E. Novella - Letter to a Friend

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 3:47 pm

Hi, L.S.,

I wanted to write this in its own e-mail. It’s a long one – you know me and the play-by-play, blow-by-blow I’m famous for. This, seriously, is the only thing that kept me awake in class today.

I realize that you may not even be in a good enough place to read this. First, ahead of anything, take care of you. I just got your e-mail back on the G. situation, and haven’t had a chance to read it. I’m going to now. Here’s my story…

Yes, I did stay over at E.'s last night. I had included him in that joint e-mail of Cal's photo and the cat/dog diary. He wrote right back (which is unprecedented -- as was writing to me at work). So I wrote back. And he wrote back again! Which led to a phone call on my part and an invitation to come over on his part. It was totally spur of the moment – I had no idea this would happen. All day I struggled mightily with myself on the whole issue of staying all night – would I or wouldn’t I? Would he even ask me to? He did (well, he asked me if I was going to stay the night or not), and I did, and I think my subconscious played tricks on me all night with my dreams.

There were some good things that arose out of last night. He stayed dressed in his real estate garb for me, so that he was all pretty in his nice pants, flashy tie and white shirt. And, yes, he did it just for me. He talked a lot about his goals and where he's going with his real estate, and his excitement was so contagious.

The best part of that excitement is that it was all natural – not related to smoking. In fact, he is going to stop smoking. He doesn't have any more herb in his place and he doesn't plan on buying anymore. He realizes that he gets a lot more done when he doesn't do it.

What amazes and excites me is that he keeps me involved in this decision, that it's important for me to know what he's doing -- almost like he's seeking my approval. I'm just glad that he's going to stop. That it's becoming important enough for him -- that he and his future are important enough for him -- to take this big step. That's the friend in me, as well as the girlfriend in me, the person who only wants the best for him, even if that doesn't involve me.

We made dinner together, which I always enjoy, and I'm feeling like he is way more comfortable/settled about than I am. Now he just takes for granted that I'm going to help (i.e. take a VERY active part in) prepare dinner. I get my assignment, and he has his. He's much less self-conscious and awkward with me there than before we implemented "the break." To me his behavior feels like it's just natural that I'm there and that we've been together for a long, long time. I don't know if I'm communicating this very well to you.

To illustrate…

We made spaghetti for dinner. While we were making dinner, he asked me to get the parmesan cheese out of the fridge, then said something like, "I don't know if you're down for that type of thing." (Meaning he didn’t know if I liked putting parmesan cheese on my pasketti). I laughed and reminded him that I was Italian. He laughed and said, "Yes, I know." Then he said something like, "I've been keeping a watch in my rear-view mirrors for black cars lately. I keep thinking I'm seeing them following me."

It took a sec for me to realize he was teasing me about having mafia ties, and that I might have called them in to put a hurting on him.

I laughed and asked him if he felt like he deserved to be hurt. He just laughed. Then I said that I had ties to the Russian mob too, so he ought to be doubly cautious. Wink Wink. I told him about the call that D. (my Russian bodybuilder) made on Christmas Eve and the nice things he said. E. thought that was really nice of D., and then said, "So I'm sure you told him everything that happened with us and he offered to beat me up."

I didn't deny it. Because D. actually had... jokingly.

I thought that it was so interesting that E. would bring any of this up -- that he deserved to be "taken out" or "beat up." We hadn't spoken of the "break" at any time. This was the closest we had come. Weird, huh? It really caught me off guard – but at the same time was strangely relieving.

Now that he has this new couch, he has these little TV tables that he uses. It struck me as funny, and I made the comment, as I was setting up my table, “Look at us. We’re like the old married folks at home.” He laughed. We ate. We took our plates into the kitchen and he asked if I was okay with just watching some TV and chilling. We tried to watch TV after that. I say it like that because it felt so awkward and uncomfortable to me. I honestly don’t know if he felt weird or not. He was all reclined (his couch has these secret recliners on each end) and I was kinda curled up in the middle of the sofa. He reminded me that my end of the couch reclined too.

We watched That 70’s Show and then the show after that is called “Stacked,” the Pamela Anderson sit-com. We started watching this and I laughed a little, but the show is totally stupid and formulaic. E. asked me, “Is this working for you?” Where all the places my head was at, I couldn’t exactly figure out what the “this” is that he was referring to, so I asked if he meant the TV show. He did, and I was honest and said it wasn’t. He took it upon himself to find Law & Order Criminal Intent and CSI – and asked me which one I wanted to watch. Mind you, he doesn’t watch either, but he knows I like those shows.

I don’t know why this is so important to me to point out to you. Maybe to try to point out the little things he does for me that show me he cares and pays attention. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s part of the reason that I like him. It’s the weird little surprises.

He watched the rest of the CSI show with me and then had a few things that he needed to do before we went to bed. He was careful to tell me what it was and how long it would take so I wouldn’t feel ignored or awkward or whatever.

But you see, for me, I still feel awkward, I still feel uncomfortable and scared and waiting for the other shoe to drop -- and it takes every effort I have to come across as nonchalant. Trust issues, man. The only time I feel in control and confident is when we're having sex.

Warning Warning --- explicit content to follow --- Warning Warning

Speaking of... THAT was REALLY weird last night. He had a total oral fixation last night and it turned out to be the only way he could climax. The only time he could keep an erection was the first time we had sex, and that sex was mutually oral (if ya know what I mean). The two other times we tried to have sex, he could get hard, but not stay hard. The first time, we started with the mutual oral again (he LOVES this -- dreams about it -- writes to me about it) and then moved on to me on top. It was going okay until I could feel him soften up. He joked, "It seems we have a rhythm problem here."

Now, between you and me, I'm not overly fond of the woman on top position with him because I don't really feel very much and because of the awkwardness of movement between us (hence, the rhythm problem). He likes this position, like most men, so I indulge him because he indulges me on what I like.

Well, we haven't had the go-soft issue before. We laughed a little about the rhythm comment and I told him if he didn't like the way I was moving, then he should grab me or tell me what to do (this is kinda hot, if it's done right). I don't remember him saying anything to that. I asked him if he felt distracted, and he admitted that he was. He wasn't happy about going soft and was very apologetic. We tried to get going again, but it wasn't really happening, so I suggested we just go to sleep. Again, he kept saying he was sorry. I'm sure you already know how kind and understanding and comforting I was to him about that – I hate it when people feel bad.

But, inside I was having nigglies. The nigglies came in the form of, "I don't excite him anymore. He doesn't like me enough to want to have face-to-face, intercourse type sex anymore. He's disconnecting. He's distancing." Basically, I was making it all about me.

Yet, all night long, he stayed closed to me. Pressed up to me in one way or another. Whenever I moved, he would ask if I was okay (later I found out he was doing this in his sleep because he didn't remember doing it.) In the morning, he always asks how I slept, and I was honest and told him sporadically, because I had weird dreams all night. Then I always ask him how he slept, and he said great. But he woke up with his back hurting really bad. He cuddled into me and asked if I'd be disappointed if we didn't have sex. At first I was my usual, "No, it's okay," and then I added, "Well, honestly, yeah I would be, but I understand and it's okay."

Again he was all apologetic. This only brought up some issues for me -- and these are my own issues, not any he's placed on me. My issue goes something like, he thinks I'm only there to get laid and he thinks that I expect him to perform on demand. And if he doesn't, then I'll think less of him and he thinks less of himself. The primary issue being that I'm just there to get laid. Round and round.

I offered to rub his back for him and he accepted and I actually made him feel better. He cuddled up into me again and when his hand accidentally brushed against me “down there,” he said, "I better not do that, don't want to get you excited for nothing." Much more cuddling ensued, along with pillow talk and a lot of "I don't want to get ups..." Then he decided he needed to check what time it was.

5:10.

That made me realize he had set the alarm to factor in “play time.” What’s the big deal with that, you may ask. Well, here again, is another example of him listening to me and doing what I ask/suggest. The night before, when he was setting his alarm, I had asked him if he had included play time in the wakeup time. At the time he said that he hadn't, and then didn't say anything more, like adding a, "but I will now." He just did it.
I couldn’t help but comment, "Wow, we still have a little time left before we have to get up. You gave us some play time."

He said, "A little birdie told me to." Which only reinforced to me that he really does listen, remember and will do what I ask for IF I ask for it.

Then while he was laying on his back (after checking the time), he suddenly says, "Look what's getting hard."

The man totally blows my mind. Maybe what fascinates me most is that just when I think I know what to expect, he does something different.

So, we started up with having sex. Despite his hurting back (which he told me I DID make feel better) and his stuffed up head (he doesn't like to have sex when his head is stuffed up because it gives him a headache) he tries, and tries and tries. He stayed hard (at least more so than the night before) but I could tell he was totally somewhere else. He kept trying to pull himself back to me – to the moment. He'd hug onto me tight or give me some direction or something that would turn him on, but then in no time, off he'd go.

He was so incredibly frustrated by it. He kept saying, "I don't know why I do this. I don't know what's going on."

I gave him all the reassurances of reminding him how much he'd been in to-do mode for the last few days. For those days it had been all about getting ten million things done. It's difficult to shut that off. (I also thought to myself… not to mention that he isn't using the marijuana to shut that off.) I don't know if he was buying it despite his murmurings of maybe.

Despite my reassurances to him, my nigglies were back with a vengeance. Which inspired me to do the thing I just hate about myself. The whole say something to test-the-waters, snarky type of thing. I said, "Maybe it's because you just don't like me anymore."

I honestly can't remember if he said anything after that – maybe he said something like, “you think so?” But I really don’t know, I was so mad at myself and fearful of the response. We were already rousing ourselves to get moving, so the only thing I remember him saying for sure is "I need to get in the shower."

I could just kick myself because I just can't help but fill him full of new ideas to consider why he wouldn't want to be with me. Why do I do that? Why do I want to self-sabotage? Is it a need for control of the situation? Since I don’t know when the end is coming, maybe I should just bring it on. You know what I’m talking about?

While he was in the shower I made the bed and fixed him a cup of coffee so it was waiting for him on the counter. He expressed his appreciation of these things. By this time I was already dressed, had checked the traffic cams and was sipping on my own cup. This morning was no where NEAR the level of awkward or cold that Saturday morning was. It was actually pretty friendly and relaxed and the only thing lacking was setting a time when we would see each other next.

I know pretty much everything he’s got going on for the next few days. Friday’s his dad’s birthday. Saturday he’s working. Sunday he has an open house at this million dollar home in Newcastle. He's really excited about that and that this mortgage guy will be coming by to work the open house with him and strategize how to move his business forward. I may be stopping by, but then again, I may not. He's supposed to call me. My nigglies have me doubting he’ll want me there, that I’ll be a distraction or worse yet, an embarrassment (my feeling-scared issue, not his). Either way, I’m not getting my hopes up.

All in all, this get-together was a lot less upsetting and/or emotional than Friday's hockey game. While we were pillow-talking, he said we needed to take some pictures sometime. So I know he's still got “future thought” going on. Yet he gets a little cagey when it comes to actually firming up those plans. It almost makes me laugh, actually -- it's like I’m watching this from far away or something.

I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to say with this whole e-mail. I think part of what I’m saying is that I’m confused (in a good way) and intrigued and a little pissy and a little scared and yet I’m okay. I think that if it ended today, I would be more okay with it than I was earlier this week.

While I would like to know what’s going on here, like is the break over or what? I’m okay.

I think I told you about this in so much detail is that, as usual, I’m interested in your thoughts, your impressions. I realize that you are probably not in any place to want to even comment on this. That’s what made me hesitate, and then type this in its own e-mail. Please get back to me when you can.

Thank you for being there for me. You are such a special person. God bless!

L.K.