And when I'm afflicted, I search out the easiest target.

Yes, he hasn't been that tuned in to our "whatever-you-want-to-call-it" like he's been previously. He has been in touch via e-mail -- but our single phone conversation for the week last night was pretty one-sided (him rambling about work stuff). I finally asked him when I was going to see him. He suddenly realized it was already going to be Thursday, and, geez, where did the week go so fast? Bottom line we're supposed to "hang out" on Saturday down at his place, have a bbq and maybe play some tennis.

Now the rational, intelligent, and confident, non-bi-polar part of me recognizes that we all have good weeks and bad weeks. Because I'm having a bad week, I'm needing him to be his up-to-now, wanting-to-see-me, self. While in reality, he's in stressed-out, mishap la-la-land.

So I'm struggling with being patient with myself. I'm struggling with being patient about the development or falling-apart of this relationship. I'm struggling to find that one-day-at-a-time mentality that has kept me healthy for the last couple of months. Mostly, I'm struggling with just surving day by day.

What I've discovered is that I'm not the most suicidal when I'm depressed, it's when I'm pissed off that I wouldn't mind biting the big one.

So, my dear, I totally understand you feeling cranky times 10. I hope that you can find your "sleep ability" again. Sleep deprivation in no way prepares you to face the world from a clean perspective, that's for sure.

Hmm, so what's good that we can focus on? What are all these great activities you have planned for the weekend?

I'm looking forward to my workout with P. tomorrow night and a dose of Kung Pao squid. Right now my stomach is so bloated from all the great food we had at our Quarterly Birthday Potluck that I'm about to burst! But I still can picture my Kung Pao Squid night as a good thing. :-)

I'm not really looking forward to Saturday -- but that's mostly because my feelings have been hurt -- and I'm in retreat mode. I've got a delicious menu planned for what I'm going to bring. I am going to get some good steaks at QFC for E. to grill, a big slew of mushrooms that I'll shake in a bag with olive oil and garlic to broil, and then one of those Caesar Salads in a bag that I'll get some shrimp to add on. Sound good? Do I need any bread or anything do you think?

I figure I'll focus on the food -- not the seduction, 'cause I honestly don't know if I'll be interested in that. Right now I'm not. I want to be sure within myself that I'm being true to me with that feeling -- and not doing the whole withholding as a punishment. Time will tell.

Hmmmm... need to wrap up with something funny.... something good....

Tell you what, my dad sent me one of these videos. I don't know if you've ever heard of the "Fruitcake Lady" -- but apparently she's a recurring visitor on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. If you want a good laugh, go to the following site and watch a few of her videos. :-) http://humor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The%5FTonight%5FShow%5Fwith%5FJay%5FLeno/fruitcake%5Flady/

Sorry for the vent session. This doo-doo has been swirling around in my head for a few days now. I'm getting really exhausted with it. I almost punched my dentist yesterday I was so irritated with all the scraping the hygienist did, and the fact that they have to keep poking at places I've ALREADY told them are sensitive. What's up with that?!?!? And my dentist is actually a hottie!

Okay, I'm done. ;-)

Your turn!

Sent: Thu 10/27/2005 4:21 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: FW: National Girlfriend Week

Dang, girl, all I can say is EWWE ...

I am sorry you've got angst. Don't I know the muck that feels like. Smells like. "Is it okay or is it not?" messages from my brain were like poison. I'm sorry you've caught it. I'd say you're thinking about it because I was, and because you were listening to me vent and going - hey, E. does that sometimes too! - and letting your brain grab onto that crap for your own. It may be yours to have, or it may not be -- so I suggest giving yourself this weekend to test for yourself how things are going between YOU TWO. Not between me, you and E:)

Your menu ideas for Saturday sound great, and yes I'd worry about a little bitta bread. But that's between you two - if you're both not very bread people I'd say don't worry about it.

Tonight I have a pizza meeting at my treatment center. We do it every 8 weeks or so. I am the main honcho, I have to sit up in front of the room and kind of moderate. Pay attention. Look pleasant. Pay attention. Smile. I don't want to go, can you tell?

Tomorrow night I'm making up dinner with my friend J. We're going to Mexican pretty close to my house. I was going to meet her Tuesday but then after my Monday night drama I was in no shape for that so I cancelled on her. We are rescheduled and I asked if it could be just a quick dinner to catch up, hug up and say Hi. She was cool with that. I really feel like I need to be away from people right now. Everyone keeps trying to make me feel better but all that sympathy does is make me cry!! I need the levy to get a little stronger cuz the dam is chuckablock full still.

Sat I am going to go to the gym (!!! I know your eyebrows went up!) and get my nails done. Sat night, Hell's Belles is playing in Seattle with an Aerosmith cover band. Should be good, mean music to work out some frustration to. I'm going with K. so far, and I hope she doesn't wuss out. I really want to go to that.

Sunday morning I've been asked to share my alcohol story at a speaker's meeting (meaning, I speak for half the frickin meeting!! I have not yet ever done that in a meeting) and I've agreed to do that. I'm scared and I don't want to go but saying No just isn't a good thing to do in AA. People need people to make it work. I'm not more important than them so I need to go. I'm freaked.

Sunday afternoon if it is not raining, A. & I are taking her kids down to Tenino to go see this Halloween thing they have going on at Wolfhaven. Sounds like a carnival almost, and it's a costume party so we're all dressing up. I hope I am better prepared by then -- that will suck if I'm still in a bad mood. Maybe it will rain and I won't have to deal with it (listen to me!)

There you go Missy. That's all I got to share today. I'm packing up and headed to the post office to drop stuff off then home .. my dad's CT scan was today around 2:30 and he met with the doc at 3 so I'm kind of hoping he'll call me & give me the update but, I'm sure he'll wait until he gets home and then call. He was worried about it, so I was too. Hope it's workable news.

I hope you have a better evening, try to think good things and happy thoughts without gagging LOL .. Raindrops on Roses and all that grand BS :D

We'll make a big effort to be HAPPY tomorrow, ok??? :) I've had it with this dragging around glum stuff. Really. I'm ready to be done with it.

Wish my heart and my head would get with the program!!!

Gnite darlin

Hugs!

"jus' checkin in" Message Thread

2005-10-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

Sent: Wed 10/26/2005 11:50 AM
From: LS
Subject: jus' checkin in

Hello there,

I went home at noon yesterday and did the poor me on the couch bit all day and far into the night. Watched the World Series and then couldn't sleep until I think, 3? Anyway, I did manage to get up and get showered and out the door this morning, and I am here. A. and I are going to get lunch from the teriyaki joint so I'm looking forward to that. Nothing like some teriyaki to chase away the blues :) actually, I think it's the rice, to be honest .. from my childhood I think it makes me feel comforted. But hey they say carbs in general are comforting and I'm all over that too. Any excuse to have a carb.

I do feel better today, obviously. Bad humor is better than none. I still hurt, and in some ways more so - but along the lines of bitter and mad today than sad and emotional. My ego is having a great time being pissed off that G. doesn't want me as much as I want him and that he isn't calling me to apologize and beg for me to give him another chance. Honestly, he's not at all that type of guy - but my ego thinks he should do it anyway. I don't expect him to call me (if he did it wouldn't be anytime soon) but of course I keep hoping every second that he will. I am better today than yesterday, and I think tomorrow I will be a little bit better than today. I have gotten over other broken hearts and broken relationships, and I will work thru this one too. I miss him, and I want things to be different, but unfortunately we just don't always get what we want. It's not a life-threatening situation. It doesn't have to be a drama. I will live thru it. These are the things I keep telling myself, and I think with a little Divine inspiration I am starting to feel like I believe it.

Anyway, just wanted to say hello and reach out for a bit. I know you're sad for me and that you're there if I need you, and I love you for it and thank you for it. I just don't know what to say about it other than the same speech I have had to say time & time again. Boy oh boy listening to the Pink Book on CD is an amazing tool. Thank God. It saved my life I think when I read it, and it's saving my life again. I will copy them for you so you can have it too. You will be shocked at how different it is to hear someone say those things to you out loud. Well, really, maybe you won't be, because things are good for you & Terbie ma man :) I'm so glad for you. I hope you've made time to get together this week and that you are plotting your next seductive outfit to woo him senseless!

I might be more normal tomorrow, but I bet by Friday I will be for sure. I have things I have to show up for this week, so I need to be operational soon.

Hope you are enjoying your Wednesday and if you feel like dashing a note, please do.

XOXOL

Sent: Wed 10/26/2005 1:45 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: jus' checkin in

Hey there,

Thanks for letting me know how you're doing. I'm glad you're having moments of brightness (teriyaki therapy sounds pretty good to me!) mixed in with the boo-hoo-blues. Just remember, you're entitled to the blues. You have to go through a period of mourning. Hopes that didn't materialize and the end of, at the very least, a friendship. It sounds like you're doing good stuff for yourself. I'm glad for that.

And I know exactly what you're saying about the wanting him to call. To beg to be taken back. Given another chance... Those feelings are okay too. You liked him alot -- it's hard to just turn those feelings off, even if you're the breaker-upper. You can expect yourself to be jumpy and looking at your phone often. Checking e-mail. Looking at your instant messenger (if he used that). It's natural. And, as you're finding, it gets a little less all-encompassing every day. You might go along great for a few days and then, whammo, something triggers all these feelings again. I know you know all this. I just want to remind you that it's normal. The grieving process isn't an overnight thing.

The key is, you're doing great things for yourself. Try to be gentle with yourself. And if you possibly can, go to the gym. It may be the last thing you want to do. It may feel impossible to muster the strength and energy to go. But do it. The carb monster will do its all-powerful best to make you feel bad about yourself -- like you're making yourself feel purposefully bad about yourself if you should gain a few pounds. Not only that, but if you remember Greg and Amira talking about what to do after a break-up.... It's not just me, the exercise nazi, preaching at you. :-)

I think hearing the words out loud is good for anyone, whether they're in a "good" relationship or not. E. and I are still so new, even after 2 months, that we're still trying to figure things out. Pink Book words help keep things in perspective. So far we don't have any plans this week. We haven't spoken on the phone yet -- but I've left messages and he's left e-mails. lol It does have me a little nuts, to be quite frank, but I'm also trying to keep a realistic perspective on the whole thing. It's not easy when the gremlins start up, but I'd doing my best to actually "be with" the unrest rather than running from it entirely. Somehow I think that being with those anxieties will eventually drain them of their power.

Thank you for the good thoughts while you're feeling so blue. I appreciate your support and love, you're a treasure!

Sent: Wed 10/26/2005 3:03 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: jus' checkin in

You're such a good strong support for me :)

Thanks for all the good stuff you sent my way.

I hope you guys figure your plans out! I hate for you to be rattled about it. I can relate.
I am somewhat grateful to have a lot going on the rest of my week, so at least I can't just
stay home & isolate although truth be told, it's everything I want to do. I want to stay home
on the couch with my remote in one hand and the phone next to me waiting for the call. The
one I would bet money ain't never coming. It will sink in eventually. I'm too jaded to think it will be any different this time. In the scheme of things I'll take jaded.

Isn't it funny how when you're upset in any way the iPod gods always know what kind of music you most don't need to be hearing ... LOL .. right now, my iTunes is playing Joan Jett's "I hate myself for loving you" and the irony is just too much.
Okay back to the pile on my desk. It's 3:00 and I know I can make it thru this long day!
Talk to you tomorrow probably .. hugs, darlin!

Subject: mornin sunshine

2005-10-26T05:30:00.000-07:00

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 05:30:06

To: L.
From: E.

wanted you to know I was thinking about you!

have a great day!

e

Subject: Hey

2005-10-25T20:43:00.000-07:00

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 20:43:02

To: L.
From: E.

Hi L., hope your day was good. I was thinking about you ... I was on the couch, kinda touchen myself.

There is a break in the game. I am going to bed early tonight. I was up late yesterday or last night. The kitchen sink flooded. Not so good..

Call me tomorrow or I'll call you.

kisseskisseskisses .....e

"hi" Message Thread

2005-10-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 06:40:35
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: hi

Just getting ready for work ......... I don't wanna go!

I'll call you when I get done. I'm thinking I'm Gunna need a nap before hand.

kisses

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 10:14:16
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Re: hi

Oooh, baby, I don't blame you. 6:40 is for sleeping or snuggling or sumpin' else...

Just let me know what you need. Nap... snacks... blow job...

Oops, did I just type that?

Forgive me, I'm all silly this morning.

Thank you for the heads up and I'll be listening for your call.

muuuuu-waaah

"Happy Friday Girl :)" Message Thread

2005-10-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

Sent: Fri 10/21/05 7:59 AM
From: LS
Subject: Happy Friday Girl :)

Good morning to you & TGIF as well!

I hope you & Eric had a great time last night. I indeed was sending you love and happiness so I hope y'all caught it, and laughed a lot!

Man oh man am I glad it's Friday. This has been a long week. I have not slept well and have had so much on my mind between G., my sponsor, Greg B. (from last Fri) and everything else that found its way into my head. I'm exhausted. I am getting my hair colored and trimmed tomorrow though, and I am looking OH so forward to that!! So is T-dog for that matter LOL although I highly doubt she's looking forward to it. In fact I didn't tell her yet. She's gonna find out soon enough. I'm gonna ask J. (my hair girl) to tone down the red stuff and let's go more dark brown all over this time. There's a lot of funky faded-out reds and weird browns coming thru and they all need to be unified I think.

So. Last night I left work at 4 and went home early. G. called around 4:30, he knew I was having a heckofa day (I'd told him already) and he asked me what I was doing for dinner, which of course nothing, and he asked me over so I went. I expected a quickie dinner and a kick out the door so he could study or whatever but he didn't do that. Dinner was nice (as always), we had a kind of italian chicken dish with broccoli and chocolate brownie with ice cream (God bless his sweet tooth!). We watch Survivor and the Apprentice, he did laundry and I did the dishes, and we had couch sex which surprisingly was fun yesterday LOL so, when I came home around 10 it was a very full evening and we got along well. He even asked me what my plans for tonight were, but he didn't go into WHY he was asking. I know the people at Morton's are re-vamping all the pictures they have up on their walls and they've asked some current regulars to pose for pictures, so of course they asked G. The photo shoot (and I'm sure the follow-up drinks) is tonight as far as I know. I couldn't imagine he'd ask me to go with him to that. I was thinking I'd ask my friend J. who I haven't seen in awhile to go to dinner with me tonight and turn my phone off so that G. can't call me when he's all buzzed and warm- fuzzy asking me to come over and spend the night. I don't feel like bootie call girl today.

I got a message in my personals box from a guy who had emailed me before saying that he'd never heard back from me the last time and wondered if I'd reconsider .. I told him I'd answered his note & never heard back from HIM, but he swears he would have answered it if he'd gotten something .. anyway I told him I wouldn't be up for anything fast-paced right now, that email and phone calls are really all I would be up for at least for awhile, and he said he was all about that as well. He's 46 and lives in Mukilteo. Not exactly the 7-minute commute to G.'s but hey you can't have everything, I guess, huh? ... anyway, I guess I'm going to have to rally if I'm going to play the personals game again. My hearts just not in it yet, I guess. I know I should probably not be doing it but I figure if I can't handle it I can always just turn my "not accepting emails right now" on in my Inbox and stop whenever I want to without pulling the ad. My mean little girl wants G. to know it's out there and feel the sting of it. Then again, even if he knows he may not even feel anything. Maybe that's just a sensitive girl thing.

I wanted to touch base and let you know that although I feel like someone just poured some vinegar in my blood, I am not all that emotional about it right now. "Oh well" attitude for now is what's taking place. We shall see how it plays out. For now, I feel angry for some reason, like I'm being cheated somehow by having invested my feelings and having G. not accept them on my terms. Very very selfish behavior, I know -- exactly what my sponsor told me to quit. But that's going to be the bottom line I think, every time, that he & I really don't seem to be looking for the same things, no matter how we each candy coat it. That damn wedding he's supposed to be going to with me is Nov 4-5 which is coming up and I have no idea if he's still going to go with me or not. I'm scared either way -- it's a 3.5 hour drive one way and I don't know how I'll make it thru the weekend no matter whether we are getting along or not. I almost want to address it now and just tell him he doesn't have to worrry about going, but I know he'll take that in the worst way and I am not so up for all that drama right now, either. I think I really need this weekend to chill and soak in the feelings that are bubbling over. I gotta work at not lashing out and not acting out, I think .. I definitely feel the push to do something stupid just to avoid feeling this way. I am going to find some meetings for the weekend and do some ME stuff, and try to get good sleep. I think that would be what my sponsor would tell me to do, and yeah I should just call & talk to her about it all but I know her patience with me & my boyfriend behavior is not so good most of the time.

What do you think? Also, by the way, I am fully expecting some details about last night's show and time spent. How was the outfit and how big did he smile when he saw you in that skirt? :)

Sent: Fri 10/21/05 3:19 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: Happy Friday Girl :)

Hey there!

Sorry to take so long to get back to you. This morning was my adventure in modern health care. :-) And I didn't get to work until 12:30 (I was supposed to be here by around 11:30). But I experienced many delays at the doctor's office this morning.

At 9:50 I had an appointment to do a fasting blood draw. I was a good girl and arrived 10 minutes early. So, except for an apple at 10:30, I hadn't eaten anything since 6:30 when I had a s-m-a-l-l dinner with E.. I repeat small (for me). One side order chimichanga. Not even the chimi meal. I wasn't that hungry, but I also wasn't interested in the gas and bloat that accompany mexican rice and refried beans! :-)

Well, at about 10:20 they finally call me in for the blood draw. Not too big of a deal, just two tubes of blood. I think what they're testing is cholesterol and glucose/triglycerides. This takes until about 10:26 when I excitedly think I only have 4 minutes to wait for my doctor's appointment at 10:30. WRONGO. 10:55 I get called back into the room. Go through all the "what are you in for's" and "the doctor will be right with you's." 20 minutes later -- all of which were spent with one of those stupid paper drapes over my lower half because I'm going to get a pelvic -- the doctor comes in. She's really cool, so I'm not complaining about her service. She's very thorough and compassionate and I think that's what puts her way behind getting to patients.

So this exam and questions and tests and all takes until about 11:40. I leave the office knowing I don't suffer from a yeasty-beasty, and armed with allergy medicine (allevert) and nasal steroid spray to address the post nasal drip that is causing (we think) my cough that refuses to go away. If nothing gets better by next week, then I need to go back in. Of course my biggest hypochondriac worry is lung cancer (since this is pretty much how my mom's started), but I know that I am totally overreacting. But this is where I congratulate Dr. P. on her compassion and bedside manner. She didn't make me feel like an idiot. She told me reasons why she didn't think that lung cancer was even in the forecast and even explained how, way back when, my mom's cancer (originally diagnosed as pneumonia) was mis-diagnosed the first time.

Long story short, it wasn't until noon that I was able to get my first bite of food in my body. Oh, and I have sore and achy arms where I got my hepatitis A & B boosters.

I'm just getting around to taking care of e-mails, and that's why I'm not writing until now. Phew! :-)

My evening with E. was a blast. The comedians were so funny. There was the warm-up guy, Daniel Levy, who also played host -- introducing the two other comics. The 2nd comic was a guy named Mike Birbiglia (I know how to spell it because he did this whole schpeel on telemarketers and their difficulty in pronouncing his name). I forgot that he was going to be there last night. He is a hoot! I actually enjoyed him better than Greg Giraldo, who I went there to see. Giraldo was pretty intense and political and angry about women. I don't remember that from his previous gigs, so I was a little let down there -- but he was still funny as hell. I think I liked Birbiglia better because he was very self-deprecating and that was hilarious.

E. enjoyed himself alot. We found some different things funny, but there was much laughter to go around. He has a great laugh -- I don't hear it very often because he's more of a smiler than a laugher. It's really rich and deep laughter, so I was liking that. He liked my external outfit alot, but my underneath outfit a WHOLE lot. He couldn't stop staring. That was pretty cool. I felt sexy wearing it all day, and I was definitely rewarded for my effort with his looks and compliments and other things... :-)

I had packed my stuff "just in case" I stayed overnight at his place. I let him know that I had that stuff in the car, but it certainly didn't imply that I was expecting to do a sleep over. I just wanted him to know, so he could think about it and decide after the show. He said he would think about it -- which wasn't the DREAM response I wanted, but was certainly the response I expected, if you know what I mean. While we were waiting for the show to start, I was doing my little detective work to see if he was going to take C. out to view homes or if he was going to the Rocky-D's party at T’s house on Saturday with me. So I say, "Have you set up another date to go out with C.?"

And he says, "I e-mailed her some properties and told her I wouldn't be able to take her out until Sunday night if she wanted to act on them. And that when I come up with stuff she has any interest in, she better be able to go out right then or she'll lose them."

And I say, "So does that mean you're coming to the party with me." Knowing that if that is the case, he has actually worked his whole schedule out so that he will be able to go with me. That's pretty big.

He said yes. I think he liked how excited I got. We did a little of the "how long will we stay" dance, and I told him I'd try not to stay past him getting bored because of the team meeting. I explained I had to be there because I'm the treasurer, and he thought about it a moment and said that he was sure that there would be other people there to talk to. I told him, yeah, it would be all the wives and girlfriends... Would he be able to handle that? LOL He was all over that.

And he did ask me to stay over, although he warned me he probably wouldn't be able to stay awake for long. Of course, that changed once he saw the underneath outfit. lol I had warned him that everything would have to be reallly gentle if we did anything because of the pelvic exam the next day. I have to tell you, LS, that was some of the best sumpin-sumpin' I have ever had. No joke. It was pretty amazing. And so nice to sleep with him after -- so relaxed and warm and close. I had a lot of trouble coughing last night, because I was sleeping flat (I sleep more upright at home because of the coughing.) He would wake up a couple of times and ask me if I was sleeping ok. When I told him I was worried my coughing was keeping him awake, he told me not to worry about him. He was just fine. So I slept alot better after that. I did keep waking up, because I still haven't discovered how to sleep soundly with him yet. But it was so nice.
Particularly since he didn't have to work in the morning (he's doing an afternoon/evening job today) and I didn't have to be at the doctor's until 9:50 (and not expected at work until after). So it was much more relaxed. And kind of funny when I was getting up before him -- which was a first! He did get up right after I did, and it was hilarious that I partook of my morning ritual (listening to Mitch in the Morning on KJR Sports) while getting ready, and he brewed up a pot of coffee while he watched ESPN to get his sports info.

So VERY long novel short, I had a fabulous evening. There were a few rough patches at dinner on my side (I had some sort of anxiety attack on the way to meeting him at the restaurant) so it took me awhile to connect. He always gets so quiet when I talk about my stuff. I feel like he's bored or just wants me to get through with the story. Every time I make some kind of comment at the end of one of my long-winded stories I end with a "blah blah blah" like I've been talking to much. And he always says something like I'm not talking too much. I don't know if he's just being polite or a good listener. He makes eye contact and such, but doesn't really say anything. But then, I think I say too much -- I always feel like I need to make some sort of acknowledging comment or ask a question or make an empathetic statement. I think that's just the difference in our communication styles.

He's either coming over to my place at 4:30 tomorrow to watch the first World Series game before the party, or he'll come up right before we leave for the party. It just depends on whether he works in the morning or not and needs a nap before the party -- especially since he'll be working into the night tonight. Because we keep each other in the loop with plans for the day (he's getting good at that as he gets to know me better), it makes it so much easier to know what to expect. I know I'm getting him for the party and if he comes over for the game it will be a bonus. Either way, the earliest he'll be there is 4:30 and I am able to plan out my day that way. Does that make sense?

This is already a huge e-mail and we haven't even gotten to you yet! lol

I think it's great that you've got your hair appointment to look forward to. That is always exciting. :-) You'll have to take a picture and send it to me of the changes. Hopefully we'll see each other soon, so I won't just have to see your new do via photo.

What I think is an even BETTER idea is to go out to dinner tonight and leave your phone off. As your breakup buddy (even if it's not a breakup), I recommend you leave that phone off. Live this weekend for you. You've got lots of you-stuff planned and that is perfect. Meetings are good. Lunches with friends are good. Soaking in a tub with a good book is good. Taking a walk outside where it feels like summer but smells like fall is a great idea. :-)

You have a great photo on your Yahoo Personals profile, by the way. Very flattering! Even if you just flirt and chat a little, it's good for your ego and it's fun. And as long as it feels fun for you, then do it. If you start feeling guilt, or sad or whatever, stop right away. Life is too short. And even though you can expect to have unpleasant situations in life, if you have control over what you do to that contributes to you feeling bad, then get out. Stop. Cease. Desist.

Now, as you know, it's not that easy for me either. It took me awhile to take that last cease and desist step -- and look what kind of turmoil I brought on myself. I think that each time I do that, the turmoil gets a little less.

The key issue here, whether it's with G. or anyone else, is what do you, LS, want in a relationship? Write it down. LS's expectation list. Be specific -- generalities leave too many loopholes and allow more room for disappointment and hurt feelings. For instance:

1. I expect to spend 3 nights a week with my significant other.
2. I expect to stay in daily contact with my significant other, whether by phone or e-mail.
3. My significant other will not call me while intoxicated.
4. My significant other will not visit bars or parties X #of days a week.
5. My significant other will not just like dogs, but like MY dog.

And on and on. The key here is specificity. This is about you and what you want.

Now, about the wedding. Do you have evidence of prior occasions where G. has forgotten specific plans? Plans that actually involved a calendar date and location? Not just non-specific get together plans? If so, then you can entertain the thought that he might have forgotten this occasion. Otherwise, he shows quite a bit of evidence in remembering specific, date-centric plans -- and not just because they are with "the guys." :-) I hope I don't sound harsh. I don't mean to.

If you don't want to continue with G., cancel the wedding plans. This is about you. And what you want deep down inside. Not the hurt little girl who wants to slash out and make him hurt too. Show me how much you care, dammit!

LS, he does. He really really does. I'm not saying this to blow smoke or give you false hope. His guy friends are not more important than you are. They are just friends and it's actually very good that you both have outside friends and spend time apart from each other. It makes the time that you spend together so much better because you both choose to be there, not because you need to be there. He calls you every day. He makes dinner for you. He asks about your friends. He asks about your plans. He talks to you about tough, dramatic stuff when he could just choose to say, "this is too much work for me. I quit."

He doesn't do that. He makes an effort to change and be sweet and loving and be what you want him to be.

The question isn't whether he likes you enough or not. He likes you. He wants to be with you. Those are the facts as I see them. Remember this is my perspective garnered from all that you've told me. I haven't been there with you.

The Question is this... Where does G. fall on LS's list of expectations? He's a nice guy. Granted. But is he "your" guy? Decide what on that list of expectations are the deal breakers. Share the list with him if you are into him enough, so that he has the opportunity to decide to modify his behavior to meet the expectations. If you're not that into him, or he chooses not to work within the deal breakers, then it will be decision time.

Geez, this is so much stuff to write in an e-mail. And I hope that it's coming across with honesty and tempered with the good feelings I have for you. I just want you to be happy and not beat yourself up about this. I think the first bit of work you have to do is to compile that list. Maybe seeing it in writing will sharpen up the edges here. I believe that alot of the drama and discomfort you feel comes from having edges that just blur into unknown.

You are the center of this universe. You are the goddess here. As God to give you guidance if that will help you. Break out the pink book again for a sec. I think there's something in there about the expectation list. The key is specificity.

I love you, LS!

Sent: Fri 10/21/05 4:16 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Happy Friday Girl :)

Wowwwwwie you've gotta have some seriously tired fingers after this one!

And you've sent some long ones, but I think this one is a record :)

I loved it.

I'm SO SO glad you two are gelling!!Damn that just makes my toes curl, I'm so happy about it. It does sound very sweet and like he's come around towards you as you've gone around towards him. That is so great, LKK. I hope you have another great day tomorrow and congrats on the positivity. You are totally blowing my mind with it, mostly the consistency ... and I think it's amazing and awesome. I'm almost catching it ;-)

I read what you said about G. and I'm going to chew it over. I don't know how long it takes a person to figure out whether you're worth at least as much as the guy friends who change plans all the time .. the ones that schedule their times with him because of the constraints of their own girlfriends .. and why I'm not invited, still. I know he cares about me, I really do. But you know I care for a lot of people I'm not DATING, and perhaps like you said he's just not MY guy. I just don't know. Time will tell and all that crap. Blah, blah, blah (using your Monday morning material).

I am going to get out of here in a bit, I took a very short lunch today and decided I don't have to stay here and play on the computer when I can go home and play at my house. I can promise you, I will not answer the phone if he calls me after 8 or so. And he can just worry his little tush off about it ~ I think it's about time he show some respect. I'm not getting paid for it so for cryin out loud he could at least be respectful.

That sounds bitter, doesn't it. I'm not really that bitter, but it's really that vinegar thing and the anger I feel. Okay so I'm bitter LOL ... but so what. Not like I'm going to go postal or anything, or cry or break anything -- not feeling that way at all.

I do hope you guys have fun tomorrow, and I hope you have a great weekend. I'm thinking of you and thank you for all your words of support and love. I love you, too :)

Talk Monday!

"It's almost Friday!!!!" Message Thread

2005-10-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

Sent: Wed 10/20/05 11:18 AM
From: LKK
Subject: It’s almost Friday!!!!

So...... I'm anxious to hear how it went for you last night....

I ended up wearing something different today than what I showed you. I have this really funky white top (that my dad got me for Christmas) with the head of a Las Vegas Showgirl in shades of grey (except for her hot pink lips) on the front, sleeves and back of the shirt. It sort of has those bell sleeves at the cuffs. Then I have this black, above the knee (but demurely) Kenneth Cole skirt on that has a little slit in the front. I have shiny black boots on of course (Aerosoles, so they are comfortable as hell) and underneath.... Well, let's just say that I do not know how our female predecessors in the 30's, 40's and 50's dealt with garters and stockings every day. Gooooood lord!

So that's the wardrobe, cause I know you'd be wanting such a detail. :-)

I was reading my latest "Buddha" book called, "If the Buddha Got Stuck," and I sooooo thought of you (and me too) and all that your sponsor has left you to think about and work on. What I read particularly resonated with what you're struggling with. If you're interested, I can (at some future date, I don't have the book with me today), send you an excerpt. But only if you're interested. Some stuff doesn't speak to you and I respect that. I think I can relate the thoughts in the book as my "higher power." :-)

Anyway.... Back to the original program... How did it go for you yesterday with G.?

Sent: Wed 10/20/05 2:06 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: It’s almost Friday!!!!

After a few mind changes (mostly on my part) we went out for sushi up on Queen Anne to my newest favorite place. Dinner was fine, nothing really all that special. I got this feeling he was uncomfortable there, I don't know why. I didn't ask him because it's not about him, right (eye roll). He made an angel food cake and brought over half of it for me, we stopped and got raspberries and I made a little fruit garnish for it, and we had some after we got back to my place. He put together (mostly) a new CD rack thingey I bought so I can FINALLY after years and years be satisfied with a rack that isn't ugly that holds all my CD's. I can't wait to get them all put away tonight. G. didn't stay long after that -- said he was tired -- so he left around 10:30 I think. He was nice in his usual, nice way. Not a lot of chemistry feelings or any real closeness. He left and I kinda said "nuff of that" and today I put my Yahoo personal back up. That should tell you how I feel.

He's a nice man, I wish we had more in common or at least more of a feeling of WANTING to have more in common. He again last night brought up big happenings at the bars he goes to and that he has a lot of studying to do this weekend, and I just figure we just don't "gel". I am not sure how to say whatever it is I think I should say to him, and I'll probably just leave it alone for awhile, but I know Yahoo will tell him I'm up and running before too long, so he's going to know. I can't decide if I want to say anything about it or not. Now, mind you, he's had his ad up this entire time. Never mind he's a guy and probably not getting that much email. I'm not responsible for his side of the street. All I know is, I feel like I am always waiting around for time to spend with him, and he's going out with his guy friends and doing his thing. Today I'm sick of that. It's been almost 2 months since we met, and if he wants to just hang out and do stuff once in awhile then so be it. I wanted to find someone who was looking for me, too, and I don't think he's looking.

I think tonight after I get all my CD's into their new home I'm going to start reading Greg's book. I haven't yet but actually really looking forward to it.

AND I am going to think about you and be glad you're going out, glad you'll be laughing and having a good time. I think that's exactly what you need and without being jealous, I'm happy for you :)

"Fwd: So what is wrong with these costumes?" Message Thread

2005-10-19T22:41:00.000-07:00

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 06:51:18
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Fwd: So what is wrong with these costumes?

Howudoin' Hot Stuff?

Hope you're doing well!

A girlfriend sent me these pics at work, and I thought you'd get a kick out of them. :-)

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Think about me...

L.

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 10:41:08
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Fwd: So what is wrong with these costumes?

Theses are so funny!

I just got up, and drinking my first cup of coffee.

I hope your having a great day.

bye

"So how's the day?" Message Thread

2005-10-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

Sent: Tue 10/18/05 2:40 PM
From: LS
Subject: So how's the day?

I know the answer I think, but wanted to ask you anyway how your day is going :D

Sent: Mon 10/18/2005 3:04 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: So how's the day?

Hey there. It's going just great, thanks for asking. I'm just in a way better mood today than yesterday. Nothing else is new since I talked with you last night - so no extraordinary reason to feel good. I just do. :-)

How's it going on your end?

Sent: Tue 10/19/05 9:08 AM
From: LS
Subject: RE: So how's the day?

Sorry I didn't get this before I left last night -- thanks for your voicemails, those were fun to listen to :) I'm glad you're in a good place. I met with my sponsor & then went to a meeting afterwards, and home to watch some tv and bed. I think G. & I are going to dinner tonight, I'd mentioned it this weekend and I think he forgot so, I said it again this morning and he said he thought we could do that. Of course my sensitive little girl wanted him to be exuberant about it and say something like "I can't wait to see you!" but, that's not him :)

My sponsor was a little bit tough on me last night about my insecurities with G. and how I'm not focusing any of the work we've done on those shortcomings. She mentioned that it sounded like I was the problem (she does all this in a pretty nice way, I know she loves me n'all that but I hear the message loud & clear) and that I should focus not so much on what he's doing but what I'm doing. Supposed to ask myself if I'm being selfish or self-seeking (and really, with him, when am I not?) and pause, take a breath and ask my Higher Power for guidance. Gonna be a tough road to hoe. I'd rather do my not-so-fair behavior that I've known my whole life ;-)

Anyway, thanks again for thinking of me & calling to keep me in the loop.
I'm SO glad you're doin' well! That just makes me very happy :)

Sent: Tue 10/19/05 11:18 AM
From: LKK
Subject: RE: So how's the day?

Wow, sounds like your sponsor and my therapist ought to get together. :-)

You and I are both working on some similar issues. I think it's very cool that she will call you on your "stuff" however gently. The message is obviously coming across and is being received. It's not something you didn't already know, but I think the more people who hold you to healthy approaches for yourself, the more it will stay with you. Try to tap into that competitive nature of yours. Take care of yourself better than anyone else can. :-) And then you win!

Well, then all of us who care about you will win because we will be ecstatic for you!

LD, my counselor, asked me to identify how old I am when I get all anxious and unglued, and what is it that I need at that moment that will bring me down off the ceiling. I think that I'm about five years old, and the feeling is lke waiting for Christmas morning to come. I used to love the holidays so much that I couldn't sleep the night before Christmas, and that night felt like it would NEVER end. That's what happens to me when I get all anxious like I did Sunday and Monday. I just feel like it will never end. What I decided I need to help me with that is to connect back to the world. You helped me Monday by connecting and talking. So I'm sending a big thank you your way.

She asked how I brought myself down on Sunday and here's the reason why I decided it's a sense of connection that I'm seeking when I'm all strung out. I got down on the floor and played with my kitties. They always come running, even if they're in a dead sleep, when I am down on the floor. Not only that, but C. did the most unusual thing for herself, she grabbed a toy that's she's never shown a previous interest in, and just started dashing around with it in her mouth, batting it around and chasing it if I dragged it. That really pulled me out of whatever spiral I was stuck in (for at least a little while) and distracted me with its simple joy. C. acting like a kitten.
So I'm supposed to take C. with me (spiritually) to give to the five year old to play with when she starts to freak out about whatever. This is a little swishy for me, but I'll give it a try.

I'm looking forward to seeing that comedian, Greg Giraldo, with E. tomorrow. The guy is hilarious and I just know I'm going to embarrass myself with my snorting. :-) I'm going to wear my new dress (see attached file -- hopefully it comes through) because I'll feel sexy and I like dressing up for E. because he notices and compliments me. It'll just be fabulous to laugh.

So how are you feeling about all this stuff your sponsor has you thinking on?

Sent: Tue 10/19/05 2:30 PM
From: LS
Subject: RE: So how's the day?

First of all, the dress pic came thru and it looks great!Is yours that color? I think green and red hair go fabulous together.

I've got a hair appt on Sat and I am DYING to get my dark hair back! Mine has lightened up a lot and it's uneven and I hate it.

All the stuff my sponsor said seemed pretty straight from the heart and true. Not all of it was nice to hear of course, cuz I want someone to agree with me that it's G.'s fault when I feel bad (even though I know he's not responsible for that). I think overall I understand that it's ME that has the issues, ME that wants things to be different and ME that is trying to control how this relationship goes. That being said I don't have hardly a clue as to how to go about changing my behavior. That's where the God thing comes in, and I'm supposed to work on that. Humility is the key (insert eye-roll face here).

I feel kinda snippy today and I'm not really sure why. Just been that way all morning. I think I'm very tired and need some protein and all I really want is a diet coke, but we don't have a pop machine here or I'd be getting one.

I guess I'll go home, take care of T-dog, go get G., bring him back over to Bellevue, show him my work and take him to dinner, like we said (or at least what I thought we discussed but apparently I was the only one in that conversation) and see what we see. I bought a new CD rack thingey that needs to be put together and he said he'd do it for me so I am hoping he means tonight because I REALLY want to get all my CD's put into one damn place and be able to see what I have. I've been keeping my CD's in boxes for so long it's not even funny, and I want to get them onto my Ipod but how can I when I don't even know what I have?!?!?

See, snippy. I don't even have a reason or a focus!I'd venture to say, too many feelings discussed yesterday made me feel like crap about myself and so today I've internalized it and feel mean. That's the best self-psych work I can do. Not to mention I have a little headache and I want diet coke. I know, I already said that but I'm saying it again ...

I'm gonna go try to do a little bit of work today I think and see how that goes ..
Honestly I just need a nice warm fuzzy cuddle up nap. I think that would be a miracle cure for me :)

"Monday, Monday" Message Thread

2005-10-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

Sent: Mon 10/17/2005 11:04 AM
From: LKK
Subject: Monday, Monday

Hey, you!

Happy Monday and all that rot. Turn that frown upside down. Smile, you never know who might be falling in love with you...

Blah blah blah blah blah

How was the rest of your weekend? Did you do anything fun?

Sent: Mon 10/17/2005 3:44 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Monday, Monday

You crack me up LOL
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH LOLOLOL ... I'm gonna run around saying that for a few hours now I think LOL ...

oh and "all that rot" as well ... :)
I suspect you had an SNS weekend? Mine was wrought with discussion and light argument, to the point that Sat night I was extremely sure G. was breaking up with ME .. and then Sunday we had a very pleasant morning together (didn't spend the night before together but he made me chocolate chip pancakes at his place Sun) and then did our own thing for the afternoon. He called me around 8:30 to tell me he was gonna make cookies and did I want some - cuz he would bring them over - or, did I maybe want to come over and help him. I chose the latter, and we had fun. It was easy and light, no remnant hard feelings or weird tones in voices to deal with. He made a totally valiant attempt at seducing me afterwards, which I really didn't expect after the deep dark conversations from the day before .. and he added some effort and tenderness to his repertoire and I was so touched by it I almost cried. He asked me if I wanted to spend the night even, on a school night ... but I didn't. He said we could talk about making plans for it next weekend, and that was nice to hear. I'm honestly not sure what will happen, but at least I feel good in the fact that I'm working hard at being patient and adult about things right now. I am hating the feelings like nobody's business, but I'm trying to do the BLAH BLAH BLAH thing as much as I can right now ;-) ... God knows I need the positivity.

So tell me, little miss .. what's happening with you?

Sent: Mon 10/17/2005 4:14 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: Monday, Monday

Well, well, well. It looks like our tables have turned and it's your turn to operate from a "better place" however temporarily. LOL I am so glad to hear about your weekend. See, from my external, objective view, it sounds like a beautiful weekend. Seriously.

My weekend wasn't all that hot. Saturday I didn't hear from the man getting toward 1:00 or so, when we were supposedly getting together to see a movie and then have me spend the night. That's not totally a big deal because he was supposed to be working that side job Saturday morning. So I do the research on movie times and call him around 1:45 expecting to leave a message. Well, he's home.
Grrr.

He didn't work that morning.

Grrrr.

And he didn't call.

Grrrr.

We do the whole dance about what are we going to do, blah blah blah. Who's going to go to who's place. I come up with a couple of different scenarios and he finally asks me which one is the one I want to do. When I say it's the one where I grab some grub for him to grill, maybe grab a movie and we can stay in at his place and stay over night. Well, he isn't feeling like having me stay over. Sad voice response, he detects it. Uncomfortable discussion and decision is that he will come up to my place (since I wasn't staying over, he could come to me!), we will play tennis, grab some pizza and watch the baseball game, then he'll go home. All of which happened.

It actually was a great afternoon and evening. I had a blast playing tennis and we ate and snuggled and such and such. The cuddling afterward was excellent and drawn out as we both fell asleep. I felt pretty good saying good bye and that was that.

So the next morning I decide that it's time to actually take my Hot or Not profile down, since I was getting tired of getting e-mails about who wants to meet me and also stringing along nice people who might or might not pan out -- but I didn't really have the heart to find out. I decided to commit to my decision to get to know E. and only E.. So before I deactivated, I sent E. a flower (one of the cutesy things you can do for a price) and I sent him a tulip. Because all he would get was an e-mail from the site telling him someone sent him a flower, I followed up with an e-mail (through the Hot or Not service) that I sent him a tulip because I love it when he presses his two lips to mine. Sick. Then I deactivated (well, after e-mailing my boys to tell them I'm getting to know someone).

Then I started my panic.

Well, what happens when you deactivate is that when/if E. goes to respond to my e-mail he will find that he is unable to rspond because one of the following could be true: I deleted his match. I am editing my profile. I am no longer accepting messages. And something else I can't remember. But then he has no way of knowing which it is unless he checks his double-match list. If he does that, he will see a message next to my name which says I am no longer accepting messages.

Well, being the semi-stalker that I can be, I checked to see if he logged on after I sent the flower and message to him. He did. No response though. (He, obviously, has my outside e-mail address, so he doesn't have to rely on the Hot or Not service to write to me).

Anxiety turned up to fever pitch.

I suffered through the rest of my day. Watching some of my TiVo, shopping on line (I am now broker than broke) and then worked out for almost 2 hours). I watched the Seahawks and the Chicago White Sox/Angels baseball games simultaneously. Waited until the Sox had won their way into the World Series (remember, E. is from Chicago) and then called him up (waited actually 20 minutes or so to do that, in case his mom called him like she had before when they won their first playoff series). No answer. Left a voice mail for him celebrating the win and also asking him how his real estate showing with his client C. went -- and to call me about it so I could hear how it went. This was about 8:45.

No call.

One more stalker check onto the Hot or Not website showed that he logged in at 10:00 or so.

No response.

No e-mail this morning.

No call at lunch.

Nothing.

I even dreamt about this.

While the brain is rationalizing that we've gone a day or two before without communicating, this of course is trumped by my lame-ass move to commit to him. Rational thoughts say that if he freaks out about this without calling, then so be it. He wasn't the one for me. There'll be another train coming through the station.

But dammit, I want to kick this abandonment gremlin off my back.
So that's where I'm sitting, and it ain't pretty.
Okay, I'm going to eat my lunch now.
Thanks for reading. And any kind words you may have to send my way will be more than appreciated.

God Bless G. for coming through with cookies. He's a good man. :-)

Sent: Mon 10/17/2005 4:46 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Monday, Monday

Wow that really was tough to read. I am SO sorry you've been beating yourself up like this. I know how much it hurts and how quickly wildfire spreads .. and I could tell you a million times how "from the heart" sorry I am and it wouldn't make much difference - but know that I am sending you a very gigantic hug.

I guess in the manner of kind comments I would have to include a big, heavy sigh and both my hands over my face as I say "OH NO!!" and shake my head from side to side.

I think your best bet is to walk away for 3 days. I think at 2 days he will have cooled down from whatever is putting his panties in a bunch and 1 extra just in case. No calls, no emails. Can you do that? I think Dear Heart, that in trying to lighten the mood you are effectively smothering him - and it would seem that he's not up for that right now. I don't know why he didn't want to spend the night with you, nor why after saying so you two had such an intimate exchange, but I think you need to give him some breathing room so that he can let his own SNS recuperate, whatever it's being caused by.

Let me say that nothing you did created this SNS and it sounds like he's got something weird going on within his own walls -- you are allowed to express disappointment and allowed to show affection and be sweet when you want to be. Remember -- you are NOT responsible for his feelings, and you have not done anything wrong. It's so bad when I tell you this stuff because I do it with total love and all good intentions, but I know too that if it were me I'd have a hell of a time doing it -- and I don't like that whole "do what I say, not what I do" mentality. So accept my apologies if this sounds like the pot calling the kettle black -- but it is, so that would explain the familiarity.

Give him some more space, LKK, and try your damnedest to just let it go. Try not to get defensive and angry and above all else don't take any of it personally. I'd say go work out but I know you'll be doing that anyway .. so maybe you could Kung Pao Squid it tonight since you didn't get to on Friday and give yourself an opportunity to feel the crap but at least have some comfort food too. Read on the couch with some nice music and candles .. that seems to do a lot more for me than watching TV on the relaxing front (I realized that this weekend because I did more than my fair share of it) and TV always has some kind of guy-girl thing going on that makes me think of exactly that which I'm trying to escape.

Does any of that make sense or help you at all?I sure hope so .. I know you're bristling and wishing you hadn't sent the tulip to him, but know that it was a very sweet gesture and that there was nothing wrong with it. You just got done telling me that I have to be the real ME with G. .. so don't beat yourself up for being the real you with E.. I love you and I'm sorry for your pain!

Subject: Hey, Cutie

2005-10-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 10:03:07
To: E.
From: L.

I sent you the tulip because I love it when you put your two lips against mine. ;-)

Hope you're having a great day.

Think about me, 'cause I'm thinkin' on you...

"TGIF !!" Message Thread

2005-10-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

Sent: Fri 10/14/2005 8:26 AM
From: LS
Subject: TGIF !!

Good morning,

Just a quick note to say, again, thanks for the support and the love - and I loved the little bouquet! You're just too good to me :)

G. & I talked more last night and after stewing in my house for a few hours I primped and went over there without an invitation. I called from the street and asked if I could come in, of course, but he didn't know I was gonna do that. I told him I was sorry for having made him feel bad the night before but that I wasn't sorry about what I said. I made an effort to be calm and make lots of eye contact and touch him when I could, so that he would maybe know I wasn't mad at him. We watched the end of The Apprentice (mind you he was supposed to be studying which was why I couldn't come over to begin with, and he wasn't studying) and then talked a little bit more and had sex on the couch. Not quite intimate but after talking to my friend A. this week about how I feel about sex on the couch (which is like sex in the car if you ask me) she gave me this funny look and told me she didn't realize I was so structured LOL and since it was HER that said it, I figured I thought I'd better re-think that whole thing and make some effort at being more spontaneous. I guess if HE doesn't care what happens to his couch then I guess I don't have to care either ... but I just think it's kinda "ewwwe". How many people has he done that with on that couch??? Anyway, that's just me.

I left just before 11. I told him as I was putting my clothes back on that I wanted to petition this week for a night next weekend of my own, where we actually do something together and then spend the night together, and that I want that every weekend - at least one night where we do that together. He seemed to be chewing on that one but after all my thinking last night I thought I might as well jump in now while everything is kinda mixed up and say exactly what I want. He didn't call me this morning on his way to school (before yesterday, he did EVERY day) so at 7:30 I called him to say Good Morning, since I think he's testing me and I figure I can play this silly game for awhile. He's got a test today and he didn't study much, and he's pretty stressed out about it .. and that's entirely his own doing. I tried not to say much about it but if he is up here for school (which he sarcastically pressed upon me the night before when we were talking) then he should start doing some studying instead of hanging out with 20-something year olds, some of which can't even get into bars yet ...

Anyway, I think he's amazing in so many ways, and human in others .. I don't know that he's my soul mate by any stretch but I hardly know what that means. We have some "issues" as do all couples, and if he'd give a little my way I'd be willing to give some his way. We'll just have to see what happens. If nothing else, I feel content (enough) knowing that he is invested enough into it to feel bad when we don't get along, and that he's willing to try to talk to me about it instead of just throwing up his hands and saying something glib to get out of it.

I feel good enough today to work thru it instead of letting it get me down.
That's about all I got to say about it right now.

I sure do hope YOU, little missy, had a superb time in Kent visiting last night, and I am looking forward a LOT to tonight! I have the address and I'll figure it out from my place. We can discuss it a little bit later today & finalize "the deal" :)

Hope your wonder-friday has started off on a good note!

Talk soon :)

L

Sent: Fri 10/14/2005 2:00 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: TGIF !!

Hey there!

Thanks for that great update. I'm glad to hear you guys are still talking about important stuff and it sounds like you did alot of thinking about this. I'm sorry that I haven't had time to get back to you til now, and this is going to be short, but I'm counting on full disclosure (well, whatever you'd like to share LOL) tonight.

Wow, I just checked out the website for when this event starts tonight and I didn't realize it started at 6:30! Crap, I'm going to have to get out of here early if I'm going to get to your house in time to get to this place. I'll try to leave at 5:15, hopefully that's enough time.

I'll tell you about my night with E. when we get together. It was good, just so you don't start to worry that there's anything to talk about. lol

Okay, sorry to be so short, I'm swamperoonies. See you tonight! :-)

Sent: Fri 10/14/2005 2:50 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: TGIF !!

Wow I swear it said from 7-8:30 too .. huh ..
yeah your Social Club announcement thingey says it's from 7-8:30.
Well I'll be ready for you anytime after 6 and we can get going whenever you get there. If we're late or early it's all good as long as we get a book :)

I am not entirely sure I want to go visit S. tonight. I don't have any great reason, and maybe I might change my mind later, but I feel really
wiped out emotionally and I don't know how late I'm going to have my act together to be of
any good to anyone besides T-dog. If you are hot to trot and go out there, I might be swayed by your beautiful smile ;-) but we can talk about it tonight.

Work hard little girl!I'll see you in a little while!

"Hiya" Message Thread

2005-10-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

Sent: Thu 10/13/2005 1:58 PM
From: LS
Subject Hiya

Hey girl,

Just a shout out .. hope you're bizzy bizzy and nothing else?

Did you have a visitor last night? Thinking about you!

L

Sent: Thu 10/13/2005 3:28 PM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: Hiya

Hey there,

Sorry for the loud silence. :-)

I was out sick yesterday. I did a very bad cold-med combo and on the way into work got deathly ill. We're talking throw up sick, so I turned around and literally passed out for 4 hours once I got home. It was a pretty much lay around all day and sleep yesterday. Then today, I've been swamped with work stuff and some volunteer work for the Walk Across Washington. Issaquah had it's section of the walk today, and I helped out for most of the day. I'm just back in the office now.

No, E. didn't come over last night. He's ended up having to work at a job where he meets the guys at 5:00 a.m. and that's kind of obnoxious hours when you factor in his cold. I'm going to drive over there tonight after work because a girl's gotta do what a girl's do to get herself a little sumpin' sumpin'. lol Don't worry though, he's gravely aware of how far the pendulum has shifted on the driving side. But, hey, he's making me dinner. I can't squawk too loud, and I'm not really interested in squawking just yet anyway. I'm not staying over though -- that WOULD inspire some squawking. Besides, I have to come up with some kind of work appropriate, event appropriate outfit for tomorrow night.

Oh, and I never got back to you on the visiting S. idea. Of course I'm always glad to see S., so if you're up for that, we can visit him afterward. I think you're right in that he works at Sport on Fridays. I haven't been there yet, but I've heard it's fun.

Okay, back to the grind. Why don't you let me in on your doin's if you have some time. :-)

Sent: Thu 10/13/2005 3:33 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Hiya

I am so sorry to hear about your med combo ... dang girl. I'm glad you got it out of you!

Bad to hear you were so pukey though. I do hate puking. Maybe it was all good that E. couldn't come over so you could mend .. tonight will be fun then, even if you are driving again.
You're right, a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.

G. & I have started having some real talks and really, I don't think I can emotionally deal with typing it all out so I will have to put you on the back burner until tomorrow night and tell you about it. The basic bottom line is, what he wants to do with his spare time just doesn't cut it for me. I am not anyone's filler girl, not even G.'s. I am not entirely sure I'm right about all of this but I am so dang tired of feeling bad about being a non-drinker where he's concerned. I shouldn't have to feel that way - I didn't get sober to feel bad. I didn't tell him I wanted to break up or mention any drastic measures, but the honest words have been said and when I asked him how he thought my side & his side were going to mesh (on the subject of going out to bars all the time) he said he didn't know, that he thought we were still working that one out. That wasn't no good sign to me. He's got to be his person and I have to respect that ~ and I also need to be my own person and he's got to respect THAT. Not just on the designated "get together" nights but in general. I'll tell you tomorrow if you wanna hear it all. Pretty exhausting stuff.

I am still glad to hear you & E. are plugging along :)
That's great to hear & I'm glad you're enjoying it. That's how it should be, I know.

Sorry to be curt but I've been maybe too emotional today and I feel kinda messed up. I'm leaving at 4 to go do Post Office BS and go home. K. is coming over and we're going to commiserate and have a little happy hour of our own tonight before she has to go visit her new man, then I am gonna stay home and do some reading and chilling. G. told me he has to study for a test they have every Friday so we can't do Survivor together anymore. I am contemplating a meeting but dunno if the couch will release my butt or not :) I'll see how it goes.

Tomorrow night, are you gonna come to my place first? We haven't really talked about "the plan" yet. I guess I thought you would but you might not wanna do that, I dunno. I'm glad we are going, I can't wait to see this guy. I bet it will be packed to the rafters.

I'll talk to you tomorrow, thanks for getting back to me & filling me in. Have a great time tonight and get some for me too :)

"Feeling like some company?" Message Thread

2005-10-13T04:51:00.000-07:00

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 00:36:21
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Feeling like some company?

Hey there,

You're probably sound asleep and snoring (yes you do, don't deny it!) ;-) Hopefully you're dreaming about me.

Me, on the other hand, am wide awake from all the napping I did today. I figure taking care of a little "personal business" in a few minutes will probably relax me enough to drift off. And yes, I'll be thinking of you as I pleasure myself.

My question for you is if you would like me to stop by for a little while tomorrow evening? Let me know...

Have a great day. Hope you figure out what to do about getting your tools...

kisses

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 04:51:24
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Feeling like some company?

Tomorrow meaning tonight?

Yup, I would love to see you.

I'll make you happy! I will tie you up to the bed and have my way with you. If that sound like fun? It does to me, and my cock is hard thinking about it.

I'll be here.

Have a great day! Do you know how to salsa dance?

kisses

"Have a good day..." Message Thread

2005-10-12T03:44:00.000-07:00

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 22:29:52
To: E.
From: L.
Subject: Have a good day...

Hey sweet thang, hope you're feeling better, and that your day today goes better than Tuesday.

I've been thinking about you. Looking forward to seeing you. And putting my hands on you. And my lips....

Ooh, such naughty thoughts.

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 03:44:28
To: L.
From: E.
Subject: Re: Have a good day...

Get this, I am working in Tacoma. I have to be there by 5 and the guys are getting wet. The job is on the beach. I don't think that sounds good for me. O yeah its 3:40am

have a great day and I will call you when I get home 1-2pm.

bye

"Tuesday, another day" Message Thread

2005-10-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

Sent: Tue 10/11/2005 8:16 AM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Tuesday, another day

Reading this first thing in the morning was so totally perfect to get my brain screwed in right.
At least for a few minutes anyway LOL ... I feel so very lucky to have you as a friend, to have you care so much -- enough to send me a big long email to help steady me and tell me you care. I can't thank you enough. I know, I do it for you too .. but when you're the receiver, it just feels like so much more of a gift than when you're the giver .. what's that about ??? :) Anyway, thank you so, so much.

I hear ya on the fibbing & point taken. It's stupid and childish, and non-sensical. Who the hell cares what I choose to do with my spare time? I'm sure either way he wouldn't, because it's just not in his makeup to be co-dependent like I am. I'm not beating myself up about this, but I have to say that I am that -- co-dependent -- and I feel like I need him to fill my holes with the kind of attention and affection that I want, not the kind he wants to give me. Selfish, self-centered thinking. We actually talked about that last night at my Monday meeting and it was so fitting to hear it out loud .. didn't even have anything to do with me as I didn't even speak up, but it was there and I heard it. I know it's true, but I just don't know what to DO with it. That's my dilemma. Like you were saying about working out, sleeping, movie, other friends, etc. You've told me that before -- once you told me to get a glass of water to get my mind off whatever is bothering me LOL and sometimes when I have a glass and I'm pouring water into it I think of you ;)

He asked me last night if I'd talked to you and how your weekend went, and I told him you'd sent me a super awesome email and that you sounded great. He wanted to know all about it, and I just couldn't really talk about it because it was kinda too intimate, too close to home on the things that were going on with me (in the opposite direction, obviously) and I didn't want to talk to him about that and start crying or some such thing. He's been pretty attentive the last couple days, I think his ESP is picking up my angst in a big sort of way ... but he's also been keenly sarcastic in a joking sort of way, and it has not been my mood so I've had troubles with it.

He's making me dinner tonight, I'm supposed to go over around 6:30-ish and we will go down to the Locks if it's not raining and take a little walk before we eat. He made something for dessert last night .. won't tell me what, but I'm sure if he planned it the day before it will be something very very yummy. Dinner will be good too, no matter what it is. He's a very good cook, it's not like Canlis or anything but whatever he makes is done well and tastes amazing. When I was dating J., I used to let him put me in a corner where I felt less-than him - like I wasn't good enough for him, even though of course there were times I knew better. I feel somewhat the same way about G., in a less threatening sort of way -- but he's got friends he cares about, he's close to his family, he's smart and funny and he seems so independent, and he can cook!! He's got a lot of things I wish I had. I have good friends too so that's not so much the part I'm talking about .. but the rest, it just overwhelms me sometimes. I get panicky and desperate-feeling, like I want so much to be good enough to keep him so I can sneak my way in and absorb some of his strength. When he shuts me down (my perception) I feel like a little child and I don't know how to respond.

I will take a look at that website link you sent about the Love Addicts thing. The funny thing about 12-step programs, after you've been in one awhile you can apply the principles to just about any less-than-where-you-want-it-to-be thing you've got in your life. I know my insecurities are what drive me to obsess about being loved and needing more from a guy than he can give me - realistically, no matter what kind of man G. was, it wouldn't be enough when I've got the NEEDY thing going on. That hole just goes down past China, there's not bottom to hit. I know this, and I have to work hard to compensate for it. My way is usually to pull back and get quieter because I get afraid of what I might say ... and boy does G. pick up on that. He doesn't like it at all when I get quiet, and starts asking me what's wrong -- which in turn makes me MORE stressed LOL

You know, he told me this weekend his younger brother (the one with the drinking & drug problem) was going ring shopping with their mom for his girlfriend. They are moving in together at the end of the month after dating for THREE years. They met in a treatment center LOL and both of them, of course, are back to using again. I don't know how much or whatever but, I know that neither of them stayed clean. Last night he told me his bro found a ring and he's pretty excited about it (the brother is). He's having them mail it to G. up here (from Cali) to save on the sales tax (cheap bastard) and also so that G. can see it and tell his brother what he thinks, like that matters .. but I thought it was kinda nice that G.'s brother was trying to include him. Of course, telling me all this just brought to the forefront of my mind that I really in my heart wish to God that someone would feel that way about me, want me to be a permanent part of their life like that. I know marriage isn't necessarily "permanent" but the premise makes it start that way ... and I want to know how that feels. I also get very well that G. and I just met & I don't even know how I feel about him like that, but without a particular guy in my mind I just feel like I want someone to care about me that much.

Okay I've been typing for like 20 minutes! I am gonna go re-read your email and get my head back straight again (it's already off-kilter, go figure after my POOR ME rant) and then try to get some work done :)

I hope you are enjoying the morning, it looks like we might have at least a little bitta sunshine this morning anyway -- and hopefully some clearing today. I love the rain, but it's so good for somber, and I just don't want to feel that way today.

Cheers my friend! :)

Talk to you soon & thank you again for being such a great support for me!

Sent: Tue 10/11/2005 11:26 AM
From: LKK
Subject: Re: Tuesday, another day

Hey there, Happy Tuesday!

And it is happy for me with the gorrrrrrrgeous weather. Yummy! I'd like it to stay sunny as long as possible to keep me away from my serotonin snacking! At night I have sooooo been craving sweets and carbs. In fact, Sunday night I scrounged out these chocolate bunnies I have from Easter and spread them with crunchy peanut butter. Doh! Luckily they were small (like an inch long) and I was able to stop myself at three (miracle of all miracles), but STILL. This is not a good sign. It's getting exceedingly difficult to bypass the cake mix aisle.... Especially when QFC has them 10 for 10 dollars. Criminy!

So my thinking is that if the weather stays nice, I won't be comfort-seeking eating. Well, that's my theory anyway.

I'm really glad my ramblings yesterday were able to help in some way. I really feel your pain. That's why I know from whence I write. I actually visited that website that I sent to you. They have a 40 questions to ask yourself to see if you are a love addict. I can definitely answer yes to many of those questions. So I can see why KD (my old counselor) was thinking that would be something I could benefit from checking out. I think that some of the work I am starting to do with LD (my current counselor) will attack some of the underlying issues that cause me to be an addict of love and romance.

I see so many parallels to the way you and I were raised and our momma issues. They may be different issues, but they result in the same obstacles that we struggle with today. I believe they are issues that my mom dealt with in her growing up and I KNOW that her mom (my grandmother) dealt with them while SHE was growing up. I think by the time it got to me the doo-doo was so firmly entrenched in my female family's behavior patterns that it was invisible to them. I don't know how that dynamic played out in your mother's history -- but I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't there for her as well. Particularly coming from a Japanese culture. Not the most supportive or nurturing of strong, independent women.

Still, as Dr. DT said to me at my last appointment (she's the med doctor) -- it's nice of me to acknowledge that my mom had a hard row to hoe by having a baby at her age, but at the same time, it doesn't change the fact that I am hurting. I don't have to know the "how" of why I am the way I am, I just need to acknowledge it and heal. Of course, me being who I am, I NEED to know the how's and why's of things. I am so much more comfortable. Maybe because that allows me to focus on other people's needs (hey, they have an excuse, so maybe I just need to suck it up and not be so sensitive) -- instead of standing up for my own -- and believing that I deserve to have my needs met.

It's so much easier to worry about what G. or E. are thinking, feeling, etc. than to actually take the time to figure out how you or I am feeling. Because, if we discover that we're really just not into them, we might actually have to take action to get us out of the relationship (turning our backs on romance, intimacy, closeness -- even if there is something essentially lacking that is not meeting our needs). I don't want to lose my chance at love any more than you do -- you know that. At the same time, this isn't life or death here. Not really. We make it like that for ourselves. I'm just as guilty of it as you are. I get so focused on being the perfect girlfriend so that I can look back and say I did one relationship "right" that I lose alot of myself in the process.

You are doing that now. You are losing the ability to enjoy the moments you are being given with G. by being overwhelmed by the big picture. Where is it going? What does it mean? Why is he doing such and such? Why is he NOT doing such and such? Sound familiar? He's into you. He's really into you. Fears and all. I'm not saying this is a license to unload on him all the stuff that's running around in your head. That's for you and I or you and K. or A. or whomever you choose to confide in. It doesn't mean you're weak or broken or worth less or not as good as G. is.

You know, you can take what you respect in him, what you admire and wish you were, and turn it into action. That is why I like being with people who challenge me. Especially when it's not THEM who want me to change, but that, by my own choice, I choose to change my life or set goals or improve myself in some way. It's easy to get lazy (at least for me) and just slide by. But I really don't like myself or my life when I do that. It's okay for a while, but then I start to get antsy and dissatisfied and bitchy and get a negative attitude about life. This is like a new realization for me. An epiphany moment almost.

By doing what I consider "harsh" and staying really detached from E. and any potential outcome between the two of us, I have actually done some of the most healthy "relationship" stuff of my life. I've caught myself in the whole fantasy/expectation game (i.e. the Seahawks weekend, overnighter, breakfast, two days of spending every waking moment with each other). I was able to step back from it, talk with him about why I was disappointed, and now we both know about an important issue for me is. It's important for him (both from my perspective and from his own) that he sticks to his word. I'm keeping my eyes open to notice things about him that are REALLY about him and not the way I want to see him. So the guy I'm starting to like is the real guy, not the fantasy guy I have in my head of how he SHOULD be.

I want to be that important person you want to be too. And you know what? I'm starting to become that important person. Both for me and for him. I see that in our interactions and I feel that in the way I am writing to you. I'm not saying that I won't have moments (probably MANY moments) of scrambling around and trying to decode every word or action with you, LOL, but I hope at those times, to tap back into this feeling. Yeah, it's damn scary to think about what it would be like if I don't get to see him or whatever in the future, but I can't dwell on that. That will turn me into the Ambivalent Love Addict (check out that site, it's interesting -- because I think that that is the category I most fit into -- with my whole loving the crush more than acting on it) -- where I will start the freak-outs to drive him away so that I don't have to have the commitment and I can be alone which is what the martyr in me believes will be my fate anyway. That martyr just needs to take a hike!

So, what I'm telling you is, think about the dessert he made for you. Savor the dessert he made, the dinner he made. Laugh. Tease with him. Be in the moment. I can almost 100% assure you that there is no motive for him beyond that moment that you are there. He's not trying to show you up. He's trying to show off because he wants to impress YOU. He feels the need to impress you. What does that say to you? Well, it says to me that you are important to him. He is impressed by you and he has to win you with his wiles. :-) Be in that moment as much as you can.

I'm getting the distinct impression that the sarcasm gets extremely thick when you guys are pussyfooting around a "dangerous" topic. That is definitely a cop defense mechanism. It protects them by separating them from their surroundings with humor and puts their fear/discomfort on you. i.e. Misery loves company. When he goes to jump your bones, grab his wrists and push him down. Say, hold on big boy. I want my lesson and I want it now. And I have a lesson for you. Let's play teacher and student. You be the teacher and I'll be the naughty girl you held after school. ;-)

I love ya girl. Hang in there. You can do this. Just approach it with baby steps. And for crying out loud, if you have to pull an nun-move on him with the ruler, go for it! ;-)

Sent: Tue 10/11/2005 2:25 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Tuesday, another day

You crack me UP :)
Thank you for the insights and the suggestions, I will take them in and chew on them. It's hard for me to see he's making any effort to "impress" me per se when I feel like time would be worth more, but that's just because I want what I want WHEN I want it - not when he wants to give it to me. I gotta learn to stop that and appreciate the NOW. I don't do that so well -- and thank you for reminding me.

You sound solid as a rock, girlfriend. I am envious and proud of you at the same time :)
Good job you!

Sent: Tue 10/11/2005 3:15 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Tuesday, another day

It was the nun comment, wasn't it? ;-)

Sent: Tue 10/11/2005 3:59 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Tuesday, another day

Yeah that made me bust out a chortle ;)
good one LOL

"Here we go again with those rainy Mondays... ;-)" Message Thread

2005-10-10T15:43:00.000-07:00

Sent: Mon 10/10/2005 12:11 PM
From: LKK
Subject Here we go again with those rainy Mondays... ;-)

Hey there, Girly Girl!

How are you doing this afternoon? Are you keeping the throat scratchies at bay? Did you survive the do-it-yourself weekend? Did you end up really just doing it yourself?

The movie was okay. In BK's words, "It wasn't as bad as I was expecting it to be." lol Well, I wasn't expecting it to be bad, and I was actually entertained. It's pretty hard not to be with a whole lotta Matthew being flashed on the screen. Sweaty Matthew. Suited up Matthew. Good gawd, there oughta be a law about being that sexy. I filled up at least TWO drool cups. So, if for nothing else but eye candy and Texan drawl -- it's worth the money.

BK showed up at 1:52. I ended up buy my ticket, going in, getting popcorn and grabbing a seat before he arrived. I'm so glad I didn't buy TWO tickets. I would have been so stressed out waiting for him to get there. It was good to catch up a bit after the show too. I haven't seen him or really talked with him since before the Seahawks game that will live in infamy. ;-)

Saturday was a pretty much do-it-myself day in total. I ended up working out for two hours after the movie, and then just collapsing on the couch later. I also figured out my new cable provider (something that was just changed at our complex with no warning or explanation... grrrr the signal has been crappy and my TiVo has been rudderless for about two weeks now). It's very nice to have the program information that TiVo's trying to give me be correct! It's been driving me nuts.

Sunday I woke up to a very sweet e-mail from E. He mentioned that the night after the night I stayed over, he slept on my side of the bed where he could still smell my scent. :-) I ended up visiting his open house for an hour and a half (had to pretend to be a buyer three times when people came through) and then we grabbed lunner (lunch/dinner) at my fave Chinese (the suppliers of the infamous Kung Pao Squid). We had a really good talk while there. Not only that, but also some convo at the open house too. We set up plans to get together on Wednesday (and he let me know that it was HIS turn to come to me -- I didn't even have to ask or suggest). While we were lunching, he brought up the possibility that, if he gets a call from one of his real estate clients wanting to see a house on nights we have plans, that he would have to do the real estate thing. He wanted to make sure I understood that it didn't mean he didn't thik I was important -- because he does -- but at the same time he has his goals to get established in real estate.

You know, even though that's something that I wouldn't want to happen (the possibility of plans being changed last minute), I had it in the back of my mind since we started dating. That's pretty much the nature of the real estate beast. So even if it's something that I don't necessarily want to happen, the fact that he brought it up, made sure I knew he felt I was important, and involved me in the why's and wherefores, I felt so much better and closer to him. I let him know how much I appreciated it, and asked him in return that if we have plans that involve tickets or something that either of us has purchased, that that would be the one time he'd say no. I could see how hard that was for him, but he agreed and said he was talking about if we just had our regular get-together/dinner type plans.

I can feel myself melting my icy resolve more and more. It makes me miss our times spent together more when we're apart, but at the same time, I feel a confidence that we're both making the effort to communicate and share and let the other person know they matter (whether it's by actions or words or the sharing of daily doings and goals). I didn't broach the subject of involving me with his friends (or, more correctly, why he hasn't yet), but he could tell I was thinking about something. I told him I was just thinking about a bunch of things all at once. He said, "Yeah, I do that too sometimes." He notices things, and that, to me, communicates that he cares.

I hope this rambling makes sense.

I feel pretty good today. I'm still coughing (kept myself awake most of the night with the choking cough -- hell, I even broke out the cough medicine with codeine I have). There's just a ton of stuff still in my chest that needs to GO! So I'm loading up on the beverages, bought some more cough medicine that's supposed to break up the chest congestion. Hopefully that will clear it. I think the good feelings come from the fact that I've now been to work early or on time for over a week. :-)

How's tricks with you?

Sent: Mon 10/10/2005 2:43 PM
From: LS
Subject: Re: Here we go again with those rainy Mondays... ;-)

Wow you sound amazing. I am speechless and overjoyed for you!
That is so, so great, LKK. All of it. I am just so happy you're comfy I can't even put it into words. Congrats! :)

My weekend was very much my own. I even lied to G. and told him I went out with K. Sat night cuz I didn't want him to think I was home doing nothing .. isn't that terrible?? He went out with his guy friends Sat and he didn't ever call to say he got home okay so a little bit of me was worried (1 cuz he always calls to say good night and 2 cuz he was out drinking and I knew he drove) but I held out until 11AM to call on Sunday. By then I was getting pretty antsy and worried. Of course, he was fine, on the couch watching football. I think I need a counselor to get me thru dating. I don't think I can do it. I don't know how to do it, what to do and what to expect. It's killing me, and I'm serious. One week he's great, I get used to great and love it. Then the next week he's distant, doesn't answer when I call (and he's one of those people that never really misses the call, he just doesn't take it) and then calls me back sometime when it's more convenient. Yesterday he took me to late lunch at this place a guy he knows owns, and it was fun n'all but short .. we went back to his place and he asks me if I want to take a class cuz he has some free time (I hope I've mentioned this to you because if not it will get censored and I don't want that .. it's about how he likes a certain activity that girls do to boys sometimes .. does that help???) and he's stopped me from doing this activity in the past because I don't do it right .. he is the first guy to ever tell me that. It was a tremendous blow to my ego and so of course I give him a hard time (pun caught but unintended) about him needing to teach me how to do it the right way. Anyway short story is, he fed me then he effed me (class didn't happen) and then he had to leave to pick up his friend at the airport and consequently go out to dinner with more guy friends. This would be the "distant" I was referring to earlier. Last night I re-did my Yahoo personal ad and posted a more recent photo and sent it in for approval, still under the unsearchable guise. I decided that if I didn't hear from him this morning, if that is going to change too, then screw it -- the ad's going back up. And you know, he called me. He also sent me IM's last night and this morning before he took a shower, asking me about dinner tomorrow night and what would I like to have so he can go get it today after school ... and then he calls me to say "good morning, sunshine" just like he almost always does. I just don't know what the eff is going on. I am so afraid to ask, afraid of what I don't know .. I guess of the rejection that I fear will come if I get demanding or act too much like a "girlfriend". In reality I know a month is not a long time, not enough time to get demanding or expect someone to have solid deep feelings -- except that, I have them, so what the heck am I supposed to do with mine?? You know?? He spent the night Friday night and after we had "you know what" my eyes got all watery and teared up but he didn't notice, because he fell straight to sleep. That would explain in a nutshell where my sensitive little feelings feel like we are right now - on opposite sides of the proverbial emotional coin.

I just don't know what is going on and how I'm supposed to act or feel at this point. I'm so used to fast-moving relationships that burn furious at the beginning then fizzle out -- and I don't want that again but I don't know how to do this other way. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Some moments I'm fine with things, but it's after convincing myself to let it go. Other moments I'm feeling like I'm gonna cry any second and I can hear the committee in my head complaining that on one side he's a jerk and screw it I'm done -- and the other side saying that I always run and that I'm overreacting. I just don't know what to say to him, because I don't even know what my issues are in words. I just know I feel pain and I hate it.

But as for other things ... [please don't worry, I am not as close to the edge as it sounds but I had to leave the whole saga in one piece because it all goes together] ... you know I love the rain and I am loving watching it from my window. Well I was, anyway LOL I just turned to look at it and it's stopped here. What a bummer.

I've already made mention that I have plans with you on Friday and I'm very much looking forward to it. I didn't realize it was for his new book so that's cool, I can't wait! That place is on 5th and Lenora; I don't know how close it is to wherever S. is working Friday nights now but we will have to think about going to visit. I am pretty sure Friday night is not at the VI anymore. I think it's at the other place, The Sport, or whatever .. I'll have to ask him.

Thank you for your upbeat email, I know I already drove it into the ground but I am really happy you're happy :)

Sent: Mon 10/10/2005 3:43 PM
From: LK
Subject: Re: Here we go again with those rainy Mondays... ;-)

Well, hell. I'm sorry you're riding the roller coaster. That really sucks. :-( I'm pretty much positive that there are some seriously innocent explanations behind any of his actions that feel like distancing. I know you know this, so I'm need you to tell me what you need from me when it comes to what you're going through. An ear to listen? Advice? Voice of reason (while I'm on steady ground myself. lol)... I don't want to go diving in and not offer what something that you're looking for, if that makes sense. But here I go... ;-)

My best defense from the clingies/sabotage/freak-out anxiety attacks that strike is to disconnect somehow. Hence the two-hour workout. Sleeping. Going to a movie with a friend. Usually all it takes is some time and distance from my roiling thoughts. We're talking about two men who have established pretty full lives outside of us. Yet, they make time for us. Even if it feels like being sandwiched in between their "guy" obligations. lol They still make the time. I don't have enough fingers or toes to count the number of guys I've known/dated who didn't do that.

Men are wired so differently from us. One thing at a time is all they can truly focus on. The fact that he remembers to call. That he cooks you dinner (that's a big one for me), that he takes the time to instant message you. He doesn't have to do any of these things, and he's not putting you on ice or leading you on.

Now this whole b.j. thing, that's a different story. That's his responsibility to tell you what he wants. He's a grown-up and he doesn't have to make it a challenge a put-down or any other such thing -- since this is a SPECIAL act that you would do for him. It's not required. It's not a pre-requisite or a standard of good girl-friend/bad girl-friend material. This whole, take a class thing, I want to beyotch slap the man. It sounds like you've got a two-for-one class possibility on your hands. Perhaps there is a class on woman-oriented foreplay he can attend. Because no matter how your body responds now, that is not going to hold up if your head and heart don't start getting involved. This is the first blushes of romance -- pretty much a stiff breeze is going to get you a little gushy. :-)

Still, there are gentle ways for talk about these sensitive issues. Bottom line, you both want to offer pleasure to the other -- his style seems to be to make a joke out of it. I'm sorry that you feel doubts about your skills or abilities in this. That's his bad for communicating a message like that to you. What the truth is, he's a different person than the other guys and has a different style that gets him where he wants to go. It's his job to tell you what he needs.

When I would get like you're feeling about dating and I was seeing my old counselor, he kept trying to suggest that I attend Love Addicts Anonymous meetings. I don't know if that would be something (since you mentioned seeing a counselor -- and you're familiar with the 12-step program methods) you would be interested in. I looked it up on the web... http://loveaddicts.org/ Just a suggestion of a tool -- not a diagnosis, okay? :-)

I just hate to see you beat yourself up, feel bad or doubt yourself or your situation. There really is no need to. It's actually OK to stay home on a Saturday night, even if you don't have exciting plans that rival his. It's not a competition. I felt myself getting sucked into that vortex with E. this past weekend. So there I was dragging BK out to the movies (well, I had two motives there, I didn't want to spend all day by myself and I wanted to see BK.) At the same time, I told E. that I went to the movies with BK and then spent an exciting Saturday evening alone where I fell asleep on my couch by 10:30, only to wake up at 1:30 and start messing with my cable stuff and reprogramming my TiVo. lol

I'm not saying that lying to G. about your Saturday was bad, because it isn't going to hurt him in the long run. It's just a fib. But on you, though, it's hurting you. Be careful of you, okay?

This is a really disjointed e-mail. I hope that what comes across is that I care about you, that I'm upset to hear that you're upset and I want you to know that I am available to support you. Lord knows you've been there for me!

Friday is going to be fun. I guess the program is about his new book, "It's Called a Break Up Because You're Broken Up" or something like that. I'm sure there will be tidbits of the "He's Not that Into You" as well. It should be a blast. And I'm looking forward to seeing you!

One of the ladies at work just brought in a puppy her son rescued in Eastern Washington. He's a black puppy with a white spot on his chest who is part lab and part chow. He is SOOOOOOO cute - just 5 weeks old, and all licky kisses and puppy nibbles. Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Sending puppy kisses and a big hug your way!