Sent: Wed 11/30/2005 12:14 PMFrom: LSSubject: The next installment :)You are so funny. It's only Wed and already I'm behind on this saga. I can't believe it.I don't know how much I'll get off to you but I'm gonna work at it for now.
Okay let's see, first of all -- have you talked to P.?How is he? Hope everything's okay with him and him not showing up.
I have called in both days this week and that's kinda got me down cuz I really need to go. EsPESHally after last night oh my gawd!! It was brought to my attention ten fold that I need to do mega cardio and work my leg muscles to be able to comfortably dance!! I was so winded, it was almost embarrassing. Thank God the music was loud LOL .. and then my quads and thighs were just not helping me at all. I felt very sluggish. BUT! It was kick butt fun. I had the best time.
I think though that R. is probably not interested in me any more than as a dance partner. We did dance a lot and we do get along well, I think, but he drops little bombs about how girls he meets at McCabe's always think that dancing means he's interested and that it's not usually the case ... so I am gonna read into that one and go with it. It's good to know that from the get-go so I don't make a fool out of myself or anything. He's still good company and a good dancer, I'll take it for what it's worth! I think I'll pass him on the skills level pretty quickly and then if we are still getting along we can challenge each other to be better dancers. I think it will be a good thing.
My new boy S. wanted us to take a train down to Portland on Sunday so we could spend the day together playing cribbage and listening to music and talking :) I thought it sounded fabulous but the times are just not gonna work out. How creative is that though, not like any other "first date" I've ever been on. Having him want to spend that kind of quality time with me - not driving, just sitting nearby talking to me for hours & hours - was a real boost for my ego. Now mind you, we haven't met yet :) He may change his mind. I can admit I'm a pretty thing but I am heavier than some people are comfortable with, and that's his prerogative. He's 40 and has started doing little tri-athalons so he's taking good care of himself and has physical fitness goals he wants to meet. I don't have much of that in my lazy life :) but never know, maybe he will inspire me to do some of that. Or not. Who knows, we may not have any chemistry.
We are going to meet Friday night for coffee someplace in Queen Anne (his dad lives there and he has to go over to drop something off there) and maybe play cribbage then. Heck he'll be right by my house .. I can invite him to come over if I want to spend MORE time with him LOL
The coffee guy, B., has been curiously quiet this week. We were supposed to be getting together for sushi, and I thought he was going to call me - but I haven't heard from him. I sent him an IM asking if everything was alright with him and he sent one back saying, I'm good! How are you? .... whatever dude .. This week is already hectic so I guess that ain't gonna happen. I was a little surprised because he seemed relatively intent on keeping in touch and getting together this week. Sushi was his idea, too. Oh well :) I'm so new at boy-juggling, I think maybe I would have screwed it up anyway.
G. has his quarter final today and the whole idiotic gang from school is going out to Morton's to celebrate, go figure .. he told me yesterday he's thinking he might not go home for Christmas, since he has to have some dental work done maybe he'll just do that during the break and stay up here. That would be interesting - I hadn't even considered that he might be around. Of course my little mind went straight to a Hallmark moment of us having Christmas together and I thought, CHAH that'll never happen LOL He then smashed that little idea to shreds when he told me he might drive out to Montana to spend the holiday with friends out there he hasn't seen in a long time. So, you see, it's all just yappy yap and only God knows what will happen by then LOL ... the other night it seemed awfully intimate, LKK .. afterwards when he had his arms all wrapped around me tight and was kind of playing with my head with his chin, it was really really strange to me. I have been burned by the whole "reading in" thing with him anyway but you know that just felt to me like, how could this not be meaningful to you?!?!?!!? You know what I mean?? When I woke up suddenly and was all "I gotta go!!" he asked me if I was sure I had to leave. Maybe he was just sleepy talking but it seemed pretty real to me.
I have to run!! LOL
Abrupt break - your turn!
Sent: Wed 11/30/2005 12:21 PMFrom: LKKSubject: RE: The next installment :)Happy Hump Day. And I'm so excited to report that the nickname for the day will actually come to fruition for this silly girl. :-) zippity doo dah yay
Okay, as per usual, I've written a whopper. So it is attached. Hope you have some time on your hands! :-)
What's on the agenda for you tonight?
What follows is the Word Attachment I sent to LS:Thank you for the update. You know, the first thing that comes to mind when I read your last paragraph is.... I gotta have a talk with that guy. Jeez McGeez. Talk about mixed signals. Hmmmm.
Now I TOTALLY do not want to get your hopes up, so please don't think I'm going anywhere beyond presenting another possible interpretation of some of G.'s musings. Here's the thing I've found in my communications with men. They will ask me what I've got going on for no other reason than to make conversation. I ALWAYS think they're subtly asking me if I'm going to be available at a certain time (i.e. the weekend). But, 9 times out of 10, it's just to make conversation. Because then they'll go on to describe what they've got going on. Ooooh that bugs me.
The other thing I wanted to touch on was the whole not going to California for Christmas, and maybe I'll go to Montana blah blah blah that he's yapping about. I don't know G. well enough, but if he's anything like alot of people, they like to hear their ideas out loud. They aren't necessarily going to do them, they're just "trying out" the idea. That doesn't mean that if they hear a different idea posed by someone else that they wouldn't be open to it. ;-) Sometimes they just need options.
I think that's a great attitude that you've got about the R. situation. I think it would be great to have dance nights to look forward to with him. And I like to hear your competition gene kicking into gear. ;-) When you approach the dance nights as nothing more than fun times, you take all the pressure off both of you -- him to resist (if that is what he is doing -- just going by what you told me your gut told you) and you to wonder, what if... Doesn't mean you can't dress to impress. The thing is, when you are having fun, it shows. And you never know who's watching. ;-)
And the train idea is so creative and romantic. What a cool sounding idea. I think what you are actually going to do is a better idea for the first meet-up. What if, when you met him, you didn't really even like his energy (or he was like that obnoxious guy who took you to the M's game this summer). Then you would be stuck with him for something like 6 hours. This way, you'll have less pressure and still a fun activity (that you're playing cribbage, very cool). Then, if you two hit it off, who's to say you can't still do a train trip like that? :-) See, I'm always thinking... hee hee
And then there's B. Sushi B. You know, I am sooooo hearing you on the whole, "why didn't he set the sushi thing up when he was so gung ho about it... yada yada yada...." It's that loose end that's eating at ya. The not understanding human behavior. Aaaaaannnnnnndddd then there's the ego. Dadblasted ego. It doesn't matter that you're not totally into him, but, dammit, he better be totally into you!!!! :-) Am I at least a little bit right on that? :-) I'm totally with ya, sista, so I'm not judgin'. I'm simply the preached-at choir.
Boy juggling is an art that I certainly haven't mastered either. I so totally fail the Cosmo chick expectations. I'm terrible at the game playing, the promiscuity, the blow-offs, the whole fun, fabulous, terribly busy. Sigh. I think I'm okay being who I am. And I think you're okay being who you are. It's okay not to be good jugglers. What do we lose out on? Maybe we don't have as many dates. I think the gains (not having to come up with excuses when one guy wants to take you out and you already have plans with another guy...) are good enough. It's about what's going on inside of you, what you can live with and love yourself with -- not so much what Cosmo says is cool. Frankly, I'd rather be dorky ol' socially challenged me than a Cosmo lemming. Don't get me wrong, some of the bedroom tips are worth checking out... :-) But being true to you is so much more "OK" than selling your soul to be cool. Just my opinion.
On my end of things... I'm headed to E.'s tonight. I didn't get my phone call that was not exactly promised to me, but he said he would call and he didn't. That set me off on one of my anxiety/frustration/payback rollercoaster rides. I hate that type of behavior (the not calling doo-doo -- especially when I get the whole, "I'll call you tomorrow, will that work for you?" I mean, I got the confirmation question. Geez!!!!!I sent him an e-mail which let him know I was hanging by a thread to hear how the whole condo conversation went on Monday night that interrupted OUR call -- that I need the info... the 4-1-1. Then I also alluded to certain things I want to do with him... but ended with the whole, "but it looks like I'll have to take matters into my own hands...." I got an e-mail back this morning that didn't tell me about the condo but did say, "I really think you're great..." (here is, when I first read it, that I expected to read a big ol' BUT in the next line, but instead I got an AND...) as in "and I can't wait until we meet again."
Hmmm. That is probably the most warm, from-the-heart, non-sexually-related comment that I've ever received from him. Of course, I had a hard time not hearing the "but" in the sentence. I even had to read the paragraph a couple of times to determine there really wasn't a "but" in the message. I took issue with the "can't wait until we meet again" as in, Meet? MEET? How picky am I? Language is so huge to me. And if I were to step back from my position of always looking for the other shoe to drop and actually TRANSLATE Eric-speak, I would recognize the sweetness of the message he was sending. It wasn't about sexual acts or what sort of mischief we need to be getting into. It was, "I really think you're great AND I can't wait until we meet again."I really hope that I can re-wire my brain someday in the future. I want to see the sweetness the first time. I want to expect the sweetness because that's what I deserve. I want to not hear the BUT. I want to expect the AND.The good news is that LD (the counselor) doesn't think that I'm full-on Borderline Personality Disorder afflicted. She says that somewhere along the way, I found it in myself to be able to keep connected with the world and ground myself more than those who are fully afflicted. I have issues, and those are the issues we've been working on and will continue to work on. There's hope because I am able to recognize that I need help. Those who are truly lost, don't know life can be any different.
She was very happy for me that I got my questions answered and that I seem to be coming from a clearer place to not take everything so personally. We talked about my California trip and that I'm worried that my middle brother D., the score-keeper, is an alcoholic. We talked about addictions, and my lack of understanding them when it comes to substances. I've always had such an aversion to being totally out of control that I've just always been able to say no. I fear looking stupid (like if I were to be pulled over and be under the influence) or losing respect of my friends and co-workers. It's that damn Italian pride thing. Hard-wired into my blood. I want to understand though.
I want to know how difficult it is for you or E. or even my brother D. (if my feeling is correct).
It's weird how I would totally judge myself for being out of control or needing a fix or whatever, but I have compassion for the people I love and care for. I don't look at them as being weak or having something wrong with them. I hope you believe me about that. For me, what I strive for, is to be able to understand. Sort of like walking a mile in your shoes.
And, the truth is, I'm really worried about E. I worry that I've been a total enabler when it comes to the herbal use. LD actually spent an extra 30 minutes with me talking about this. She explained that I can't fix him. I had twisted logic of thinking that if I am there when he does it (and stupidly do it with him) then I can control the situation and keep him from hurting himself or someone else. I realize more and more that I don't like him when he's in that condition. He gets distant and shut into his own world.
Yes, I like the feeling -- but then I can get that with one indulgence (like it only takes one drink for me to be satisfied). But I don't NEED the feeling or release, and I'm only messing with the chemistry that is already so out of whack in me. And I'm enabling the behavior. Some of the things he's said, and particularly when he's said them so out of the blue, tell me that he's concerned on some level as well. My first step in approaching this is to not do it anymore at all. I'm going to give what I have to B. or flush it. Babysteps. When I'm ready, I will have to tell him how I feel about his use. Not judging at all. I have fear that he drives. That he's taking risks he wouldn't. And that I like him when he's clear. Does that sound like judging? I don't want him to think that I think he's weak or a loser or that there's something wrong with him as a person. That's why I say babysteps. I just don't know how best to approach it.Man. The drama. Do you think I just have to manufacture it so that I can be comfortable with the devil I know (turmoil and disappointment) rather than face the unknown with the devil I don't?
I worry about that. It doesn't help that I have too much thinking time on my hands. Argh.
No, I haven't talked to P. (I always think cheese-steak when I hear him call himself that!). I need to e-mail him and make sure he's okay. Not to mention I have a muscle shirt (from Venice Beach) and a thank you Starbucks coffee card burning a hole in my pocket. Well, not literally, but you know what I mean. ;-)
Okay, I think I'm done. Phew. Hope you had some time on your hands for this one! :-)
Sent: Wed 11/30/2005 4:09 PMFrom: LSSubject: RE: The next installment :)You are amazing. You write the biggest, juiciest, detailed emails of anyone I have ever known That was awesome. Thank you for sending it!
I do not think you are one to create drama and chaos just because there is a lull in general activity. I think maybe (and please know this is only an opinion) you are one of those people who are so used to it in their day to day life that when it's not there, it gets almost too quiet, or too low-key, and you start to worry because the life you're used to isn't that way. I know I was a chaos junkie for a long time after I quit drinking. My world was always in chaos and drama .. and I thrived on it. I knew how to operate in that life. My sober life is MUCH more controlled, low-key .. took me awhile to get used to it. And the longer I'm sober the less tolerance I have for the chaos and drama that sometimes rears its ugly head. Not that I don't still feel pulled to it, because I can easily be .. but I also recognize it faster, and try to step away.
I'm glad you're going over to E.'s tonight. And, you're right that was a sweet thing he emailed you. God I totally heard the BUT at the end of it too the way you were leading me into it :D and I totally understand that you are always in defense mode about boyfriend stuff, and worried that something bad is gonna happen any second. I do wish you could re-wire your brain (then maybe you could do mine after that) so that you could feel more secure and happy about the state of the union. But time takes time, it's own not-always-sweet time. You'll either grow to trust him or you won't. You guys don't really see each other as frequently as you might like, too, so it takes even MORE time than it might if you saw him more. Just know that I hear your pain with that, and anytime you want to bounce something off me or vent or whatever, I'm here for you. I get it, totally and completely. In the meanwhile, have a good ole time tonight!About the whole G. thing .. I don't know what to say about it anymore. It's taken on it's own life, I think we are both somehow sadly comfortable in this "we don't talk" place. It keeps me from having to feel too close to him, I think -- and it keeps him from getting any closer to me. I don't have guilt dating other people because he stays a few steps away from my heart. It sounds horribly sad when I re-read that, but somehow I guess I am still holding out for a change. I say that with trepidation because I KNOW KNOW KNOW men don't change .. but I just have the worst time believing that he doesn't care about me as more than just a "friends with benefits" kind of friend. Granted there are lots of things that have changed, and it does of course seem much less clear as to what the deal IS, but there's still feeling there. I know it. And if he never says a word to me about it, and even if he told me I was insane and that he never felt that way about me .. I will know it. What he chooses to DO with those feelings I guess is up to him.
I bought him an antique pocket watch from the Czech Republic for Christmas :) I haven't gotten it yet, but I am going to try to go have the name on it polished off and then have it re-engraved somehow for him. The watch is supposedly from the 1880's, with a black face .. it's gorgeous. Of course my opinion of those things is purely esoteric but, I think it's gorgeous LOL I think I got a hugely great deal on it, I just hope it works like the guy said it does because I can't send it back. It cost $103 from this guy on eBay. He had good feedback, but still ... until it's in my hands, I'm kinda stressin' about it.
Okay that's all I can give you right now. Not 3 pages like your email but, it is the last day of the month and I still have work to do before I can get out of here.
Please have a GRAND time tonight & I will look forward to some nookie details tomorrow!XOXO
Sent: Thu 12/1/2005 12:55 PMFrom: LKKSubject: RE: The next installment :)
And a snowy hola to my chica. :-)
How are you this afternoon? Are you loving this snow? I would be normally, but I'm a little panicked. My car is parked in the Renton Highlands at my co-worker S.'s house.
I carpooled with S. and H. this morning since I stayed over night with E.. S.'s got a 4WD Toyota 4-Runner, so we won't have any trouble getting around, but she lives on a high hill, not to mention that long stretch of I405 that I would have to negotiate and the big ol' hill that I live on. I'm a little anxious (understatement).
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to take the certain pills that I have to take. One of them being BCP. If I miss even one then I may end up with an unscheduled visitor -- either in the form of Aunt Flo or a squawling little human being. If you're getting my drift. My other pills are pretty important to take as well, and if I miss them I'll get really nauseous and headachey. :-( Still, those conditions are much preferable to those other potentialities.
Geez, if I'm not manufacturing drama, life is serving it up to me on a platter! :-) LOL
Last night was really good. I was having emotional issues on the drive down there. I think alot of it had to do with my day. I was in fire fighting mode, which turns the dial on my inner problem solver to high. When I'm on high, I think too much. So I was getting all wigged out on having to talk to him about the issue I wrote about yesterday. I was actually fighting stress tears, which was making me even more anxious and emotional. To add to that, I was having gutteral reactions to the CDs I was listening too. Sometimes music just really SPEAKS to me. Good grief! I changed my CD to this one I burned full of some of my latest high energy favorites and cranked the volume up so I could shut out the voices in my head. It worked and I was there in no time.
The funny thing about this relationship... As soon as his door opens, all the stress (well, MOST of it) just melts away. He smiles or his eyes sparkle to see me and I'm calm and giggly and happy to be there. He was really smoochy and affectionate right when I got there. Sometimes we do this little awkward dance when I first get there. We had a little of that, but for the most part it was just good. He looked good in a cornflower blue thermal shirt that really matched his eyes. I remarked that he was wearing his color and pointed out that I was wearing mine as well (I had a hard-to-describe-green sweater on, deeper than chartreuse, not quite neon, just a beautiful green) and he told me he noticed it in my eyes right when I walked in. awwww
All in all, without going into excruciating detail, time spent together just gets better and better. More open, more sharing. He asked about Christmas, if we were going to be exchanging gifts. I told him I would like to, but didn't want to if he wasn't totally into it. Bottom line, we're doing the gift exchange. Now the whole pressure of how much, and what is too much is on. lol
There was alot of conjugating of verbs (don't you just love these euphemisms I'm coming up with?!?!) Still no ultimate culmination for me, but it was close... I didn't sleep a wink last night for some reason. I was just totally keyed up, like I get when I have to fly the next morning or have to get up when I'm not used to it. The few times I did a little drifting I had whacky weird nightmares and even woke myself up as I was about to shout something at my friend B. (who was in the dream). I made a sound, but the words didn't come out, thankfully! He was snoring off and on all night, but he doesn't have a loud or irritating snore -- it's weird that I find it almost comforting. Hmmmm What does that say about me?
Morning was kind of rushed because we got a little preoccupied right after the alarm went off. I ended up being ready before him and was able to leave right with him. Unfortunately, he was running late and was uncommunicative or responsive to my pleasantries (yes, even the fact that I'm not a morning person, or that I hadn't slept, interfered with my sickeningly sunny disposition when I'm a contented kitty). What helped me was that he said to me, "I get really irritated when I'm running late."
Me being me, I immediately felt I was to blame and I said I was sorry. He just said, "You don't need to be, it's not your fault."
And you know what, I was able to let go of the guilt. Well, most of it. lol
That was pretty cool for me, and that he was the one that asked for the good bye kiss -- with a "all right, gimme a kiss." lol He told me to drive safe, which, however small a gesture, still makes me feel cared about. It's those small victories like letting go of the blame that feel extra special good. :-)I'm pretty sure we're getting together on Saturday night. He has his motorcycle class (teaching him how to ride and about safety -- he's getting prepared for when his stepdad sends this Kawasaki street bike out to him from Chicago -- oh joy!) tonight and then Saturday and Sunday from 8 - 5. I asked if Saturday night was going to work and he gave me his patented, "yeah, that should work." Which generally means he won't be cancelling on me. :-) I'm learning the language. It's painful, but I'm trying.Okay, I hope that wasn't too much boring detail. :-( Sometimes I get all carried away with the play by play. Here's the synopsis:
I had a great visit with E.I carpooled with S. and H.to work this morning
I am worried about the snow and not getting home tonight to take my pills (not to mention starving fish and lonely kitties).
Now, I turn the floor over to you. What's new? :-)
Sent: Thu 12/1/2005 9:03 PMFrom: LSSubject: RE: The next installment :)I'm sorry I didn't get back to you earlier today. I had to go to this dinner meeting thing for an organization we're members of, it was over by my house but still I too was in high panic mode with the snow. I left work early to come take care of T-dog and change my clothes and dang I was worried about that stupid snow. I'm glad we didn't get much. As much as I wouldn't mind a snow day (because I DON'T drive in on snow days, no way no how) I just don't feel like taking one this week LOL .. I have next Friday and the following Monday off as vacation days, I didn't want to use another one on snow.
I'm glad you had fun with E. and again thanks for taking the time to write all that you did. I've got a doozie of a headache and I can't write right now all the comments I have about what you wrote so please forgive my lack of attention .. but I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. It's good that you two are making the time to get together. I am still somewhat envious but still very glad for you :)Okay I'm going to go change into jammies and hit the hay.I'll try to touch base in better mode tomorrow. Don't expect too much, I don't have anything exciting to report! Maybe I'll think of something by tomorrow LOLOL
Gnite cherie
LS
