Sent: Fri 10/21/05 7:59 AM From: LS Subject: Happy Friday Girl :)Good morning to you & TGIF as well!
I hope you & Eric had a great time last night. I indeed was sending you love and happiness so I hope y'all caught it, and laughed a lot!Man oh man am I glad it's Friday. This has been a long week. I have not slept well and have had so much on my mind between G., my sponsor, Greg B. (from last Fri) and everything else that found its way into my head. I'm exhausted. I am getting my hair colored and trimmed tomorrow though, and I am looking OH so forward to that!! So is T-dog for that matter LOL although I highly doubt she's looking forward to it. In fact I didn't tell her yet. She's gonna find out soon enough. I'm gonna ask J. (my hair girl) to tone down the red stuff and let's go more dark brown all over this time. There's a lot of funky faded-out reds and weird browns coming thru and they all need to be unified I think.
So. Last night I left work at 4 and went home early. G. called around 4:30, he knew I was having a heckofa day (I'd told him already) and he asked me what I was doing for dinner, which of course nothing, and he asked me over so I went. I expected a quickie dinner and a kick out the door so he could study or whatever but he didn't do that. Dinner was nice (as always), we had a kind of italian chicken dish with broccoli and chocolate brownie with ice cream (God bless his sweet tooth!). We watch Survivor and the Apprentice, he did laundry and I did the dishes, and we had couch sex which surprisingly was fun yesterday LOL so, when I came home around 10 it was a very full evening and we got along well. He even asked me what my plans for tonight were, but he didn't go into WHY he was asking. I know the people at Morton's are re-vamping all the pictures they have up on their walls and they've asked some current regulars to pose for pictures, so of course they asked G. The photo shoot (and I'm sure the follow-up drinks) is tonight as far as I know. I couldn't imagine he'd ask me to go with him to that. I was thinking I'd ask my friend J. who I haven't seen in awhile to go to dinner with me tonight and turn my phone off so that G. can't call me when he's all buzzed and warm- fuzzy asking me to come over and spend the night. I don't feel like bootie call girl today.
I got a message in my personals box from a guy who had emailed me before saying that he'd never heard back from me the last time and wondered if I'd reconsider .. I told him I'd answered his note & never heard back from HIM, but he swears he would have answered it if he'd gotten something .. anyway I told him I wouldn't be up for anything fast-paced right now, that email and phone calls are really all I would be up for at least for awhile, and he said he was all about that as well. He's 46 and lives in Mukilteo. Not exactly the 7-minute commute to G.'s but hey you can't have everything, I guess, huh? ... anyway, I guess I'm going to have to rally if I'm going to play the personals game again. My hearts just not in it yet, I guess. I know I should probably not be doing it but I figure if I can't handle it I can always just turn my "not accepting emails right now" on in my Inbox and stop whenever I want to without pulling the ad. My mean little girl wants G. to know it's out there and feel the sting of it. Then again, even if he knows he may not even feel anything. Maybe that's just a sensitive girl thing.
I wanted to touch base and let you know that although I feel like someone just poured some vinegar in my blood, I am not all that emotional about it right now. "Oh well" attitude for now is what's taking place. We shall see how it plays out. For now, I feel angry for some reason, like I'm being cheated somehow by having invested my feelings and having G. not accept them on my terms. Very very selfish behavior, I know -- exactly what my sponsor told me to quit. But that's going to be the bottom line I think, every time, that he & I really don't seem to be looking for the same things, no matter how we each candy coat it. That damn wedding he's supposed to be going to with me is Nov 4-5 which is coming up and I have no idea if he's still going to go with me or not. I'm scared either way -- it's a 3.5 hour drive one way and I don't know how I'll make it thru the weekend no matter whether we are getting along or not. I almost want to address it now and just tell him he doesn't have to worrry about going, but I know he'll take that in the worst way and I am not so up for all that drama right now, either. I think I really need this weekend to chill and soak in the feelings that are bubbling over. I gotta work at not lashing out and not acting out, I think .. I definitely feel the push to do something stupid just to avoid feeling this way. I am going to find some meetings for the weekend and do some ME stuff, and try to get good sleep. I think that would be what my sponsor would tell me to do, and yeah I should just call & talk to her about it all but I know her patience with me & my boyfriend behavior is not so good most of the time.
What do you think?
Also, by the way, I am fully expecting some details about last night's show and time spent. How was the outfit and how big did he smile when he saw you in that skirt? :)Sent: Fri 10/21/05 3:19 PM From: LKK Subject: Re: Happy Friday Girl :)Hey there!
Sorry to take so long to get back to you. This morning was my adventure in modern health care. :-) And I didn't get to work until 12:30 (I was supposed to be here by around 11:30). But I experienced many delays at the doctor's office this morning.
At 9:50 I had an appointment to do a fasting blood draw. I was a good girl and arrived 10 minutes early.
So, except for an apple at 10:30, I hadn't eaten anything since 6:30 when I had a s-m-a-l-l dinner with E.. I repeat small (for me). One side order chimichanga. Not even the chimi meal. I wasn't that hungry, but I also wasn't interested in the gas and bloat that accompany mexican rice and refried beans! :-)Well, at about 10:20 they finally call me in for the blood draw. Not too big of a deal, just two tubes of blood. I think what they're testing is cholesterol and glucose/triglycerides. This takes until about 10:26 when I excitedly think I only have 4 minutes to wait for my doctor's appointment at 10:30. WRONGO. 10:55 I get called back into the room. Go through all the "what are you in for's" and "the doctor will be right with you's." 20 minutes later -- all of which were spent with one of those stupid paper drapes over my lower half because I'm going to get a pelvic -- the doctor comes in. She's really cool, so I'm not complaining about her service. She's very thorough and compassionate and I think that's what puts her way behind getting to patients.
So this exam and questions and tests and all takes until about 11:40. I leave the office knowing I don't suffer from a yeasty-beasty, and armed with allergy medicine (allevert) and nasal steroid spray to address the post nasal drip that is causing (we think) my cough that refuses to go away. If nothing gets better by next week, then I need to go back in. Of course my biggest hypochondriac worry is lung cancer (since this is pretty much how my mom's started), but I know that I am totally overreacting. But this is where I congratulate Dr. P. on her compassion and bedside manner. She didn't make me feel like an idiot. She told me reasons why she didn't think that lung cancer was even in the forecast and even explained how, way back when, my mom's cancer (originally diagnosed as pneumonia) was mis-diagnosed the first time.
Long story short, it wasn't until noon that I was able to get my first bite of food in my body. Oh, and I have sore and achy arms where I got my hepatitis A & B boosters.
I'm just getting around to taking care of e-mails, and that's why I'm not writing until now. Phew! :-)
My evening with E. was a blast. The comedians were so funny. There was the warm-up guy, Daniel Levy, who also played host -- introducing the two other comics. The 2nd comic was a guy named Mike Birbiglia (I know how to spell it because he did this whole schpeel on telemarketers and their difficulty in pronouncing his name). I forgot that he was going to be there last night. He is a hoot! I actually enjoyed him better than Greg Giraldo, who I went there to see. Giraldo was pretty intense and political and angry about women. I don't remember that from his previous gigs, so I was a little let down there -- but he was still funny as hell. I think I liked Birbiglia better because he was very self-deprecating and that was hilarious.
E. enjoyed himself alot. We found some different things funny, but there was much laughter to go around. He has a great laugh -- I don't hear it very often because he's more of a smiler than a laugher. It's really rich and deep laughter, so I was liking that. He liked my external outfit alot, but my underneath outfit a WHOLE lot. He couldn't stop staring. That was pretty cool. I felt sexy wearing it all day, and I was definitely rewarded for my effort with his looks and compliments and other things... :-)
I had packed my stuff "just in case" I stayed overnight at his place. I let him know that I had that stuff in the car, but it certainly didn't imply that I was expecting to do a sleep over. I just wanted him to know, so he could think about it and decide after the show. He said he would think about it -- which wasn't the DREAM response I wanted, but was certainly the response I expected, if you know what I mean. While we were waiting for the show to start, I was doing my little detective work to see if he was going to take C. out to view homes or if he was going to the Rocky-D's party at T’s house on Saturday with me. So I say, "Have you set up another date to go out with C.?"
And he says, "I e-mailed her some properties and told her I wouldn't be able to take her out until Sunday night if she wanted to act on them. And that when I come up with stuff she has any interest in, she better be able to go out right then or she'll lose them."
And I say, "So does that mean you're coming to the party with me." Knowing that if that is the case, he has actually worked his whole schedule out so that he will be able to go with me. That's pretty big.
He said yes. I think he liked how excited I got. We did a little of the "how long will we stay" dance, and I told him I'd try not to stay past him getting bored because of the team meeting. I explained I had to be there because I'm the treasurer, and he thought about it a moment and said that he was sure that there would be other people there to talk to. I told him, yeah, it would be all the wives and girlfriends... Would he be able to handle that? LOL He was all over that.
And he did ask me to stay over, although he warned me he probably wouldn't be able to stay awake for long. Of course, that changed once he saw the underneath outfit. lol I had warned him that everything would have to be reallly gentle if we did anything because of the pelvic exam the next day. I have to tell you, LS, that was some of the best sumpin-sumpin' I have ever had. No joke. It was pretty amazing. And so nice to sleep with him after -- so relaxed and warm and close. I had a lot of trouble coughing last night, because I was sleeping flat (I sleep more upright at home because of the coughing.) He would wake up a couple of times and ask me if I was sleeping ok. When I told him I was worried my coughing was keeping him awake, he told me not to worry about him. He was just fine. So I slept alot better after that. I did keep waking up, because I still haven't discovered how to sleep soundly with him yet. But it was so nice.
Particularly since he didn't have to work in the morning (he's doing an afternoon/evening job today) and I didn't have to be at the doctor's until 9:50 (and not expected at work until after). So it was much more relaxed. And kind of funny when I was getting up before him -- which was a first! He did get up right after I did, and it was hilarious that I partook of my morning ritual (listening to Mitch in the Morning on KJR Sports) while getting ready, and he brewed up a pot of coffee while he watched ESPN to get his sports info.
So VERY long novel short, I had a fabulous evening. There were a few rough patches at dinner on my side (I had some sort of anxiety attack on the way to meeting him at the restaurant) so it took me awhile to connect. He always gets so quiet when I talk about my stuff. I feel like he's bored or just wants me to get through with the story. Every time I make some kind of comment at the end of one of my long-winded stories I end with a "blah blah blah" like I've been talking to much. And he always says something like I'm not talking too much. I don't know if he's just being polite or a good listener. He makes eye contact and such, but doesn't really say anything. But then, I think I say too much -- I always feel like I need to make some sort of acknowledging comment or ask a question or make an empathetic statement. I think that's just the difference in our communication styles.
He's either coming over to my place at 4:30 tomorrow to watch the first World Series game before the party, or he'll come up right before we leave for the party. It just depends on whether he works in the morning or not and needs a nap before the party -- especially since he'll be working into the night tonight. Because we keep each other in the loop with plans for the day (he's getting good at that as he gets to know me better), it makes it so much easier to know what to expect. I know I'm getting him for the party and if he comes over for the game it will be a bonus. Either way, the earliest he'll be there is 4:30 and I am able to plan out my day that way. Does that make sense?
This is already a huge e-mail and we haven't even gotten to you yet! lol
I think it's great that you've got your hair appointment to look forward to. That is always exciting. :-) You'll have to take a picture and send it to me of the changes. Hopefully we'll see each other soon, so I won't just have to see your new do via photo.
What I think is an even BETTER idea is to go out to dinner tonight and leave your phone off. As your breakup buddy (even if it's not a breakup), I recommend you leave that phone off. Live this weekend for you. You've got lots of you-stuff planned and that is perfect. Meetings are good. Lunches with friends are good. Soaking in a tub with a good book is good. Taking a walk outside where it feels like summer but smells like fall is a great idea. :-)
You have a great photo on your Yahoo Personals profile, by the way. Very flattering! Even if you just flirt and chat a little, it's good for your ego and it's fun. And as long as it feels fun for you, then do it. If you start feeling guilt, or sad or whatever, stop right away. Life is too short. And even though you can expect to have unpleasant situations in life, if you have control over what you do to that contributes to you feeling bad, then get out. Stop. Cease. Desist.
Now, as you know, it's not that easy for me either. It took me awhile to take that last cease and desist step -- and look what kind of turmoil I brought on myself. I think that each time I do that, the turmoil gets a little less.
The key issue here, whether it's with G. or anyone else, is what do you, LS, want in a relationship? Write it down. LS's expectation list. Be specific -- generalities leave too many loopholes and allow more room for disappointment and hurt feelings. For instance:
1. I expect to spend 3 nights a week with my significant other.
2. I expect to stay in daily contact with my significant other, whether by phone or e-mail.
3. My significant other will not call me while intoxicated.
4. My significant other will not visit bars or parties X #of days a week.
5. My significant other will not just like dogs, but like MY dog.
And on and on. The key here is specificity. This is about you and what you want.
Now, about the wedding. Do you have evidence of prior occasions where G. has forgotten specific plans? Plans that actually involved a calendar date and location? Not just non-specific get together plans? If so, then you can entertain the thought that he might have forgotten this occasion. Otherwise, he shows quite a bit of evidence in remembering specific, date-centric plans -- and not just because they are with "the guys." :-) I hope I don't sound harsh. I don't mean to.
If you don't want to continue with G., cancel the wedding plans. This is about you. And what you want deep down inside. Not the hurt little girl who wants to slash out and make him hurt too. Show me how much you care, dammit!
LS, he does. He really really does. I'm not saying this to blow smoke or give you false hope. His guy friends are not more important than you are. They are just friends and it's actually very good that you both have outside friends and spend time apart from each other. It makes the time that you spend together so much better because you both choose to be there, not because you need to be there. He calls you every day. He makes dinner for you. He asks about your friends. He asks about your plans. He talks to you about tough, dramatic stuff when he could just choose to say, "this is too much work for me. I quit."
He doesn't do that. He makes an effort to change and be sweet and loving and be what you want him to be.
The question isn't whether he likes you enough or not. He likes you. He wants to be with you. Those are the facts as I see them. Remember this is my perspective garnered from all that you've told me. I haven't been there with you.
The Question is this... Where does G. fall on LS's list of expectations? He's a nice guy. Granted. But is he "your" guy? Decide what on that list of expectations are the deal breakers. Share the list with him if you are into him enough, so that he has the opportunity to decide to modify his behavior to meet the expectations. If you're not that into him, or he chooses not to work within the deal breakers, then it will be decision time.
Geez, this is so much stuff to write in an e-mail. And I hope that it's coming across with honesty and tempered with the good feelings I have for you. I just want you to be happy and not beat yourself up about this. I think the first bit of work you have to do is to compile that list. Maybe seeing it in writing will sharpen up the edges here. I believe that alot of the drama and discomfort you feel comes from having edges that just blur into unknown.
You are the center of this universe. You are the goddess here. As God to give you guidance if that will help you. Break out the pink book again for a sec. I think there's something in there about the expectation list. The key is specificity.
I love you, LS!
Sent: Fri 10/21/05 4:16 PM From: LS Subject: Re: Happy Friday Girl :)Wowwwwwie you've gotta have some seriously tired fingers after this one!
And you've sent some long ones, but I think this one is a record :)
I loved it.
I'm SO SO glad you two are gelling!!Damn that just makes my toes curl, I'm so happy about it. It does sound very sweet and like he's come around towards you as you've gone around towards him. That is so great, LKK. I hope you have another great day tomorrow and congrats on the positivity. You are totally blowing my mind with it, mostly the consistency ... and I think it's amazing and awesome. I'm almost catching it ;-)I read what you said about G. and I'm going to chew it over. I don't know how long it takes a person to figure out whether you're worth at least as much as the guy friends who change plans all the time .. the ones that schedule their times with him because of the constraints of their own girlfriends .. and why I'm not invited, still. I know he cares about me, I really do. But you know I care for a lot of people I'm not DATING, and perhaps like you said he's just not MY guy. I just don't know. Time will tell and all that crap. Blah, blah, blah (using your Monday morning material).
I am going to get out of here in a bit, I took a very short lunch today and decided I don't have to stay here and play on the computer when I can go home and play at my house. I can promise you, I will not answer the phone if he calls me after 8 or so. And he can just worry his little tush off about it ~ I think it's about time he show some respect. I'm not getting paid for it so for cryin out loud he could at least be respectful.
That sounds bitter, doesn't it. I'm not really that bitter, but it's really that vinegar thing and the anger I feel. Okay so I'm bitter LOL ... but so what. Not like I'm going to go postal or anything, or cry or break anything -- not feeling that way at all.
I do hope you guys have fun tomorrow, and I hope you have a great weekend. I'm thinking of you and thank you for all your words of support and love. I love you, too :)
Talk Monday!
Wow that really was tough to read. I am SO sorry you've been beating yourself up like this. I know how much it hurts and how quickly wildfire spreads .. and I could tell you a million times how "from the heart" sorry I am and it wouldn't make much difference - but know that I am sending you a very gigantic hug.