1/18/2006 Novella to L.S.

I’m not sure where I left off in my E. saga. Saga… That’s funny. Sometimes it is that, and sometimes it’s just a thing that’s going on. Right now it feels a little like a saga ‘cause I’m waiting for a phone call….

Anyway, I think I left off with spending the night with him last Wednesday. Thursday was a non-event day, except for the novella I wrote to you from my class. Friday, we did a bunch of back and forths on e-mail (he’s still writing back to me when I send him stuff from my work address – that still blows my mind somewhat…) Mostly the back and forths were on this fantasy that I had devised while sitting in that horrible class. It was something that incorporated him dressed in his real estate garb and the sex we had in the car the night we went to the hockey game.

He wrote that he wanted me to send it and then he would talk dirty to me (okay, I’ve warned you that we’re pervs). I thought he was going to call me to do the dirty talking but he meant he was going to write it back to me, so when we figured out our mis-communication, he finished with a “Oh, I guess I can’t get that detailed here, huh?” And I said to send it to my home address because I wanted to hear what he had to say. I eventually sent it to him, and then waited for the response. I went out with the girls Friday night and hoped to return to a message, no message.

Just to remind you of our story so far, I was waiting for, but not really expecting him to call me on the whole Sunday open house/did he want me to stop by. Well, surprise, surprise… E. called me Saturday to check in during the afternoon and caught me while I was in the middle of the nightmare that is Bestbuy.com and their in-store order pickup. By the time he reached me, I was about 2 hours into the nightmare and so mad I could spit (or cry - -which is the more likely response). When I told him I felt like crying, he was all, "Oh hunny, just leave it there..." (It is referring to a boombox radio for my satellite radio that I was picking up for him to use at the open house to listen to his Chicago Bears football game JUST IN CASE he asked me over… Doh!) Anyway, the call felt more like old times -- the checking in part. And he told me he'd call back later. Which he did. And wanted me to come over "to hang out."

I had to turn him down because I had a date. He didn't know about the date -- just the turn down. (J. from New Years' was the date). So we made arrangements to meet up Sunday for his open house. He was holding an open house at one of the million dollar homes on the hill in Newcastle. I brought over a radio -- not the one that took me three hours to get – oh no! It seems that XM radio that I have does NOT have NFL football – SIRIUS satellite has it. So I brought him my good ol’ standard KJR 950-capable boom box for him to listen to the football game. I got there early so that we could take some photos of him in front of one of the REALLY expensive homes in the neighborhood -- to update his website.

I wore an outfit like what I had described in my fantasy (classy and dressed up a bit, just in case you were wondering, ha ha ha!). Unfortunately, he hadn't read the fantasy! He has some sort of weird virus that keeps coming back and it got in the way of him clicking on the attachment. He's not all that savvy with the computer -- at least that's what he likes me to believe. But then, I have had to rescue him from a few things. :-)

I stayed around for a couple hours at the open house, and he had a pretty good turnout. I had to pretend I was an interested buyer when people came through. He really gets into the whole role-playing. So my back-story was that I was moving here from San Francisco, only in town for the week to check out house, from the area originally, extended family visits often, and I might have to consider moving my dad in with me (this was to explain my looking at such a LARGE house). He would talk loudly to me while we played out our "story" for the other look-ee-lous -- so that he could give them time to browse the house on their own while he displayed his excellent customer skills with me! What a hoot.

We had a very enlightening conversation between visitors. Apparently I am the only person he talks to, or has talked to about his "herbal habits..." He never spoke to the woman he dated before me about it. I learned some things about him that I didn't know. Some of the demons he struggles with -- and they somewhat explain why he respects and seeks out the approval of older women so much (the people he respects the most at his office are the women there).

We made plans for me to go over to his place later that night, after the open house and after he took care of some things at his dad's place. My visit over there was rather interesting. Between the conversation at the open house and the conversation we had later at his place, I was pretty direct with my questions and statements. I even brought up the whole "what are we doing here" subject, and he didn't have any better of an answer than I have. There was alot of stuff discussed and it showed me he has given a lot of thought to different "issues" that were brought up when he decided we needed a break.

One of the issues that he has definitely put some thought into is the whole younger women thing. We touched on it very briefly at the open house when I made some comment about one of the quarterbacks of the game only being 23 years old. He says, ‘Well that’s right in your age range.”

And I replied, “No, E., that’s more your age range. Or maybe even a bit older. Hmmm? How is that going for you anyway?”

He just said, “It’s not. I never did anything about it.” And then he was saved by some people coming to look at the house.

Back at his place later that night, we were having some serious performance issues on his end. Now, first off, I have to give the guy super high fives because he finished me off with a big O that was HUUUUUUUUGE. I’m talking earth shattering. But when it came time for his turn, it just couldn’t stay hard. This led to our further talks. He asked me how Hot or Not was treating me. I told him it’s treating me pretty well, how about for you? He said, it’s okay. That he pretty much just talks to this woman from Jordan – oh, but there’s a new one from Ohio.

I make the comment that, “well, they’re getting closer.” Then I asked why he never took his profile down while we were dating, and he didn’t really know why. I asked if it was to keep his options open, and he said, no, it was nothing like that. I asked him if he wanted Hot or Not to be treating me well, and he asked me why I would ask something like that. I just looked at him and said, “E., what are we doing here?” He looked back at me and said he didn’t know. We just looked into each other’s eyes for a really long time. (This conversation is taking place while we’re lying on the bed after the performance complications). I thought I’d just plunge on forward and said, “What is the appeal of younger women for you? What do they represent for you?”

He surprised me with his answer. “Well, younger women have less experience.” And that just makes me want to say to him, and YOU would be interested in that?!?! But then he continued with, “Older women know what they want and are able to tell you what they want. They aren’t afraid to say what they want. With younger women, they look to you to be their sole source of entertainment – you’re their whole life. I just don’t have time to sit around and be that. Older women have a life.”

I stopped him here and asked if he thought I was someone who looked to him for my sole source of entertainment. He says, “I didn’t say that.” And I said, I realized that, but I’m asking if I was like that for him. He said, “No, YOU have a life. Otherwise this would have never come this far.”

So why that surprised me is that he’s really giving this whole thing a lot of thought. The “Why do I always use the younger woman thing as my escape clause” type of thinking. Of course he had to provide me with the answer I was expecting all along. But they do have those bodies that they like to show off. :-p

One other part of our conversation I wanted to touch on was when I told him, after we both determined we had no idea what were doing there, I said, “Well, whatever happens going forward, things will be different. They’ll have to be. For one thing, I need to tell you what I want, because whenever I did, you did it.”

“Well, yeah, how else am I supposed to know what you want?”

I told him that there was a lot about me that he didn’t know, that I was afraid to share. He said he figured I had secrets and that I would tell them to him if I wanted. That he DID want to know about me, but there must be some reason that I wasn’t comfortable telling him and that I would in my own time. Although he did wonder why I was bringing it up at that moment (he looked at me like I was about to tell him I used to be a man, or maybe I was pregnant or something! Hahahaha)

I so want to tell him about me, L.S., but I’m terrified. This is like a huge weight on me that stresses me out to no end.

I stayed over night and tried to head off that whole cold shoulder/awkwardness that sets in when he's preparing for work. He was doing his thing all grim-faced and I would smile each time I passed him or he passed me -- with no smile back. Finally I said, "You could smile, it's all right to smile." That seemed to relax him and he did smile and our morning felt a little easier. I decided to throw all caution to the wind and ask if we could watch the Seahawks game together. His friend C. (who he hasn't seen in a while, he explained) already asked him, so... That led me to ask if he was going to make time for me sometime on the weekend or during the week. He started in on his whole to-do list: working on Saturday, and maybe an open house on Sunday or the Seahawks, blah blah blah. And he's getting his motorcycle from Chicago that he'll want to ride -- he needs his practice, you understand...

I said, I realize that and that I was asking for his “after dark” time. I’d already factored in the other stuff. See, I'm gooooooood. And relentless. What have I got to lose, right? So I start in on Saturday, "well I might be taking my dad to the movie for his birthday…" Okay, Friday? "Well I have plans for Friday…. Thursday will work, yeah, Thursday. And then I'll have to get back to you on the weekend."

He's got to check which day is better for his dad, Friday or Saturday -- so he didn't want to commit to one or the other, it's his dad's birthday after all.

So, Thursday it is! I even made sure he wrote it down on his little white board of things to do on what days for the week. I told you, relentless.

We had a sweet parting. But somehow, all the stuff we talked about (but without resolution -- it was really just ideas thrown out why things might be the way they are, blah blah blah) caught up with me. That and the 2-4 hours of sleep I got that night (I don't sleep well over at his place most of the time) just opened the flood gates and I was pretty emotional all day Monday. I don't know if it was my intuition kicking me in the butt, or the overwhelming emotional release of staying so "together" the night before. I was a mess. But I didn't call or anything.

Well, I did e-mail him the fantasy, ha ha ha, because he asked for it. And I edited the photos I took of him Sunday, printed them out but did not e-mail them. Those are my ransom, I suppose. So far he has forgotten they even exist! No response on the fantasy and I tried not to let it bother me. I worked out and that seemed to take the edge off the hurt and fear that was crushing me -- at least temporarily. But by the time I got to work Tuesday, I was a walking anxiety ball. Picture Taz from Looney Toons, you know, when he's all whirly. That was me. I just KNEW he was going to call or write or tell me that he'd thought about it, and Thursday just wasn't a good idea. In fact, we should just put an end to all of this.

Either that, or I'd show up Thursday, and I'd get that "I have something serious to say" after I arrived. Know what I’m saying? Do you think I’m ever going to get over this? Geez…

Tuesdays I have my counseling appointment, and as I was pulling in to the parking lot of my counselor’s office I heard my phone beep. I had it on a quiet setting so that it won't ring while I’m at work, but it beeps once and vibrates to let me know I have a call or message. The display showed I had missed a call and that I had a new message. I checked the call log and saw that the call was from E. I quickly listened to the message and it was basically, "Hi, it's E. It's 4:00. Give me a call when you get the time." His tone was cold and abrupt. Instantly, I was shaking cold and then hot at the same time and I literally could see, hear and feel my heart beating out of my chest.

I was already a little bit late to my appointment (we usually start late anyway) and I had a quick debate with myself whether or not to call him back. I figured, I had better call, find out what it was about for a couple of reasons. One, I wouldn't be able to listen to a single word my counselor said because my mind would be tripping on the call, working out all the possible permutations (ALL of them bad, of course). Reason two, I could hear what E. wanted and be all prepared with a parachute (talking with Leanne) if it was BAD.

So I called and he just wanted to let me know that Thursday wasn't going to work because he had to meet with a real estate client. But he did want to see me sometime that weekend. So would I call him back later that night when I had time to talk and we could set something up? The real estate client in question is the soon-to-be-ex-wife of one of his best friends and this is a meeting that might lead to him listing their house – something he’s been trying to set up since before the holidays. I already knew how important this meeting was too him and appreciated the importance of it, so I wasn’t devastated about not having Thursday with E. Also, he still wanted to get together – I was totally expecting him to just leave it as, “Well, sorry, it just didn’t work out for this week. I’ll call ya.”

The adrenaline rush of the blah phone message and then the adrenaline crash that followed the actual conversation, as short as it was, was so overwhelming. I was so glad that I had my appointment to go to (which, by the way, late as I was, I still had to WAIT for her to show up!) This is so whacky.

My appointment went extra long and made me have to reschedule my training appointment with P. (scheduled for 6:30), but I was still able to go to my massage appointment (7:00). Can you say overbooked? I was planning on working out after my massage appointment, but the masseuse say, nugatory! I was disappointed not to get to workout. My workouts have been a little sporadic this past week, and I think that has contributed to the emotional ups and downs as well as not getting near enough sleep. I’m in a manic phase, L.S. It’s kinda freaking me out.

By the time I was finished with my massage appointment, I was seeing the world through new eyes. I was pretty centered and "untouchable" if that makes sense. I had my strength back for when I talked to E. when I got home. Even though I still didn’t have the “which day of the weekend” figured out (we determined he would know which day to get together after he talked with his dad Wednesday, since his motorcycle coming from Chicago would be delivered that day and since it is being stored at his dad’s place, he would be able to talk to his dad and determine which day they’re going to the movie.)

E. let me know that he will be hosting an open house at the same fancy-schmancy place on Sunday. I asked him if he would need my radio again. He told me his dad had a radio he could borrow, but he was quick to assure me that that didn't mean he didn't want to use MY radio, he just didn't want me putting myself out again to go there... LOL He’s getting a little more sensitive on how what he says and does might have a negative effect on me. Hmmm, that’s a nice improvement, huh?

So, I go into Wednesday with all of that hanging up in the air, and I still wasn't ruffled. I was actually feeling pretty good. Amazing. I'm okay. I'm really enjoying this okay feeling. It may be short-lived, but I'm all over it! Being pretty busy at work has helped too. The only, un-okay feeling I’ve been feeling is incredibly irritable and short-tempered here at work. It’s like my fuse is really short and if someone oversteps even just a little, ZAPPO!

Wednesday night I was SORT of expecting to get a call from him. I was tied up on the phone with, at one time, three people at the same time – one I was already on a call with, two others calling at the same time. The call I was on was with D., this guy I met a few weeks ago just once, but we talk daily practically – although he stopped talking to me when I started spending more time with E. – despite us only being friends (and that’s what we would only ever be.) D. was having some stalker drama (where he was the stalker – long story…) I was trying to talk him down off the ledge.

Caller number two is this adorable cutie named C., C. for short. He is a pilot, 6’3”, blue eyes. 29. Totally hilarious and a smarty pants. Sigh… We’re meeting up on Saturday at noon at a Starbucks near where I live. We’ve been corresponding for a few weeks now. Caller number three is Z., who I will be leaving here soon to meet at my watering hole, the Yarrow Bay Beach Café. Z. lives near S. He’s 27 or 28 and also a funny man. I sent him a text message to tell him what I’m wearing. He sent me back a message that says he’s wearing a purple plaid leisure suit. Gotta love a funny guy.

All this talking made me late for my 7:45 appointment with P. I worked out, helped P. with some stuff on the Internet, rode the bike for 45 minutes and then headed out to the car expecting to find a “missed call” from E. I even had my whole, respond the next morning in an e-mail like he does scenario going. Of course, whenever I plot something underhanded or mean, I never get to act on it! No message on my phone or e-mail. I was a little annoyed, but only because I needed to know which night so that I could juggle my “boys.” Lol

I still didn’t have a message from him this morning so I decided to call him at noon. Had to leave a message, of course, and you KNOW how much I adore doing that. NOT! Well, he called me back at about 3:00 and was pretty chatty. All about his day, the game-plan for the meeting with D.’s soon-to-be-ex… The man just doesn’t know how to control himself when he begins to put his foot in his mouth about maybe having to flirt with her, how the girls at the bank all have crushes on him, and it’s not like he exactly flirts with them because he’s not sexually attracted to them or anything… GRIEF!

Bottom line, he is coming over to my place on Saturday night. He suggested coming to my place and staying the night. “But, remember, I’m going to have to leave early the next morning…” (open house). “Oh and all these people are going to come by the open house. My dad, some friends. Even K. might stop by…” K. is the ex. I’m reading this as his way of telling me that I’m not welcome at the open house this time around. Maybe I’m just taking it personally when it doesn’t have anything to do with me. I do seem to have a problem that way. I’m going to believe it was meant to discourage me from stopping by. But you can be sure I will be clarifying that Saturday.

Again, he was really chatty and stayed on the phone with me for 15 minutes. I even had to ask him to wait a minute while I talked with someone here (one of the CITY COUNCIL MEMBERS!!!! Stopped by to introduce herself to me since I’m the administrative support for her committee). How embarrassing is that to be caught on your CELL phone chatting at work by a Council Member! Oy! Anyway, the shocker of that was that he didn’t just tell me he had to go when I asked him to wait a sec. That is totally E. modus operendi. Not this time. He told me he would call me tomorrow and firm up a time on Saturday.

Why do I feel skeptical about that call? ;-) I hate feeling all snarky and doubtful about this. It’s my natural inclination. My desire is to take it with a grain of salt and if he calls, he calls. If he doesn’t, I know he’ll call Saturday. He just may have to get my voice mail if I’m all tied up with Mr. C. :-p

I tell ya, L.S. I think about what you said in your last e-mail. How you’re committed to making the best of your relationship with G. That that is where your heart is – not in meeting new people. I was totally there before the break. I don’t know if I can get there again. Sometimes I enjoy and look forward to meeting these new people. Other times… Well it just hurts my heart. Tonight and Saturday, I’m looking forward to it. Still… I feel like I’m putting bad energy out there in the universe – that if I truly wanted things to work with E., I wouldn’t be venturing out this way. I wonder if the universe will punish me big time.

I think the truth is that I will punish myself with feeling bad about myself.

That is the long and the short of it. Well, there really isn’t all that much that’s short about what I wrote! Ha ha ha I do my best to view this with open eyes. To see what is before me, not what I WANT to be in front of me. I see changes, both good and bad, in E. The bad would be the feeling of “distance” between us when we’re together – actual physical distance that doesn’t get closed unless we’re having sex – and even then, it seems separate somehow (this is where the performance issues seem to present themselves.) I hope that we will work toward some truce within and between ourselves. We are both so protective of ourselves. I see him keeping distant to protect me, but also to make sure he’s doing the best he can to believe that he is not leading me on in any way. I don’t know if this is the case, but that is what I feel. My feelings are sometimes dead on (there’s that whole intuition thing going for me) but sometimes they are purposefully skewed to make me feel the worst I possibly can.

Okay, it’s time for me to meet Z. I haven’t really had time to re-read this and edit for clarity or whatever. So you’re getting the unabridged dump. :-)

How was your Thursday night?

Love, LK